Waiting

Thank you to the person who left a comment a few days ago re exercise, seeds etc. I couldn't publish it because you put my name in it - not everyone here knows who I am and I don't want future employers googling me and finding this, so my name is nowhere to be found (unless I’ve overlooked something!).

I haven't written for a while, my mood hasn't allowed me to do much except stare at walls; I've played the occasional computer game and watched a couple of shows, but mostly I sleep or doze. Last night sucked, I was struggling with harmful thoughts, I had the medication which helps with that as well as my sleeping tablets but the thoughts were too strong and kept me up until 3am. The situation was made worse by the nurse telling me that if I didn't feel better I couldn't go to have my treatment in the morning - which only resulted in me suffering in silence and then lying to the morning nurses, telling them that I felt fine, when really I was being plagued by self harm thoughts and low mood. I told my doctor tonight that I didn't appreciate them threatening not to let me go to get a treatment just because I express symptoms of the illness requiring the treatment. He said that he trusts me to make my own risk assessments and that if I think I'm safe to go, then I should be able to go and if it happens again I have a note from him in my file to point to. I needed nursing support last night but I couldn't get it, having to instead pretend that everything was fine. Hopefully it won't happen again.

You may be curious about how the ECT/MST trial is going... Shit! They say it's early days, I can have up to 15 treatments and I only had my 6th today. There has been no change, even some regression. I came very close to a suicide attempt on Monday and am plagued by almost constant suicidal ideation and self harm thoughts - the visions, not just thoughts. The treatment its self is fine, the worst part is having no water from midnight to 11am three days a week. The two days after the first treatment I was very sore head to toe, swallowing was particularly painful, that went away after two days and hasn’t come back, everyone says the first one is bad like that. I was very surprised to wake up with no headache, no memory loss and just a sore throat. The others have been even less eventful except the second one where I woke up before the muscle relaxant had wore off and I couldn’t breathe very well – they had it under control though, today I woke up with some gadget in my mouth to help me breathe, I was a bit slower coming out of the anaesthetic today. I’m no longer the only one from this hospital in the trial, so there are now two of us in the taxi to the hospital where the trial is, and I have someone to talk to while I wait, although she went before me today so I had to kill 20 minutes sitting on a couch in the coldest corner of the hospital!

I haven’t proof read this because I’ve already had my sleeping tablets and they’ve well and truly kicked in. Good night. Please come and visit me if you can, I’m here for possibly another three weeks and visitors help get me out of my head even if it is for a short time.

My First ECT (or MST)

I was supposed to have my first treatment on Wednesday but it was delayed because at the last minute the anesthetist decided he wanted to have my asthma assessed, it was fine. So this morning at 8am I jumped into a taxi with a nurse and headed to the hospital conducting the trial, by 9am I was signing the consent form giving them the right to electrocute me causing a seizure. Within minutes of signing I was hooked up to EEG and ECG machines and put to sleep, I didn't even feel the anesthetic kick in (I usually do). I woke up half an hour later with a very sore throat, but no headache and none of the other muscle pains I was expecting. After some water and two cups of tea my throat was better and I was ready to go. When I arrived back I was told to go to bed but ended up playing Spore because I wasn't the least bit tired. I feel like nothing has happened, which is great, but I also worry that I should be feeling something. I don't know if I had MST or ECT, my guess is MST because my memory is completely intact, but when I said that to the recovery nurse she said that's not uncommon for ECT either, but she's got to help keep me confused! I'll find out at the end of treatment which one I had, only eight more to go

Here's a little description of MST for those of you interested.

Magnetic Seizure Therapy (MST), like ECT, involves the induction of a seizure for therapeutic purposes. The major difference, however, is that in MST the seizure is induced using magnetic stimulation rather than the electrical current that is used in ECT.  Magnetic fields are able to pass freely into the brain, making it possible to produce a very focused seizure in a specific area.  The widespread nature of the seizures produced by ECT is thought to be responsible for the memory loss that people report following ECT.  Therefore, by avoiding the use of direct electrical current and inducing a focal seizure, it is thought that MST will be able to improve depressive symptoms without the memory loss seen in ECT. 

MST is a medical procedure performed by doctors.  It involves having a general anaesthetic and a muscle relaxant.  The brain is then stimulated with a controlled series of magnetic pulses using a coil that is placed at a precise location on the head.  The magnetic pulses cause a seizure in the brain which will last up to two minutes.  Because of the muscle relaxants and the anaesthetic, patients do not convulse or ‘fit’ and do not feel any pain. Patients wake up five to ten minutes following the procedure. 

MST

At the eleventh hour my doctor walked into my room and announced that there is a trial he wants me to be part of instead of doing ECT. The trial is for MST, which I think stands for Magnetic Seizure Therapy. It is the same as ECT in that it causes the brain to seize, it's just achieved differently, using a magnetic coil instead of electricity. It's a double blind trial, I won't know if I'm being given normal ECT or MST, but if I'm on MST and it's not working they'll swap me and if I'm on ECT and I have significant memory issues they'll swap me to MST, which has the advantage of no memory loss. I have to meet with the researchers tomorrow and then it will probably start on Wednesday. I'm a little disappointed because I was ready for tomorrow, but it's only an extra two days and I may not have to deal with the memory loss.

My mood is pretty low at the moment, I'd appreciate any calls or text messages to brighten my day.

ECT

I'm starting ECT tomorrow instead of Wednesday. The family meeting went well, my dad came this time, the last meeting he came to was a disaster, but that was almost two years ago and he knew virtually nothing about me being ill.

I'm not feeling great today so this is just a short post. Please come and visit, I'm getting quite lonely and I'm going to be going through a very tough time for the next two weeks.

The Beginning

I just had my annual dose of radiation - a chest x ray in preparation for ECT. I met with my Dr today and he decided to go ahead with preparations for ECT, unless my mum strongly disagrees in our family meeting on Sunday I'll be starting on Wednesday (if she disagrees, it's still up to me). I still have to have a blood test and ECG before it can begin. For those of you who don't know what ECT is is stands for Electroconvulsive Therapy. The patient is put under general anesthetic and given a muscle relaxant, several electrodes are placed on the scalp and a current is passed through them, causing a seizure lasting approximately 2 minutes. It isn't known exactly why it works, just that it does in up to 80% of cases. I will be having six treatments over two weeks on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. The first one is the worst because they have to shock you a few times to find out what level brings on the seizure. If L's experience is anything to go by I can expect a killer headache and jaw pain on the first day and memory loss throughout the whole treatment period, I might also forget a little while before treatment (eg now) and have trouble making new memories during the treatment period, none of this should be long lasting. Some people experience more severe memory loss, but they are in the minority.

The decision to do ECT was reached because this week I've been feeling very suicidal and have given up any hope of getting better, preferring instead to die, I've actually been praying for God to take me in my sleep, somehow I don't think he'll do that. I've lost my unaccompanied leave because I confessed I was finding it hard to avoid buying razor blades. I've resisted so far because I'm here to get well, not to act out and get my self sectioned again, but still my Dr thought it best to be safe and keep me in.

Desire

I'm still here, I won't be getting discharged tomorrow as I've taken a turn for the worse. My mood is so low I don't even have it in me to watch shows on my laptop. I watched one episode of Futurama today and spent the rest of the time staring at the walls or with my eyes shut. My dr wants to wait until Sunday before deciding our next step which will either be Reboxetine - a NaRI drug which according to the internet doesn't work - or ECT. My dr is concerned about ECT because of the risk of memory loss, but he said if I just get to the stage where I can't stand being suicidally depressed anymore and I want a quick fix he'll let me do it.

I could be here a few more weeks, I have the choice to leave whenever I like, but I don't feel safe enough to be at home, it's hard enough staying safe in here. So... visitors would be lovely. I had plenty of visitors to start with, but now it's really just my parents coming - a friend came yesterday, which was lovely but I want more!!!

Longer

I'm now stuck here until at least Tuesday because my vision hasn't cleared up and we need to sort out the medication dose, or even change it if the dose reduction doesn't work. As of this morning I'm down to 30mg of Cymbalta from 60mg, if that doesn't fix the problem entirely it should at least help, 30mg isn't really a treatment dose so it may fix my vision but do nothing for my depression, that will mean being in here longer to start a new drug. There's been no change in my mood, it's just really flat. I really want to go home, on top of the obvious reasons one wouldn't want to be stuck in hospital I now have a room mate and she has the TV on from 7:30 in the morning until about 9pm when she goes to bed, I've had my headphones in constantly even if I'm not listening to anything just to block out the television sound. I've been watching V (with headphones) for the last few days, I'm almost finished and it's exciting, it was cancelled in its first series so I'm not sure if it will come to a conclusion or just end abruptly, I really hope it concludes.

Blurred

The last few days have been okay, my mood has remained the same, flat, but the really bad lows have stopped. Cymbalta has caused the unpleasant side effect of blurred vision; unlike last time this happened it's my distance vision most affected, although today I'm having trouble reading, and typing this is taxing. I'm most likely going home on Friday unless my doctor decides I can't stay on this drug due to my eyes, the nurses say it will probably clear up as my body adjusts to it. I look forward to going home, I'm lonely here and I want my freedom, I just hope I can be trusted with it, I'm still experiencing troubling thoughts but I have to learn to manage them outside of hospital, I can't live here some people practically do but I don't want to be one of them.

Cymbalta

A new drug it is!
Either tonight or in the morning I'll be starting Cymbalta, I should know within a week if it's going to work or not but my doctor wants to give it about six weeks before deciding whether to stay on it or do ECT, TMS probably won't work, he spoke to the professor and he wasn't very confident. I feel pretty low at the moment, a new drug isn't really what I wanted, I was hoping for ECT but he wanted to try the drug first; he also said that the numbness I experience is likely only going to be fixed by a lot of psychotherapy, there's never a easy solution when I'm involved. If it's going to take a long time for the numbness to be fixed I'll probably lose a couple of friends quite soon, they're sick of it, apparently it makes being my friend draining. Of course I want to get better, that's why I'm here and not at home in bed wallowing, it's just really hard, impossible on my own.

Nothing

I'm very frustrated tonight. I was supposed to see the TMS professor today and it didn't happen because my doctor didn't bother arranging it like he's been saying he would since I got here. The professor only comes in on Tuesdays, so I can't start TMS for another week now, unless since last night my doctor has decided that's not the right option for me anyway. I think I want ECT, it has an 80% success rate and it works fast. I got a big telling off by a friend today, saying that I need to try harder to get better and that I've totally lost my personality etc, all of it true, but hard to rectify. I'm a shell of a person and I don't see how a shell can fill its self.

Handover

A second post for the day.
It's now night and I feel like shit. Between 9:30 and 10:30 the nurses here are doing handover, this basically means that unless you've been shot you can't get any attention, it also happens to be my worst time of night. Tonight I feel like my only way out of this mess is to pull myself out and I can't. I see a future in which I'm not allowed to kill myself and so I will feel like this until I die naturally at 80-something. I don't want that, I can't stand the thought. I want to escape this hospital tonight and die with boxes of store bought drugs and a bottle of scotch. Every door is alarmed, every window sealed, I'm going nowhere.

Test Subject Reclusive Girl

I finally got to taste a Phillippa's hot cross bun today after always finding them sold out in previous years, it was worth the wait.

I saw my Doctor again last night and there are several options. He wants me to have some genetic testing to see if I metabolise drugs too fast and that's why they don't work; he's taken me off Valdoxan because it isn't working; introduced Largactil ( I think that's the one) just for when I need it. I'm seeing the TMS professor again on Tuesday, and between him and my psychiatrist they'll decide if I'm having TMS, ECT or different drugs. I know ECT sounds terrible but it can work wonders and they do it under general anaesthetic these days.

I'm at my parents' today, just chilling. I hired eight DVDs to get me through the next week, I assume I'll be in that long, but I might be lucky and have one ECT treatment and then be fine to go, though usually it takes a few treatments. If I get a drug change or TMS instead it'll be a longer admission. I'm not happy about that, L wants me significantly better before I go home, which is understandable, but I feel that the longer I'm away the harder it will be to settle back into a relatively new household and L and S will have bonded more without me being included; I already have trouble with that since I'm a big introvert and they're both really outgoing, they get along fabulously and I'm included but it's different for me. I wish I could just get better and not just over the chemical side of things, but over the damage it's caused my self esteem over the years, I'm not the person I once was, that screwed up job interview proved it. I used to give fantastic interviews and get the jobs.

I feel fine today, like I could just go home and all would be well, but since it's only been a few days since my mini od and nights are quite bad I'm sure that would be a bad idea, it's time to get me sorted out properly.

Sleep

Today I slept. I missed lunch because in favour of sleep and I could have slept through tea too but thought better of it. Mum came to visit tonight and we went out of coffee and now I'm going back  to bed. I feel about the same as yesterday, some really bad times and some where I'm OK, but mostly it's just a flat down feeling. I'm really sick of this and I'm sick of people saying I need to pull myself out of it - I can't! God can, but it seems he doesn't want to, at least not yet. The only other major therapy I'm yet to try is ECT, that's scary, but might be worth it. Right now I just want to die - don't call the police, I'm already in hospital!

Things are better(er) with my friends who I upset, there's still some making up to be done though, it's a bit hard when I can't go and see them, but hopefully I'll make it to one of the Easter services at church.

Back in Hospital

Here I am back in hospital after another night in emergency, this time it wasn't so big a deal, they let me go at 5am, a friend, K, stayed with me for a lot of the night, she was good company in a situation I usually deal with myself. I have no idea how long this admission will be, my Dr says more TMS might be an option, in which case it may be a long one, I hope not. I'm enjoying living with L and S and don't want to be away from them for too long. I need to make things up with L, she's upset and angry that I didn't seek her help last night when it was on offer - I should have but I was set on what I wanted to do and I knew she'd be successful in stopping me. I also need to make things up with R, but that's a more complex situation where I'm not totally in the wrong, it'd be easier if I was.

Things I hate about hospital:
Single beds
Room mates (although I don't have one right now)
Monotony
No car
Friends far away

I'm going to miss the Easter services at church, I was planning on going to at least two of them, I only made it to one last year.

20mg

More drugs, possible admission with another month of TMS, plus maintenance; this was the result of my psychiatrist appointment yesterday. I'm now on 20mg of Abilify, this is quite a high dose, and will cost my parents a small fortune, none of my drugs are on the PBS, or they are but only for patients experiencing psychosis, my old Dr lied and said I had a psychotic illness, my current Dr isn't willing to take that risk, I guess they get a little slap on the wrist if caught. I don't lie to my Dr, I told him about the police and the deleted blog post that led to them being called. I was feeling even worse yesterday so he got to see first hand how I was, I managed not to cry though it was hard when he started talking about M - yes I'm still not over him, I hate that I'm not, I don't want him back but I just remember the good times and it hurts. He wants me to talk it through with my psychologist, he's not much of a talker, more of a drug pusher.

Today has been a big waste of time, I stayed in bed until 1 then did nothing for a while, watched the new Game of Thrones episode then stared at the ceiling for a while. The monotony was broken by a coffee date with L. It's great living with L and S, the three of us went to see The Hunger Games last night, it was our first household outing, I can't say I loved the film, but it was interesting after reading the book.

A Post on Faith

Tonight I stayed back after church for some prayer regarding my salvation or lack of, it fit in well with the passage preached on tonight and the answer I was given is to obey, believe that Jesus is the messiah and obey God's commands. God wouldn't want me to jump off the Bolte bridge, so I shouldn't, God wants me to continue going to church so I should. I may not feel anything, but I've accepted Christ, from there I'm doing what I can. I know there are many people within the (wider and my) church who are suffering and holding onto their faith just fine, in some cases it has made them even stronger; for me it hasn't worked that way. I'm hanging in there, going to church and feeling inadequate as I watch the people around me raise their hands in worship while I struggle to make myself sing and mean the words coming from my mouth. I bow my head in prayer and just feel like I'm sending thoughts off to the floor. I read my bible sometimes at home, not as much as I should, but again it feels like nothing, just like I'm reading any other book that I'm not enjoying, but I still try and I think that deserves some credit. I still pray nearly every night as well as little ones throughout the day but I still feel like I'm praying to nothing. My athiest readers will be thinking "well that's because you are", but I don't think I am. I believe there is a God who cares about me and listens to me, but I just can't connect with him. I want to be dead, I don't like the thought of leaving hurt people behind, but I love the thought of being with Christ and away from my troubles here. L wants me to go back to hospital because these thoughts are becoming worse, maybe she's right. I don't want to hurt people, that's totally against my nature, I just want to be free.

Fear

I wrote a post last night which inadvertently scared at least one person. I had the police called on me again because I mentioned I'd been feeling suicidal this week among some other things which I'm not silly enough to write twice. I don't think I'm brave enough to go through with suicide, it's very final and my plan is not one you can come back from. I'm scared of hell because I'm not 100% sure of my salvation, I know it's not about feelings, but I never feel anything and the whole Christianity thing just feels like a big effort; I think it's only fear keeping me from walking away, I do value my church, the people are great and have been very loving toward me even though I'm still quite new, I think they'd be sad to see me leave and I'd be much more lonely without them.  I feel like I'm in a rut that I can't get out of. I don't think I can get a job because I'm too foggy, and if I did get one keeping it would be hard when I can't get up in the mornings. I don't think I have it in me to get through uni, especially with the high marks needed to move into research. So this leaves me poor and bored for the rest of my life, the idea sinks my heart.

I'll try not to write any more alarming posts, it wasn't my intention to scare anyone last night, but if it does happen again calling me is better than calling the police. Friends can help, police I just lie to in order to get rid of them as fast as possible

Work

I had my first job interview in 3.5 years last week and I screwed it up royally, I was super nervous and spoke like a mouse, not good for a call centre job! Despite this I was offered a second interview but I wonder if she changed her mind, she was supposed to email me some forms and I haven't received them, also I haven't heard back about the date and time of the next interview. A friend today said that with my voice I'm probably not suitable for working the phones because I'm not bubbly, it's true, I speak with little expression these days it's too much of an effort to give any more to the conversation than the mere words, I didn't used to be like that and I wonder if I'll ever get the old me back. I'm really down at the moment, I got rejected for another job today (also call centre), I'm 27 and I can't even get a simple call centre job - a job I've done well in the past for three seperate employers. Maybe I'm just not ready to be working, I mean it's impressive that I'm still alive maybe I'm pushing my self too hard, but I feel lazy doing nothing (arghhhhh). In October unless I get really sick again I'm going to lose my disability pension, I need a job before then and I also need to be in better health so I can manage the load of uni and work, the idea terrifies me, suggestions anyone?

Wobbly Car

I ended up not going back to hospital, I was offered a bed on Friday, but by then I was feeling much better. I did one of the things I'm not supposed to last week, I reduced by half the amount of Epilim I'm on. Epilim is the drug likely causing the weight gain and I was getting seriously depressed every time I walked passed a mirror (I still do but I feel pro-active about it now) so I decided to take action without waiting another week and a half to see my dr, we'd talked about coming off it anyway, I just beat him to it. I haven't seen any results yet, but I'm not totally off it, and it's only been six days. One of the things I get despondent about is my lack of a man and being fat isn't going to help that situation change and it's all a big catch 22; I got really sick and started needing extra medication after my break up and I'm stuck feeling lonely and highly medicated with no one looking twice at me because I resemble a small car. I don't exercise as much as I should, but I move, I walk Rico daily and my diet could be better, but it's consistent, there is no difference between now and when I was 30kg lighter, there have been times when I've been ravenous and have sated those desires, that's probably where the weight came from, I guess it takes more than just going back to normal to shift it.

 I've applied for a couple of jobs and looked into short courses - there aren't any suitable for me at the moment, I missed the start dates for a few and the rest are either really expensive or only a couple of hours a week (and expensive). Tonight has been a chilled night in listening to this years' hottest 100 cd which I bought today, I was disappointed to find only 42 of the 100 songs on it, it's the first one I've bought and I didn't even think to check how many songs were on it, anyway, it's a nice compilation. 

Yo Yo

I'm currently weighing up whether or not to go back to hospital; I spent the early hours of Tuesday morning in ED because I knew I was going to either cut or OD at home, my mood had been getting worse by the day and then hit rock bottom. The result of my ED trip was just talking to the psych triage nurse and getting an appointment for later in the day with the psychiatrist covering for my own - he's nearly always on leave - She would have admitted me there and then but there were no beds so I was told I'd have to wait two to three days. I don't know what to do, what good will another admission be? Maybe I need to settle in better in my new household; I can't have more TMS because they think it wouldn't work.

L and I were talking tonight and decided I really need to be doing more - something I already knew but didn't know how to go about. I'm going to find a short course to fill this semester with, something where grades don't matter but will force me into a routine, that or a job; I'm thinking acting classes, but it's hard to find something more than a couple of hours a week, I want a few days

Flowers From God

God gave me some flowers yesterday, they're lovely. You may think he can't do that but he can through other people. Last week the woman who was praying with me had a vision of God giving me some flowers, so she bought be a bunch and gave them to me - well not in person, I left church early last night so a friend dropped them around on her way home. They came just at the right time; I left church because I was feeling really down and out of place and was home alone thinking of taking all my pills when there's a knock at the door and sweet smelling flowers shoved (not literally) in my face. Today I got through with my mum taking me out for lunch and walking and bathing Rico; tonight has been spent watching House, Dance Moms (trash, but addictive) and The Simpsons. I'm waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in so I can be rid of another day but it's been over an hour. Tomorrow I'll be able to speak to the person replacing my Dr for the week and hopefully something can be done to stop this downward spiral before it gets out of hand

Theatre Envy

Tonight L, her friend another L and I went to Theatreworks to see two plays by last year's NIDA directors graduates, they were Howl directed by Daniel Lammin, and Thirst, directed by Eugene O'Neill, both were excellent; Thirst was beautiful, and Howl very moving and it seems provocative as five audience members left! It put me in a writing mood, but now by time I've got home, settled in and sat down the urge is gone and I just feel depressed. My mood has been slowly deteriorating throughout the week, I haven't even been out of hospital a full week, but I already feel I need more TMS, looks like I'll be going on the maintenance program! They told me to call up if I felt things were going wrong, I just hope they'll be able to help me despite my doctor being on leave, I don't want to wait until he gets back for anything to be done. I'm yet to act on them but my self-harm urges are quite strong and I don't think I can keep them at bay for much longer, especially when part of me is already resigned to losing the battle, I gave into them twice in hospital only in minor ways, I want to do it properly now.

I want to go to bed and escape the world but I've run out of sleeping tablets and I've slept about 15 of the last 24 hours, I don't like my chances tonight, shit!

Writing

I've deferred this semester of uni to write (and read), and so I must get to it. I'm starting to doubt I have it in me to be a writer though, I lack the vocabulary - the reason I need to read more - and I can't punctuate, story I can deal with, but I'd like to be better. I'm sure we'd all like to be better at what we do, but I don't do much so I feel it's important to be able to confidently say "My name's K and I can write." To help me with this L has set me a challenge to write a page a day despite whatever is going on and I'm determined to read a lot more even when my brain is mushy and the words mean nothing to me, at the very least I can find a word I've never or rarely come across and add it to my vocabulary. I'm currently reading The Lost Dog by Michelle de Kretser for the second time, it is very good for this purpose, as well as being a good read it is quite intellectual and features Melbourne's arts scene.

I'm tired now, good night.

Religion Resolution

I had a long chat with a well respected woman at church last night, the best bit was a bible verse she pulled out of thin air for me; Jeremiah 6:16 This is what the LORD says: "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." But you said "We will not walk in it." The ancient path being that walked by God with his footprints, basically follow God and my soul will find rest. I admitted that I felt I was at a stage where I could easily walk away but she encouraged me to keep going.

L moved in today, the house was a flurry of activity for most of the day; S is moving in tomorrow, so the fun will continue. It's actually like having three people move in at once because I've got two and a half months worth of stuff to bring back from hospital (and my little break in between the two admissions). I ate junk food today, I've been trying and succeeding to eat healthier lately since I've gained so much weight, maybe tomorrow I can get back on track, though we are planning household celebratory drinks...

AFES

This showed up on Facebook today, it was shared by one of my friends, who I know also suffers; but it made me a little bit angry. It's the first Christian literature I've come across concerning depression and anxiety, and it is so shallow, with its ultimate point being "there there, God will come back in the end and everyone will be better". Well that's kind of one of the reasons I want to kill myself, everything will be better then! I think I'm also angry because God has done nothing to make me better, or even give me a reprieve, he's given me a few good friends which I'm grateful for, but TMS made me better, and before that Epilim, both have high success rates, so it's no miracle that they worked. Maybe God planned for me to get better this way and to have a rough journey, but I'm not happy with it. TMS has made me really teary, I cry at the slightest thing now, including writing this, I used to have tear ducts of stone...
I've had a bad week and am still in hospital, I was supposed to leave yesterday, but now it's hopefully Saturday. I still think TMS worked because I'm managing bad situations in a much more mature way than I would have without it; and I've had a number of challenges to test me whilst I've been here. I have two new house mates now, L is one of  them, I can't wait to be living with her and our house will look amazing because she has art and can make it and has an amazing photographer as a best friend.

Better (again)

So, for the second time I am unexpectedly, significantly, better. I could stop there but I’ll keep going because I’m in a writing mood. It’s been almost a week since I noticed a slight improvement in my mood, followed by a decrease in my suicidality (I don’t know how to spell that one), followed by a massive increase in my mood which has just grown more by the day. I’ve had some stressful news – one of my housemates is leaving in only a couple of weeks and even that hasn’t made me grumpy and thinking the world is out to get me, it’s just a difficulty I have to cope with. TMS is great (if it’s right for you) at getting you out of depressive periods, but not so great at keeping you out of them unless you go on the maintenance programme; I don’t know what my doctors have planned for me, if they think
I can keep myself well or if I need to come in two days a month.

One Helicopter Please

Every time I hear a little bang, or some noise which is out of place I think there’s an earthquake about to start, it’s becoming a legitimate fear. I’ve never been in an earthquake, I don’t really count those two little tremors we had a few years ago because they did zero damage, they really scared the cat though! There’s a door which keeps banging near my room, it’s distressing me...

I’m only really writing this update because I was asked to, I’m very depressed at the moment, so lacking in energy to do anything. I can’t write, can’t focus on conversations, I get no joy out of watching anything, so I sleep to escape it all. It’s currently 7:20, at 8:00 I can have my medication and sleeping pills and all this will go away. I wonder if TMS might start to help soon, today was the first time I’ve experienced a headache related to it, until now it’s just been irritating during the treatment and then nothing afterwards – actually a few nights ago there was a muscle spasm in my neck, but that could be anything.

Quibble is a Nice Word

I’m writing again, properly, it feels good. Today’s grammar quibble is wonder / wander, I’m waiting for my very slow internet connection to tell me which I need, ok it’s wonder! It wasn’t a simple sentence though! I’m adapting one of my longer blog posts to be a short story, fictioning it up a bit and making it a lot more anonymous since it will be read my prof.

I don’t have a lot to tell you from in here, I’m bored as hell so please come visit, I can leave any time of day, and have coffee with you just come, come , come; is that desperate enough? 

An Article on TMS and ECT

An article my mum found, I know the source is awful, but I'm not in the habit of hiding my sources out of shame

http://au.news.yahoo.com/today-tonight/latest/article/-/34838/dealing-with-depression/

With one in five Australians suffering from depression at some time in their lives, solving the problem has become an urgent and often overpowering demand.

Beryl Taylor and Linda Ballard have both had their lives upset by the crevice of depression.

"The world became a very lonely and isolated place," said Linda.

Sure modern anti-depressants have made a huge difference, but sometimes they are not enough to lift the black cloud and let in the light.

Trans-cranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) is the latest technique to ease the distress. It looks out of this world but it has dramatic effects.

It works by settling the neurotransmitters in the brain, which increase hormonal levels and ease depression.

Colleen Lo, psychiatrist at Sydney's Prince of Wales Hospital says that stimulation increases blood supply to underused parts of the brain.

"We place a powerful magnet onto the scalp and it stimulates the surface of the brain," Colleen said. "The increased blood supply reflects increased nerve activity. We think this might work in the circuits that modulate mood."

Linda Ballard is happy with the treatment.

"It just means I get my emotions back, I begin to feel things, good things and bad things, the colour comes back," Linda said.

"It's like you've been watching a black and white movie and you just focus it and the colour comes back and the picture becomes clear."

For someone who described life during the bouts of depression as dull and grey, feeling like this after using TMS is a giant leap for Linda Thompson.

"It's a very convenient treatment to have, your in the hospital for maybe 30 minutes and then you can walk out again, there's no anaesthetic," Linda said.

And that's just what people with moderate to severe depression like about TMS - no pain, lots of gain.

At 71-years-old, Beryl Thompson felt her antidepressants weren't helping the depression that had plagued her for 10 years, so she jumped at the chance of getting involved in the a trial for TMS.

Soon after the treatment Beryl was diagnosed with colon cancer. She believes without the TMS this news would have sent her into the depths of depression.

TMS is still in its infancy, but the early results are very positive. But one of the older forms of treatment, electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) is now also producing outstanding results.

It's enough to send shivers down our spine but the truth is modern ECT is both a safe and sophisticated affair when it's used in severe depression or in psychological illness. It improves well-being, it makes people feel better but more importantly ECT saves lives.

ECT treatments today involve no jarring movements, no shocks that rack the body. As Psychiatrist Phillip Mitchell describes, ECT has come a long way.

"It was a very old fashion type of ECT, it was unmodified, patients didn't have an anaesthetic, ECT has progressed a long way since then," Dr Mitchell said.

"Now we know the electrical dose that will work for the individual patient, the other advance is that it is a much safer procedure, we are monitoring the heart rate, monitoring the oxygen levels in the blood."

Sharon was so depressed she totally withdrew from life. She became catatonic, she'd tried everything from counselling to serious medication but nothing worked.

Finally ECT was suggested, she backed away because of the stigma attached but eventually out of sheer desperation Sharon tried it. Today her life has turned around and she now counsels people suffering depression.

While TMS and ECT aren't cures for depression they're certainly helping Australians.

TMS

The TMS assessment went well; the prof was very easy to talk to, he was familiar with my case – a relief to not have to tell my entire history – and we decided to go ahead with it. First we had to find the right dose; this is done by placing the coil on the head just behind the treatment area, as it is turned up the hand on the opposite side begins to twitch, when the twitching happens you’ve got your dose! I felt like I was moving it my-self, staying relaxed was hard. He then found the area on my head the coil needed to be for treatment and marked it with a lovely red marker and sent me away for 45 minutes until my appointment.

The treatment its self was a little uncomfortable, more so the set up than the procedure. The magnet is heavy and they have to get it in just the right place resting on your head with a stand to keep it in place, my head was on a weird angle (but on a nice chair) and I was wearing ear plugs whilst they were shouting instructions at me. I watched Cowboy Bebop whilst they fussed around me; and then the treatment started... Imagine someone poking you just above and behind the temple quite hard, and then an involuntary muscular movement going down your face and forehead a few times a second, well that’s what it is like but there’s no poke, it’s just the magnet doing its thing!

Anyway I feel fine, still not actually fine, but you know, my head isn’t about to blow up.

Russian Pillow

My temporary doctor just came in and had a lovely chat with me; she’s easy to get along with and I like that she takes notes in her head rather than having a file sitting between us. I think I prefer her to my normal doctor, but he has helped me so much and I really  can’t justify swapping, plus I don’t know if she’s taking new patients. One may think he hasn’t helped me that much if I’m sitting here, suicidal back where I was seven months ago, but I have come a long way, even with this regression taken into account.

I didn’t write today – not properly anyway – I spent the day in bed hugging my pillow and listening to Russian liturgical chants, they’re very relaxing, my new friend M put me onto them, I suggest you find some online if you need help relaxing or sleeping. It helps that I don’t have a clue what they’re saying so I’m not trying to analyse it. 

Hole in my Heart

I feel that the quality of my writing is lacking, I’m in the middle of a short story for uni, and I’m struggling to write posts on here which are any more than just a journal entry. My journal entries may be a little different to most peoples, but they are nonetheless an account of what’s been happening to me and me alone. I wrote a little more of my story today despite it being my first day back in hospital, I suppose that’s something to be proud of. My admission went well, they already knew about Friday night’s incident, that didn’t prevent me having to retell it to my admitting nurse, my fill in doctor and my evening nurse. Today I hate everyone who loves me, because I want to die without leaving any pain behind. I think of my family, of R, K, C, L and other friends and feel guilty even though I haven’t done anything yet; my fill in doctor says that’s good, I just feel angry and want them to go away, but then I don’t want them to go because I love them.

Writing this actually made me cry, I can’t remember the last time I did that, I don’t do that!

Come visit me, I’m staying even if they don’t do TMS.

Daddy

So I took the valium and a few other things, not all of it, just enough to warrant a trip to ED and monitoring for six hours; as a result I'm going back to hospital in the morning (Sunday) instead of Monday. I feel really shit and to add to it my dad suggested that I took the pills to give my self a higher chance of having TMS, ummm no! I took them to escape for a while and it didn't work

Mac Valium Monday

This is the first post written from my lovely macbook pro which I got for my birthday in December, I've not used it much because I haven't been around 'real' internet connections long enough to install everything needed to make it go, eg - open office. I'm still using chrome as my web browser, so I guess I've still got a way to go before I leave PC land, well I've got a long way to go, this thing confuses me, I get lost and then I remember that mac's are easy and whatever I need should be in front of me and there it is!

Tonight has been pretty crappy in my head, I found my dad's valium stash – not that it was hidden, I just went looking for it and to my delight the box is full. I only have to behave until Monday morning when I'm readmitted, I don't know what to do until then though, everything's boring, I just want to die, it's tempting to take the valium and the drugs I have stashed so I can sleep until Monday, it wouldn't be a lethal dose, just a strong one.

I lost a kilo this week, it doesn't make up for the 500 I've gained over the last two years, but at least it's in the right direction, it was hard work and I have to keep it up for 30 more kilos, one lesson learned is that no matter how hot it is outside a milkshake is a poor substitute for coffee.

I'm going to take Rico for a walk now, there's no valium out there...

Fear

The last few nights I’ve been gripped by an unreasonable fear, only at night and never about anything. I just feel scared.

I’m home now (well parents’ home) and I get to stay out of hospital until the 30^th, not the 24^th as previously thought. I’ve had my sleeping meds, it’s bed time.

Goodnight. 

Last Night Drinks

I now have a different hair colour. My Dr walked in while I was in the middle of doing it, I had to tell him to come back, he came back only 15 minutes later so we had to chat in my room with the dye still in my hair. It was a good chat and resulted in my discharge being brought forward by one day. I’ll see him at 9 tomorrow morning and if all is well I’ll leave at 10! My new friend, M, and I are about to go out for last night drinks (read milkshake). I’m still apprehensive about going home, but I need to get out of here even if it is only for six days, that said if I feel then how I do now I won’t qualify for TMS and I’ll be free to go. I don’t have anything else to say except to complain about the weather like everyone else, my room is nice and cool.

Home Again (Soon)

It looks like Thursday will be home day, I’ll get to stay there for an entire five days before coming back for the TMS assessment; if they deem it appropriate for me I’ll be readmitted immediately - or so I’ve been led to believe. I’m very ready to get out of here, but not so ready to go home, church was a bit difficult tonight, I felt crowded in a half full building and the drive was awful I wanted to blow up the other cars on the road – thankfully I was only the passenger.

This admission still feels like it achieved little in a very long time, but I am experiencing fewer violent thoughts than when I arrived and my mood is generally better, plus I’m on fewer drugs. I think I made a friend! I don’t do too well at that usually so I’m kind of stoked! You meet great people in hospital, it sucks that you’re both sick, but you get each other like no one else can, and that is such a blessing. 

A Tiny Update

My TSM assessment was supposed to be today, I now have to wait about two weeks thanks to my Dr forgetting to give me some paperwork to fill in and the Prof in charge of TMS going on leave after today. I have to be discharged for eight days before coming back in for TMS (if I'm deemed right for it), so that should mean I have just under a week left in here before going home for those eight days, I can’t go home now because drugs are still changing and I’m not doing too well.

Regression

This admission feels like it’s going nowhere, but that’s not true. I’ve come off Lovan – the big hurdle – and a couple of other drugs, started a new drug and increased the dose of another one; I now await my TMS assessment, which should be on Tuesday. There was a family meeting tonight, hearing my Dr talking about me rather than to me felt uncomfortable, I don’t think he has high hopes for me, he thinks I might have to be happy with being bearably better, able to manage but not necessarily able to live the life I want; I’m probably twisting his words, but that’s what I heard... I think I’m back to where I was a few months ago, staying alive for the sake of others, not because I have anything I really want to live for. I need to find a reason to live, not just reasons to not die; I can’t even choose really shallow stuff like travel because I’m stuck on the disability pension and seriously doubt I could work, so no money for me! Even really ugly people seem to be able to get married and have a family, I’m not ugly, just fat and sick, but no one seems interested in me, let alone Mr Right. I lack serious talent, I’m not going to change the world – why the fuck am I here, and why do I have to feel so bad? Simple Christian answer is to bring glory to God – HOW!?

Science and Incense

I understand there was another minor self harm incident this week? How’s the leg? I want you to give me daily one to ten’s on: visual disturbance-self harm; suicidal urges; self harm urges; mood; sleep; general anxiety; and concentration, please.  I see from the nurses’ report that you had a good day yesterday, no, I see. That’s just the depression making you stay in your pyjamas for the whole day and two nights, that’ll get worse next week as you come closer to being Lovan free; the anxiety and OCD will probably worsen too. So, to sum up your medications: we’ve taken you off three and now you’re only on four main psychiatric drugs. My hypothesis may be wrong and we do need you on an SSRI, but that’s when we’ll start looking at TMS, actually I’ll arrange an assessment for you for next Tuesday, these things take time.

Shopping List For You For Me

Flowers

Ice cream with some chocolate percentage

Easy old cheapo computer games

Something to decorate my room (F, I still have yours)

Incense with burner and candle and lighter, or a scented candle will do, I suppose!

You to decorate my room (between the hours of 4pm and 8pm mon to fri or 10am to 8pm sat and sun)

Panadol brand paracetamol – they give us the crappy stuff here and it’s harder than anything else I have to swallow

Anything else nice and lovely to cheer me up – I love presents if you can’t tell

Water

I overdid it a little today, I did the second half of my Christmas shopping and wrapping, plus a few other bits and pieces, in two two hour stints, (I only get two hours leave at a time) followed by a two hour visit with my parents and Rico. This was followed by a very violent night in my head, sadly it didn’t stay there – most of it did I’m very proud to say but a tiny bit got through, the nurses were very helpful and my Dr did a phone order for some extra meds for the night. He wants me to limit my activity for tomorrow, which will be difficult since the day is already full, my night is free so I’ll just argue that I’m doing less than I did today!

I haven’t watched Rage in ages, I think it will be entertaining me tonight for many hours, I’ve had every sedative I’m allowed and I’m still wired, ooo The Panda Band, I haven’t heard from them in years. This is definitely a good time for Rage, Josh Pyke now. Enough about music! My friend R lent me lots of things to keep me entertained and spiritually nourished whilst in here, one of which was a prayer book belonging to her great Aunt, I had a look at it tonight and it seems quite ummm nourishing, she’s bringing me children’s DVDs tomorrow because I can’t focus on adult ones, I love R

Have a Day in my Head

I made it to church on Sunday and am glad I went; I realised I possibly look forward to the coming of Christ more than many others, it means being in the glory of God, but also away from all this shit, we sung a few songs re: let your kingdom come etc and I couldn’t help but think, or just let me die. Is it bad to leave church more suicidal than when you got there?! My report for today is that things are bad and getting worse, my mood is low, but has been lower, the distressing thing is the return of the violent images and compulsion to act on them, this is where being in hospital is important, if I self hard in here I get sectioned and sent to the nearest public hospital with a psych ward, in this case that would be a bad bad thing, also depending on what I did and his own attitude I may get Dr dumped again, no thanks!

I got some writing done yesterday, very little, but some all the same. I moved rooms too, I still don’t have a single room, but I have a double to myself, they’re not expecting anyone in until after Christmas, so it’s mine. Daddy, Rico and I went out for lunch yesterday and R came to visit today, I’m feeling less lonely than last time.

I’m tired now, bed time.

Hospital Admission Number Unicorn

This admission could be seven weeks! I’ve got three weeks to get Lovan (and others) out of me and then I’m probably doing rT.M.S (repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation), which is a four week inpatient commitment. I’ve given you a link to some info about it; it’s the best I could find that wasn’t overly academic or Wikipedia! I have an annoying roommate at the moment, she sleeps with the TV on and leaves it on all day while she sleeps too, it’s okay though because over the weekend I’m getting a private room, that’ll be a first for me in this hospital. I only got my laptop power cable back from testing this morning and I’ve got my phone up and running as a modem, I’m hoping I can now get some writing done before the withdrawals really start to hit and that the single room will help me to do that, I can’t think with this TV blaring at me.

Come visit me, it gets so lonely here, I can’t write the hospital location on the blog, but facebook or SMS me and I’ll tell you.

Back Again Back Again

After the last two posts it feels wrong to come back saying I’m ill again a little quote “I don’t know how to move on from being acutely sick” – well it seems the answer is, don’t. I got a urgent appointment with my Dr, I’ll see him tomorrow and ask to come off all my meds and try TMS or even ECT, they both work for anxiety as well as depression and it is currently taking seven drugs to poorly control my condition. TMS will mean a 4 week admission plus one weekend a month forever, ECT means 2 to 3 weeks plus a bit of maintenance when I need it, but I’m no Dr and can’t prescribe myself a course of either therapy. I think he’ll want to play around with drugs more, but I’m sick of it and so is my body.

I’m spending the week at my parents’ being looked after, it’s good because I don’t have to do anything but bad for the same reason. At home at least I’d have nice places to walk Rico (he’s with me) and I could go out with friends for coffee, I only have two friends out this way and they work full time, plus I haven’t showered in days and the thought of doing so makes me want to cry, so I don’t think a catch up is really on the cards, actually I have to shower before my outreach worker comes in the morning, it’s something she chases me up about... I would like to die peacefully in my sleep tonight – that is not a suicide threat, just how I feel.

Daddy

My mum says dad hardly drinks to the point of drunkenness anymore, yet every time I come home there he is blind drunk. I don’t know if she lies or if he happens to drink more when I’m around, either way, it’s annoying. He’s not as unpredictable now as in his younger days when you could expect to be hiding from him, listening to your latest offensive name, arguing – or rather trying to stop the arguments and dodging flying crockery. These days he’s confused, tired and mean, but not violent. Last year I got a consolation birthday present because he was drunk on my birthday – a nice pearl necklace, he’s always apologised with presents and money, I’m a bit old for it now but it’s his language. At the moment he’s talking nonsense to my brother.

It's My Party And I'll Eat if I Want to

I had a little birthday gathering today, it was poorly attended, as have all my parties been since birth (except my 21^st which was held very early) due to end of year celebrations, Christmas parties and family gatherings clashing. Still, with over three quarters of my guests missing and the weather being a tad on the cold side I had a nice day. I’m missing church as I write, I had a nap and overslept...

I haven’t written for a while, that’s because I don’t want to bore you with “The Adventures of Rico and K The tale of how a mentally ill girl and her anxious dog navigate life” It would include walks, window frame scratching, rolling in dead birds and both characters sleeping far too much. I still don’t have much to say, but thought I’d record my party. I started taking Seroquel again, it’s already putting weight on me and making me lethargic, my choice is taking an appetite suppressant or stopping the drug; stopping would be annoying because it has lifted my mood further and decreased my anxiety, in my brain I think I’m quite normal with this concoction of drugs (Lovan; Abilify; Epilim; Seroquel; Circadin; and Imovane) but it may be that my body isn’t so happy with it.

It’s an odd experience being well (enough), I don’t want to kill myself anymore, I don’t want to hurt myself anymore, the very thought of doing so scares me. I want to drop this drug weight so I have more energy to physically do things, I want to look like I did a few years ago so I’m not completely repulsive to men; I want a boyfriend so much, I hate being single but there’s a shortage of eligible Christian men, let alone good ones. Sometimes I want M back, it wouldn’t work (and he wouldn’t have me) but I miss the feeling of love, it’s weird, I felt it even though he said he stopped loving me two years before the relationship ended. Maybe what I felt and miss was my own love for him. I gather if you love God as much as you should you’d have a similar feeling, kind of safe and warm, but I’m still getting there. I don’t know how to move on from being acutely sick, I can’t do much with the lethargy, and my anxiety still peaks under pressure, but I fear I might get bored and self sabotage again if left where I am. Next semester I’ll pick up another uni subject, that should help, one online subject isn’t much to keep me occupied, two on campus should help my dilemma. I’ve volunteered my services to Mind Australia to be the person I wish I had in the depths of my illness to someone else – a person to say it doesn’t go on forever and with patience you can come out the other side. I just hope I stay on this side; there are many middle aged and elderly people in the hospitals, apparently you don’t stay well forever either (I might not tell the people I work with that bit).

The Sleeping Giant and The Restless Girl

Circadin; Mogadon; Imovane; these should make a giant sleep through the night. Not me! I thought it was getting better, instead it’s 4:45am and I’ve already had breakfast and a pretty amazing hot chocolate, watched an episode or two of The Simpsons, and read a few news articles. I had three good nights and thought maybe we’d cracked it, this could mean a big medication change, Dr and I discussed it on Wednesday and if I can’t sleep on these meds the next option is to change my antipsychotic back to Seroquel (the fat drug) and add a appetite suppressant, there is another drug option, I forget its name. I’m so sick of this, I want to be well enough to get through uni at a decent pace and establish some sort of paid career; I don’t want to be in a share house forever. (Oh good news, I got a new house mate and she’s lovely). Hopefully I’ll get more sleep this morning, maybe in a few hours I’ll doze off on the couch, or I might give bed another shot, right now I’m really wired.

Cancer Not so Gone

My dad’s Dr’s disagreed about whether or not the advanced part of his cancer had gone, since it didn’t show up in the MRI – so he got a second opinion from the urology guru of the Eastern suburbs, he agreed with the urology guru of the Western suburbs, and not the oncologist – who had the more positive view. This leaves my dad back with a 5-10 year life span; I guess I’d better pop out a kid soon so he can meet it. Sorry to those of you who have, or are losing loved ones through cancer, I’m sure the way I talk about it seems harsh; I do feel for my dad, but it’s complex when there’s abuse involved. If you’re the praying type, healing would be great, but a huge immediate need is stress, it’ll kill him before the cancer!

I’m not ok at the moment; circumstance, chemistry or both, I don’t know. I wish

I had a friend glued to my side for company and to stop me doing dumb things. 

Saturday Thoughts

Barbara’s funeral was on Thursday, it was a nice service, with a lot of people there – many of them very old. I cried all the way through and a bit more at the end, it felt right and good to get the tears out. As I was about to leave a lady approached me, put her hand on my back and said “I just really felt like I should talk to you, I wonder if you could be one of the people Barbara asked me to pray for”. I gave her my name and yes, there was some sort of connection between us, Barbara and hospital A (who banned me). She is part of a evangelical mental health support group and gave me her details in case I want to have coffee, it’s interesting because my friend and I were thinking of doing something similar at our church, it could be good to hear what they do.

In other news: insomnia sucks, I woke at 4 this morning, got up eventually and watched an episode of House, hoping it would make me tired, nope! I went back to bed at 7 and got up at 11, I don’t know how much sleep I got in-between. I haven’t been very well for a few days, I’m kind of faking wellness to my parents, I’m sure it’s the sleep trouble and grief. I had a genuinely good time last night playing board games with some friends and a semi stranger who is a bit less strange now. I didn’t win, but I only just came second in both games, so I feel quite satisfied.

I’ve started drawing a play, I’ve never started the process visually before, it’s proving interesting.

Death and Hormones

Barbara’s death is slowly hitting me, people are posting photos and videos of her on facebook, that’s hard, but I look at them because I imagine her account will eventually be closed and I may never see her image again.

I’m not well today, and I can’t tell my mum who is just in the next room, because I really want to go home on Wednesday. I love having my own space, and I think how I feel is partly hormonal, even on the pill, the few days on the sugar tablets are bad; that combined with the Lovan reduction isn’t going to be helping me.

I want to start a small theatre company, it’s been my dream since I was 14 and I’m now giving it some serious thought. I write well, I act well and I direct very well; I just need a bunch of other people to join me and probably money etc.

So I do and don't have BPD. Here's a Video.

You can watch it here:
http://vimeo.com/14791869

Borderline Personality Disorder http://vimeo.com/14791869 About this video: "Created by: Ofir Sasson, 2010"

The Battle is Over

I don’t feel like writing this blog anymore, that’s not to say I will stop, I just haven’t felt the inclination; I haven’t felt the inclination to do anything, though.

I am currently in hospital for admission number 10, I’m bored, I was doing really well but then my new med stopped working so well, then yesterday I learned of the suicide of my friend Barbara – you’ll know her as B or Babz, she was the last person to comment on this blog, and probably the one who has the most. Barbara had severe borderline personality disorder with a few extras thrown in. We stopped seeing each other in person because I felt she was a bad influence on me, I could see this coming so didn’t want to be too close to her, that was in March (we had a couple of visits since then). I now regret that decision, she needed more friends, I need more friends – we could have been the solution to each others’ problem, or maybe things would be exactly the same but now I’d be much more upset.

Barbara was extremely smart, kind and considerate, and fighting a very hard battle, a weaker soul would have lost it many years ago. I’ve experienced just a taste of what she’s been through and I’m impressed she could get out of the house, let alone attempt normal life activities. She was strong and I will miss her even though our relationship was mostly online.

I was supposed to see my Dr 45 minutes ago to find out when I’m leaving in light of the Barbara situation and drug problems; it was supposed to be tomorrow, but I don’t think so! I’m thinking of coming off Lovan (antidepressant) and staying on Abilify (new antidepressant and other things too) because the combination is a great way to turn you into an insomniac and Lovan is supposedly bad for me anyway.

I’ll try and write again soon.

K

Too Many Pets

I had the best dream last night; Rico, although he’s sterilised had a puppy, we never saw the mother, but it was his puppy. My brother came to visit me in hospital and brought heaps of stuff like he was running away, little of it was in suitcases, just mounds. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something in this mountainous pile move; I went over to inspect and found a very very young kitten, it was identical to my parents (also de-sexed) cat, Fiz (I bought her, I didn’t name her), I held the little thing in my hand, one hand was ample size and then I saw more movement. It appeared Fiz had had a huge litter and like any wise mother of 20 decided to abandon them in my brother’s clothes, but not without providing food, for there were many, many mice in there too and just to add to the fun a single guinea pig and Rico’s puppy. Rico had clearly not mated with a fellow cocker spaniel, but it was a cute and happy thing just like him.

That’s the mildest and most fuzzy dream I’ve had in ages, I probably had it because I really miss Rico and I found out yesterday that I’m going to be away from him longer than expected... I’m being transferred to the hospital my last admission was in so they can supervise my Abilify increase, and also keep an eye on some colourful thoughts

I’ve been having. I hope it’s not a long admission.

Not The End

I suppose someday my readers will stumble upon this whilst deleting their browsing history, and they will wonder “what the hell is onereclusivegirl?” and then they will see the labels on the right and remember this blog belonged to a depressed, anxious, borderline, OCD, slightly psychotic, whoops not borderline anymore, girl. She wrote here instead of letting the thoughts eat her alive.

Facebook no longer provides a means to post anything (a link for example) without excluding others from seeing it. I can’t risk my family, or future employers getting their hands on this blog. There will be no more facebook posts, but if you bookmark this you might get a new post here from time to time.

A little update,

I’m on a new drug, Abilify, so far it’s making me nauseous and has caused some visual disturbances. This OCD course isn’t quite right for me, but I am learning. None of my friends live around here, but a SMS or phone call would have been lovely, I’ve had one friend visitor and my parents and dog. It was like this last time too, I just feel out of sight out of mind when in hospital – and a lot of other times if I’m honest. My phone just beeped, the SMS tone and the battery full tone are the same, I just got excited over a full battery... Forgive me while I go and cry in a corner now.

Day Four of Visit Nine

Today I touched some dirty things and then ate a biscuit without washing my hands first. I didn’t like it.

This hospital is reasonably nice, private room and bathroom, it’s comfortable. The dining room is being renovated, so our meals are brought up to the ward, this means cold toast in the morning! Visitors are welcome, the hours are limited, but we can make it work.

I withdrew from my uni subject a few days ago, I feel like my creative ability has been stolen and there’s no way I can write a full length (good) play at the moment.

Could someone let me know if the facebook status “new post” I leave about this blog shows up on the ticker? I can’t post the link anymore because I’m afraid anyone can see it in the ticker, but if I don’t post the link people will stop coming.

Admission # 9

On Sunday I went for an interview at the hospital running the OCD program, I was told that I might get in the one starting at the end of October, but definitely the December one failing that. Then yesterday I got a call saying “We’ve had someone pull out of the next group, can you come in on Saturday!” So with little time to prepare myself for it I’m off to hospital for my 9^th admission. This time is different, it’s not a crisis admission, but rather a course to teach me (and 7 others) CBT skills for eight hours a day. I don’t really feel like my OCD is bad enough to be doing this program, Lovan takes care of it very well, and I wonder if I should have come off it before the admission so they can see me at my worst. Then I can learn skills to help with the worst, but maybe it will be easier to learn if I’m not distressed. Rico has been amazing lately, the drugs and routine have worked well, I can now leave him inside when I go out without worrying, he doesn’t pound on the window as I walk away and he isn’t so enthusiastic when I get home that he could knock me over. I hope the two week holiday at my parents’ doesn’t send him back to square one.

Word Stew

My vision has returned enough to be going on with daily life, but I still have to strain to see up close, and I have to rest my eyes frequently. I’m now completely off Zeldox and Cogentin, so far it doesn’t seem like I’ll need a replacement, I’m actually fine! I wonder if I might be coming to the end of all this, the prospect scares me, because if I’m well then it means I’ve got no excuse not to be working and studying hard. I worked two days this week and I was watching the clock from the moment I arrived, I need work I find interesting and challenging but I won’t find it unless I keep doing well at uni, which I won’t finish for another 7.5 years if my study load doesn’t increase. I’m already thinking of dropping my one and only subject for this semester, the eye thing set me back two weeks, I have no creative energy and deadlines are flying by...

A Little Catch up

I haven’t posted for a while because the new medication gave me very blurred near vision, it’s slowly improving since I stopped taking it, I can see well enough to type now, but it hurts to focus on anything close for too long (long being a few seconds). I haven’t done any uni work because I can’t read and I’m getting behind which is giving me more stress than I need when I have a drug change coming up – since the drug to treat the side effects gave me worse side effects, that means I have to come off the first one too. The drug I have to come off is the anti-psychotic, it has been the one getting rid of the graphic violent urges, just reducing the dose isn’t an option because I feel like I need a higher dose to maintain where I am now, now is far from perfect, but still quite good.

On Monday and Tuesday of next week I will be working for the first time in 22 months! I agreed a while ago to be the emergency barista for a not so local cafe. I was offered  a proper job but with my health so up and down I’d make a very unreliable employee – plus I have no desire to work in hospitality; as much as I love sending out a great coffee, it is just coffee and I’m terrible with customers. I hope this will be a coffee only arrangement and I don’t have to talk to people, also that I don’t have to carry the coffees out, my hands are so shaky – I probably should have mentioned that before accepting the shifts. I have five days to change my mind, this feels like a really bad idea, they’re 7 hour shifts, that’s long when you’re only just dipping your toe back in the water, but maybe being out there doing stuff will be good for me.

Benzlakinjordhadinturpproptropine

I’m starting a new drug tonight for the tremors, I don’t know anything about it because it wasn’t discussed in the consult last week, and I can’t find much useful information in this wonderful web. Here’s to more side effects; oh I hope not.