This admission feels like it’s going nowhere, but that’s not true. I’ve come off Lovan – the big hurdle – and a couple of other drugs, started a new drug and increased the dose of another one; I now await my TMS assessment, which should be on Tuesday. There was a family meeting tonight, hearing my Dr talking about me rather than to me felt uncomfortable, I don’t think he has high hopes for me, he thinks I might have to be happy with being bearably better, able to manage but not necessarily able to live the life I want; I’m probably twisting his words, but that’s what I heard... I think I’m back to where I was a few months ago, staying alive for the sake of others, not because I have anything I really want to live for. I need to find a reason to live, not just reasons to not die; I can’t even choose really shallow stuff like travel because I’m stuck on the disability pension and seriously doubt I could work, so no money for me! Even really ugly people seem to be able to get married and have a family, I’m not ugly, just fat and sick, but no one seems interested in me, let alone Mr Right. I lack serious talent, I’m not going to change the world – why the fuck am I here, and why do I have to feel so bad? Simple Christian answer is to bring glory to God – HOW!?
It's not always going to be like this, K. Things are going to get better, so hang in there, for your sake and ours. And keep writing.
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