The Other Side

I’m trapped in this for the next 5 weeks and 2 days.

I’m only 5 days in and I hate it. I don’t know how people cope with casts for broken bones, at least I can take this off and wash my arm and let it breathe if I’m careful not to move my thumb.

I’m thinking of bringing forward my move to Scotland. I’ve had so much trouble finding a house here and I don’t have much to live for, a few friends and a week full of various therapies. My concerns are health care and finances, as I won’t be able to start my little business right away. From the research Mum and I have done it looks like I won’t be without government help though. More phone calls to make yet. As far as mental health care goes the NHS is better than our public system, but having no first hand experience of it I’m a little scared.

This will be my first week back at art therapy since the public holidays, also my first with the splint on. I don’t know what I’m going to make with only my left hand, but I’ll give it a try.

Good Friday, Feeling Bad

Seven people read today's post, on top of how I was feeling I've not got attention seeking and disappointment to keep them company.
They had people going up the front for prayer at church tonight both during and after the service. I very nearly went up to ask for God to kill me promptly, but decided that would be letting the attention seeking / manipulative part of my diagnosis out for a play. So instead I left and drove the hour home feeling like shit.

Here are some photos of my magazine I took today with the girl in them this time.

Long Live K

I don’t have a happy post today, they’re so rare an occurrence that you should know not to come here for a dose of joy.

I had a little admission from 3/4 – 7/4 due to strong, impulsive suicidal urges. That also included a trip to the Alfred, but I left before being seen by a Dr.

A woman I met through Gumtree and I have been looking for houses. We went to an inspection on Tuesday and applied, even offered more because there were around 50 other people there. We were told yesterday that we were unsuccessful. The house was the best I’ve seen and in a very good location – I would have been able to walk to things, I’ve never lived in a good walking location. There are other houses out there yes, but I’ve been looking for 16 months, it’s about time something went right.

My psychiatrist has asked to see my school reports between the ages of 5 – 10, he’s assessing me for ADHA. I read through not just those ones, but all of my school years last night and I found it very disheartening. I only remember being woefully bad at science and maths, but according to my reports it was everything except drama and sometimes music and English. Some of the teachers’ comments were venomous and lacked even a hint of encouragement. Things took a dive when I moved schools at the end of grade 5. I don’t know if the new school spent more time on reports and the old one just said everyone is wonderful, or if in the space of one Summer holiday I forgot how to do everything I’d been taught to the extent of having most of the highest boxes ticked to the mediocre – lowest.  People often tell me I’m smart and I correct them or try to pretend they didn’t say it. It’s something I love to hear, but I can’t believe it because of my results in school. How can you be smart when you struggled with all but one subject in school, when you only got into uni by audition and only excelled in the core subjects? I am what I hate, mediocrity, or even worse idiocy and laziness.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I wish I wasn’t afraid to finish it. I could; I still have my medication stockpile from last year’s planning. But I’m a mediocre, lazy, stupid coward and I’m going to live in boredom and pain until I’m 97.