I wrote a poem in art therapy yesterday, I won’t share it here because I am a terrible poet; instead I’ll tell you about the experience. The therapist took our class into the garden where we were encouraged to touch, smell and observe the general scenery. After a little look and feel around I sat under a butterfly bush (?) with purple flowers; it resembled the head of a snake and smelled of blueberry. So I wrote about this snake teasing me with his lush blueberries, when I have to eat fake ones (my new drug is blueberry flavoured). I enjoyed the experience and the poem came out quite freely, I might try a little more next time I feel inclined.
My medication is being increased and changed to a morning dose rather than night because we think it is interrupting my sleep. Despite taking sleeping pills I keep waking around 2am and then again at 5:30. I think I will be here longer than the two weeks planned, I’m only half way to the treatment dose of the new medication and once I get there we have to see if it actually does anything and how high it needs to be within the treatment range. I’m also having problems with my antidepressant and I have to come off or reduce my anti-psychotic / sedative, all this in 8 days, I don’t think so!
I had a good visit with my mum tonight and a random patient (M – not the ex) sat with us and talked, it was actually great having M there, she is from Northern Ireland and so had some things to talk to my mum about, and of course we had a lot to talk about since we are in a similar predicament. A patient who was in here last time with me has returned following major surgery. She had a huge risk of not surviving it so it’s great to see that she made it though and is well on the road to recovery.
Generally I’m feeling pretty crappy, I’ve been having more trouble than usual with large groups of people, and so have been staying in my room. I skipped lunch today and took my dinner to my room so I could avoid being in a full dining room. If I had it my way this hospital would be empty except for me, one of the good nurses and my doctor -and my cat, it’s his 3rd birthday tomorrow.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Five of Three
I write to you on day five of admission number three. A new drug – Lamictal - has been added to my cocktail, the plan is that once it is up to treatment dose the Seroquel will be reduced or eliminated because it is making me put on weight, and although it does sedate me it doesn’t seem to be doing anything for my mood. I can’t say much about Lamictal’s effects yet because I’m only half way to treatment dose, it needs to be introduced slowly to reduce the chance of catastrophic side effects (yippee). There are not as many people around my age (who aren’t here for drug and alcohol - they’re kind of scary) this time, so I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t really feel like I should be here because I’m not too bad at the moment, but it is best for the drug change to be supervised, especially once I start coming off the Seroquel. And maybe it's best to keep me away from high structures.
I went to an open house on Saturday, it was beautiful, but I think I need to stick to looking at three bedroom places; a four person household would be too chaotic for my liking. It’s a hard decision to make because the four bedroom houses typically have proper gardens – something I want – and possible room for my (yet to be acquired) Great Dane. I’m starting to feel a little torn between settling in the Blackburn area – near church and friends, or heading back out to the hills where it is beautiful and the surroundings alone lift my mood, I could probably get a rental with a much larger garden there too, but I’d almost certainly bump into M at some point. I wish I could hurry up and get over M, it still hurts like it happened yesterday, just minus the shock. I’ve been reading a book recommended to me by my psychiatrist, I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me and it is becoming more apparent that a relationship with me is a curse to be avoided, also that I shouldn’t reproduce. Life minus spouse and spawn is not what I envisaged.
To end on a positive note, I think my attention span is improving, I hadn’t been able to follow a newspaper article, let alone a novel... Before the breakup with M I was reading The Iliad and I hadn’t touched it since, until this week. I’m following it well and I remember what had happened in the previous (hundreds of) pages, I really didn’t want to go back to the start. I’m glad I’ve already read Agamemnon, The Iliad would be harder to follow without the knowledge I have from Agamemnon.
That's all for now, there is little happening, so little to write about.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Surprise!
They do like to spring things on you at this hospital of mine. I was told yesterday that I needed to be re-admitted and there would be a wait of around a week. That’s fine, I just need to try and behave until then. This afternoon I receive a phone-call “Can you be here by 4:30?” that’s worse than last time’s 6pm “Can you be here by 10am?” I said I would go in today but then he explained that they only had a shared room available, I am not sharing a room so I have to wait. Given they seem to like surprising me with only a few hours to get there I’m going to do most of my packing tonight so I’m ready to go at the drop of a hat. This admission will be about 2 weeks, maybe a little longer since it’s for a drug change-over. This will bring my total hospitalisation time for this year up to 3 months and 1 week - that’s a lot.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Bolte Bridge
You know how yesterday I said there would probably be more admissions in the future – well I was right. There was a little incident last night involving two separate stops on the Bolte Bridge, a police car and two ambulances. It ended with me spending the night in the Royal Melbourne, seeing my psychiatrist this morning (which was scheduled anyway) and being told I’m going back to the psych hospital as soon as there’s a bed (probably next week). I don’t think I was actually going to do anything last night, I just hoped that by peering at death I might be frightened into realising that I wanted to live, or sure that I didn’t – just something that’s not this fog I’m in now. I was driving towards the exit for the bridge and my car almost took its self there, it was very impulsive (the first time).
For your information the bridge isn’t actually that high, I’m not convinced you’d die on impact with the water and drowning is not how I want to go! The design is also kind of inviting to jumpers, if you got over the (low) handrail you could just slide off like a playground slide, a little bad design I think – or one last pleasure for the people who now can’t jump off the Westgate thanks to the fences.
Post bridge episode: I’m home and have to try and behave for a while, there are many impulses which need to be ignored. I feel a little silly because I called the cat team on myself (I was stuck and confused, I didn’t know what to do next); I feel guilty for worrying my parents, and angry that it didn’t achieve anything. The upcoming hospital admission won’t be as long as the last one, this will be a focused drug re-jig, I think he already has some ideas in mind and he suggested that it should only be a two week stay – it’s better than 7!
I wasn’t going to post this, it’s very personal and I can’t make people un-read it if I change my mind; but this blog is where I’m honest. So here I am honestly saying that life is hard at the moment, I wish I could see it getting better, but I can’t. I really think this is it for me, emptiness, loneliness and the inability to jump – meaning I have to live with it for the rest of my natural life...
For your information the bridge isn’t actually that high, I’m not convinced you’d die on impact with the water and drowning is not how I want to go! The design is also kind of inviting to jumpers, if you got over the (low) handrail you could just slide off like a playground slide, a little bad design I think – or one last pleasure for the people who now can’t jump off the Westgate thanks to the fences.
Post bridge episode: I’m home and have to try and behave for a while, there are many impulses which need to be ignored. I feel a little silly because I called the cat team on myself (I was stuck and confused, I didn’t know what to do next); I feel guilty for worrying my parents, and angry that it didn’t achieve anything. The upcoming hospital admission won’t be as long as the last one, this will be a focused drug re-jig, I think he already has some ideas in mind and he suggested that it should only be a two week stay – it’s better than 7!
I wasn’t going to post this, it’s very personal and I can’t make people un-read it if I change my mind; but this blog is where I’m honest. So here I am honestly saying that life is hard at the moment, I wish I could see it getting better, but I can’t. I really think this is it for me, emptiness, loneliness and the inability to jump – meaning I have to live with it for the rest of my natural life...
Monday, October 18, 2010
Always Be Insured
If you are ever diagnosed with a mental illness, and you don’t have health insurance make getting it your top priority. Australia’s public mental health care is woeful; it exists mainly to stop repeated emergency room presentations. One good thing Medicare has introduced in recent years is the cover of 12 psychology appointments per year, it’s not enough, but it’s something. When I was discharged from hospital I was given a pile of forms and receipts, I learnt that this year my insurance has paid out close to $50 000. My first admission was $15 000, my second $24 000 and there have been a lot of outpatient sessions and psychiatrist fees on top of that. That $50 000 is just for my mental health, there have also been tests, scans and chiropractic fees, oh and dental! I just got off the phone with my insurer I have increased my level of cover. I had a $500 excess per year and I had to pay extra to the hospital for a private room, I’m now fully covered for a private room and have no excess, even with the extra fees it will save me a lot for future admissions – sadly I expect there will be more.
In the recent health reforms mental health was completely overlooked and it affects so much of the population. I am fortunate to be insured. By myself I wouldn’t be able to afford it, but my parents are generous enough to continue supporting me despite being nearly 26. To be poor and mentally ill would be devastating, the worst of the worst get admitted to public hospitals, the rest suffer with minimal treatment, or in the case of men, go to prison. I haven’t been reading it recently, but there is an excellent health blog called Croakey, it is hosted on the Crikey website. During the health reforms they had posts almost daily about public mental health care (or lack of it). Have a read if you’re interested, at the moment they are talking about Medicare locals and how all that will work, I can’t be bothered reading it, go back a couple of months for the mental health stuff.
Well. It’s 1:12pm I’m still in my pyjamas and I stink from not showering in days; I might go and do something about that. I have to brave the big wide world today (visiting a friend and going to small group).
In the recent health reforms mental health was completely overlooked and it affects so much of the population. I am fortunate to be insured. By myself I wouldn’t be able to afford it, but my parents are generous enough to continue supporting me despite being nearly 26. To be poor and mentally ill would be devastating, the worst of the worst get admitted to public hospitals, the rest suffer with minimal treatment, or in the case of men, go to prison. I haven’t been reading it recently, but there is an excellent health blog called Croakey, it is hosted on the Crikey website. During the health reforms they had posts almost daily about public mental health care (or lack of it). Have a read if you’re interested, at the moment they are talking about Medicare locals and how all that will work, I can’t be bothered reading it, go back a couple of months for the mental health stuff.
Well. It’s 1:12pm I’m still in my pyjamas and I stink from not showering in days; I might go and do something about that. I have to brave the big wide world today (visiting a friend and going to small group).
Sunday, October 17, 2010
General Update
I’m home. I was discharged last Saturday (9th Oct). The new medication was increased and the higher dose has started to prove its self useful for my anxiety, but not so much for my mood, I also think it’s giving me auditory hallucinations (it’s hard to tell if they’re actually hallucinations and if the drug is responsible), if so I expect when I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday he’ll take me off it. Unfortunately my mood isn’t as chemically broken as my anxiety, so the drugs don’t do a lot for it; I say unfortunately because that means fixing it is a lot harder. I have a referral from my psychiatrist for a new psychologist because the one I’ve been seeing has not filled me with confidence in her abilities. The new one is supposedly very good with borderlines; I guess she’ll have fun with me. I was rejected by the outpatient service for the DBT class because I expressed concern about being patronised. Being rejected for DBT for borderline is akin to being told you can’t have your inflamed appendix removed until it gets a bit better by its self (it won’t will it!)
I have started looking for somewhere to live around the Blackburn area, I don’t expect it to be easy. I attended my first ever open house on Friday, there were so many people there, people who would probably be more attractive tenants than me. The house was beautiful, below budget and in a great area; but the garden was only just big enough for the washing line - I’d like to have entertaining space and the possibility of a dog – it seems the houses with garden space are only in my budget range because the house its self is awful. I might have to be less picky or just find an existing share house to move into (cat = problem), I can’t put up with living with my family for much longer, Mum is being too protective, I feel suffocated.
My church small group sent me flowers and a lovely card this week. I haven’t been for about 10 weeks so it’s nice to know I’ve not been forgotten, I’ll try to make it tomorrow, I’ve been feeling terrible today so I can’t be sure that I’ll be able to, but I’ll try. I’ve organised to see a friend from the hospital before small group, this is a perfect arrangement because it means I can head over there before peak traffic starts, I have more than one reason to do the drive and I get to see B (my friend)
It’s been nearly five months since M (ex) decided he didn’t want me anymore, it still hurts like it happened yesterday, sometimes I forget that it happened at all and then suddenly I realise that he’s not my boyfriend anymore. People say it takes about a year to get over something like this, I’m almost half way and I don’t see or feel much progress.
Sorry this post has been a bit all over the place, I was laptop-less for a while (fan clogged) and as I said I feel terrible today, so my thoughts are a little wild.
I have started looking for somewhere to live around the Blackburn area, I don’t expect it to be easy. I attended my first ever open house on Friday, there were so many people there, people who would probably be more attractive tenants than me. The house was beautiful, below budget and in a great area; but the garden was only just big enough for the washing line - I’d like to have entertaining space and the possibility of a dog – it seems the houses with garden space are only in my budget range because the house its self is awful. I might have to be less picky or just find an existing share house to move into (cat = problem), I can’t put up with living with my family for much longer, Mum is being too protective, I feel suffocated.
My church small group sent me flowers and a lovely card this week. I haven’t been for about 10 weeks so it’s nice to know I’ve not been forgotten, I’ll try to make it tomorrow, I’ve been feeling terrible today so I can’t be sure that I’ll be able to, but I’ll try. I’ve organised to see a friend from the hospital before small group, this is a perfect arrangement because it means I can head over there before peak traffic starts, I have more than one reason to do the drive and I get to see B (my friend)
It’s been nearly five months since M (ex) decided he didn’t want me anymore, it still hurts like it happened yesterday, sometimes I forget that it happened at all and then suddenly I realise that he’s not my boyfriend anymore. People say it takes about a year to get over something like this, I’m almost half way and I don’t see or feel much progress.
Sorry this post has been a bit all over the place, I was laptop-less for a while (fan clogged) and as I said I feel terrible today, so my thoughts are a little wild.
Re-Posted Privacy Note
I have some new readers so I'm re-posting a note on privacy.
I’ve had a few people mention how open I am being about everything by linking this blog to facebook and posting the link fairly regularly etc. I’m not as open as you think. My facebook settings are personalised to prevent a lot of my friends from seeing those particular comments, and the link is also hidden from a lot of people. “Ahh”, you may say “but I can see them and I haven’t seen you in years”; well that means that I view you as someone who would not think less of me because of this blog, and even though I haven’t seen you for a long time I don’t mind you reading this. I also don’t view my-self worthy of being gossip fodder, who would be interested!
I have not listed my name on this blog and I would appreciate anyone who chooses to leave a comment to just refer to me as K and not mention anything else which could easily identify me. Thank you.
I’ve had a few people mention how open I am being about everything by linking this blog to facebook and posting the link fairly regularly etc. I’m not as open as you think. My facebook settings are personalised to prevent a lot of my friends from seeing those particular comments, and the link is also hidden from a lot of people. “Ahh”, you may say “but I can see them and I haven’t seen you in years”; well that means that I view you as someone who would not think less of me because of this blog, and even though I haven’t seen you for a long time I don’t mind you reading this. I also don’t view my-self worthy of being gossip fodder, who would be interested!
I have not listed my name on this blog and I would appreciate anyone who chooses to leave a comment to just refer to me as K and not mention anything else which could easily identify me. Thank you.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Fodder
Hopefully I’m leaving on Friday or Saturday. Lovan has been introduced to my drug cocktail, it is one of the older drugs, but still of the current era of antidepressants. I don’t know if it has started working yet, but it has definitely helped with the Pristiq withdrawal, probably because it deals with some of the same chemicals. All I know is that physically I feel a lot better. Mood is also better which is at least in part thanks to not feeling so bad physically. I miss how good Pristiq was with my anxiety, I’m back to thinking my food and beverages have been poisoned if I turn my back on them for any amount of time.
I made it to church tonight, it was good to be there with the people, I need to make sure I don’t drift away from it / them or I’m going to be totally lost. I found it hard tonight, I looked in the mirror afterwards to find lots of pinch marks on my collar bone (one of the things I do when I’m anxious). Tonight they had a guest speaker from some Christian agency for disabled people. The talk didn’t sit well with me and I now kind of feel like I and all other people who aren’t quite right are ripe to be used as Christian reward fodder. “Hey God, I invited a crazy person to dinner, one extra Heavenly reward please!” The speaker dude by no means said that, it’s just a thought that worked its way into my head while he was speaking and it stuck. There are a few good deeds I’ve done and never mentioned so I could save them for Heavenly rewards. Is that wrong? It can’t be because there are even instructions about it in the bible, right from Jesus’ mouth in-fact. Matthew 6:1-4 "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. 2"So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honoured by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 3But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” I’m not going to argue with Jesus, but feelings are not fact and I feel like reward fodder.
I made it to church tonight, it was good to be there with the people, I need to make sure I don’t drift away from it / them or I’m going to be totally lost. I found it hard tonight, I looked in the mirror afterwards to find lots of pinch marks on my collar bone (one of the things I do when I’m anxious). Tonight they had a guest speaker from some Christian agency for disabled people. The talk didn’t sit well with me and I now kind of feel like I and all other people who aren’t quite right are ripe to be used as Christian reward fodder. “Hey God, I invited a crazy person to dinner, one extra Heavenly reward please!” The speaker dude by no means said that, it’s just a thought that worked its way into my head while he was speaking and it stuck. There are a few good deeds I’ve done and never mentioned so I could save them for Heavenly rewards. Is that wrong? It can’t be because there are even instructions about it in the bible, right from Jesus’ mouth in-fact. Matthew 6:1-4 "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. 2"So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honoured by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 3But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” I’m not going to argue with Jesus, but feelings are not fact and I feel like reward fodder.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)