I don't go to one of those churches with flashing lights, smoke machines, music designed to hype you up and sermons that always have you leaving feeling special. I don't agree with artificially bringing on hysteria in order to fake a spiritual experience, and thus raise attendance. But I do feel in need of a little carrot, it seems like my church is all stick. None of us will ever be good enough, but we don't need to be because when God looks at us he sees Jesus' blood rather than all our inadequacies. I like communion for this reason, it gives us a physical reminder that we are cleansed, not by our own achievements, good works and lack of sin, but by His blood. We only do communion monthly in my congregation (I'd like fortnightly), I've started putting the dates in my calendar so I actually go that week. The most reminding I've had lately that God actually loves me has come from an elderly woman who forced her company upon me in a cafe, and whom I later bumped into whilst serving at a dinner for the underprivileged at her church. People say encouraging things, but it usually feels just like words which the last seven years of my life bring doubt upon; this woman has the gift, gets under my skin.
At the moment I need affirmation of God's mercy. I'm still in hospital, as it doesn’t feel safe to go home. There's enough of me that wants to live that I'm not absconding and going home to kill my self, but left to my own devices at home the strong, negative power within me would have me dead in a couple of days. The sensible thing to do would be to go home and immediately grab my drug stash and hand it in to my pharmacy. I can't. The part of me that wants to stay alive is small and scared of living; so it needs an exit plan. What I need is the assurance that God's mercy is greater than the sin of my final act on Earth being murder of self. I don't believe that if we fail to confess a sin we are not forgiven for it, we can't remember everything we've ever done and thought. So perhaps suicide is just another un-confessed sin. It does take away from God the power to teach through suffering, and perhaps (but I believe unlikely) to glorify himself through healing. But suicide is much like dying from any disease, it's the illness that kills you. In my case BPD, depression and anxiety. Is it a sin to die from an illness? A friend, K, learnt a lot about grace last year and has given me droplets of it. I think God understands. And I think we've got church and small groups quite wrong.
