I’d like to suggest that if you struggle
with self-harm not to read this post, I know I’d find it triggering.
So, I know I said in my last post that my
Neulactil reduction wasn’t going to happen until my next admission, but DR
decided to give my morning dose a very tiny reduction. I felt fine for the
first six days, and then on Sunday I decided it would be a great idea to slice
my arm open, requiring eight stitches, a first for me. I have wounds which
should have been stitched and are now just a big gaping scar, but this is the
first time I’ve actually had stitches for self-harm. I know this is an example
of my screwed up thinking, but I’m proud of them. When I was at my back-up
clinic (as it was Sunday) waiting for the GP I sat there hoping the cuts were
bad enough to get stitches and I was (quietly) thrilled when he said they
needed them. I had to go to my usual clinic today for a psych consult and a
dressing change and it was great to see the cuts and all the bruising. I
haven’t been able to look at it because it’s got a dressing and bandage on it.
As you can see below, one of the effects of
Neulactil is to help control impulsiveness. Self-harm, for me, is often an
impulsive activity. On Sunday it popped into my head and within a couple of
minutes I’d done it. Other times I can dwell on it for a full day and
successfully fight off the urge. On Monday I wanted to cut my throat, my leg
wouldn’t have satisfied the urge, it had to be my throat. I could feel it
without doing it, that’s how it often works. I can feel the cut, I can feel the
blood trickling away from the wound and I anticipate the release from the urge.
But cutting my throat, if it didn’t kill me (which I think would be pretty hard
to achieve) would have left me with a scar I’d have to either explain to people
or have them make assumptions about me, neither of which I’d be keen on.
I have to get through to Friday when I see
my DR (psychiatrist) again, in the meantime I’ve got another appointment with
my regular GP tomorrow and plenty of Xanax to take, maybe not two pills
together though, that made me sleep 14 hours two nights ago. It’s completely
shitty living with these urges and the anxiety that builds from resisting them
but I really want to get off the Neulactil, I want my mind back.
The active ingredient of Neulactil is pericyazine,
one of a group of medicines called phenothiazines.
Neulactil is used to treat patients who feel very
anxious and/or tense.
It is used in patients to control symptoms such as
impulsiveness and aggression.
It is also used in patients with severe mental
conditions when a person loses contact with reality and is unable to think and
judge clearly.
