The Sleeping Giant and The Restless Girl

Circadin; Mogadon; Imovane; these should make a giant sleep through the night. Not me! I thought it was getting better, instead it’s 4:45am and I’ve already had breakfast and a pretty amazing hot chocolate, watched an episode or two of The Simpsons, and read a few news articles. I had three good nights and thought maybe we’d cracked it, this could mean a big medication change, Dr and I discussed it on Wednesday and if I can’t sleep on these meds the next option is to change my antipsychotic back to Seroquel (the fat drug) and add a appetite suppressant, there is another drug option, I forget its name. I’m so sick of this, I want to be well enough to get through uni at a decent pace and establish some sort of paid career; I don’t want to be in a share house forever. (Oh good news, I got a new house mate and she’s lovely). Hopefully I’ll get more sleep this morning, maybe in a few hours I’ll doze off on the couch, or I might give bed another shot, right now I’m really wired.

Cancer Not so Gone

My dad’s Dr’s disagreed about whether or not the advanced part of his cancer had gone, since it didn’t show up in the MRI – so he got a second opinion from the urology guru of the Eastern suburbs, he agreed with the urology guru of the Western suburbs, and not the oncologist – who had the more positive view. This leaves my dad back with a 5-10 year life span; I guess I’d better pop out a kid soon so he can meet it. Sorry to those of you who have, or are losing loved ones through cancer, I’m sure the way I talk about it seems harsh; I do feel for my dad, but it’s complex when there’s abuse involved. If you’re the praying type, healing would be great, but a huge immediate need is stress, it’ll kill him before the cancer!

I’m not ok at the moment; circumstance, chemistry or both, I don’t know. I wish

I had a friend glued to my side for company and to stop me doing dumb things. 

Saturday Thoughts

Barbara’s funeral was on Thursday, it was a nice service, with a lot of people there – many of them very old. I cried all the way through and a bit more at the end, it felt right and good to get the tears out. As I was about to leave a lady approached me, put her hand on my back and said “I just really felt like I should talk to you, I wonder if you could be one of the people Barbara asked me to pray for”. I gave her my name and yes, there was some sort of connection between us, Barbara and hospital A (who banned me). She is part of a evangelical mental health support group and gave me her details in case I want to have coffee, it’s interesting because my friend and I were thinking of doing something similar at our church, it could be good to hear what they do.

In other news: insomnia sucks, I woke at 4 this morning, got up eventually and watched an episode of House, hoping it would make me tired, nope! I went back to bed at 7 and got up at 11, I don’t know how much sleep I got in-between. I haven’t been very well for a few days, I’m kind of faking wellness to my parents, I’m sure it’s the sleep trouble and grief. I had a genuinely good time last night playing board games with some friends and a semi stranger who is a bit less strange now. I didn’t win, but I only just came second in both games, so I feel quite satisfied.

I’ve started drawing a play, I’ve never started the process visually before, it’s proving interesting.