I'm Too Happy to Buy Bottled Death

I'm writing this mostly for myself so I can remember that good times are possible.

I got home from hospital on Thursday, my last two TMS treatments being on Wednesday, and I feel good, verging on great. I woke up this morning smiling because I'd slept a 10-hour night right through with no extra sedatives; do bear in mind though that I had my normal sedatives - Neulactil, Stilnox, Seroquel and Lorazepam. I had a rather freaky dream, but not of the scary kind, so I didn't wake up troubled. My housemates and I just went to Bunnings and walking down the chemical aisle I briefly thought "If I drink that I could kill myself" but I pushed it out of my head really fast, normally I'd be thinking about whether or not I should buy it to keep handy for a really bad day or series of days.

Right now I'm letting my brunch digest before I go to the gym for the first time in my life. My support worker was able to get me $7 casual sessions at a nearby(ish) gym. I'm terribly unfit at the moment and I want to be able to walk more than 10 minutes when I'm in the UK so I can explore places, especially Edinburgh, it's quite hilly and the best bits are high up. When I get back my doctor is going to try to get me off Seroquel so I can drop some weight - an impossible task when taking Seroquel; currently I'm 113.5 KG, size 20. Somehow the change from size 18 to 20 felt really traumatic, much more so than going from 16 to 18. I'd like to drop some weight before the trip but I really don't think that's realistic now with it being only 10 days away, but hopefully if I go to the gym every day or every second day my fitness will improve a bit.

That's all I've got to say for now.

Happy K signing off!

To Grandma, I'm Not Going to Run Down The Street Naked

I took these photos for my Grandma, who I think is under the belief I'm in a 1950s style nut house. I wasn't aware of this, but my Mother and Grandma are both concerned about a few days I'll have without Mum's presence in Edinburgh and a week in Manchester when Mum will be traversing Italy. Mum brought it up in a meeting the two of us had with my doctor on Wednesday night; thankfully he was on my side and said that I'm an adult quite capable of roaming around Edinburgh as I desire, he just encouraged me to answer people's text messages to assure them all's well - that I'll do so long as they're not every 20 minutes!

                                                A bed, not a trolley with straps to tie me down!

                                          Shelves, bench and desk - plus a hoard of towles

                                   Exit into the main hospital and my ensuite door on the right.

Some things I've made whilst here. I know the koala is very Australiana, but it's for my (other) Grandma and she'll love it. 

Ensuite, you may notice the lack of shower curtain; some people don't like that, but I always leave them open, so I'm quite happy to go without.

                                                             The rest of the bathroom.

I was unable to take photos of the dining room or the two tea/coffee spaces due to not really being allowed to take photos in here and there's the possibility of capturing other patients.

So as you may guess from the photos, I'm still in hospital and undergoing TMS, it has definitely worked a lot on my mood, but my anxiety is troubling me every afternoon and evening as my meds are wearing off. I take the next batch at 8pm. I don't know how often people come in for maintenance and for how long. I think it's monthly and for a few days, but it differs according to peoples' needs. I hope when I get back from the trip I can relax for a week or so at home before having to come in here for a top up, it may even be a full session since I will have gone eight weeks without any. I'm going home on Thursday, bringing my days at home for the year up to 21, it'll reach 33 if I make it to the trip without needing to come back. Then 6 weeks away!

K