Tuesday, January 31, 2012

An Article on TMS and ECT

An article my mum found, I know the source is awful, but I'm not in the habit of hiding my sources out of shame
With one in five Australians suffering from depression at some time in their lives, solving the problem has become an urgent and often overpowering demand.
Beryl Taylor and Linda Ballard have both had their lives upset by the crevice of depression.
"The world became a very lonely and isolated place," said Linda.
Sure modern anti-depressants have made a huge difference, but sometimes they are not enough to lift the black cloud and let in the light.
Trans-cranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) is the latest technique to ease the distress. It looks out of this world but it has dramatic effects.
It works by settling the neurotransmitters in the brain, which increase hormonal levels and ease depression.
Colleen Lo, psychiatrist at Sydney's Prince of Wales Hospital says that stimulation increases blood supply to underused parts of the brain.
"We place a powerful magnet onto the scalp and it stimulates the surface of the brain," Colleen said. "The increased blood supply reflects increased nerve activity. We think this might work in the circuits that modulate mood."
Linda Ballard is happy with the treatment.
"It just means I get my emotions back, I begin to feel things, good things and bad things, the colour comes back," Linda said.
"It's like you've been watching a black and white movie and you just focus it and the colour comes back and the picture becomes clear."
For someone who described life during the bouts of depression as dull and grey, feeling like this after using TMS is a giant leap for Linda Thompson.
"It's a very convenient treatment to have, your in the hospital for maybe 30 minutes and then you can walk out again, there's no anaesthetic," Linda said.
And that's just what people with moderate to severe depression like about TMS - no pain, lots of gain.
At 71-years-old, Beryl Thompson felt her antidepressants weren't helping the depression that had plagued her for 10 years, so she jumped at the chance of getting involved in the a trial for TMS.
Soon after the treatment Beryl was diagnosed with colon cancer. She believes without the TMS this news would have sent her into the depths of depression.
TMS is still in its infancy, but the early results are very positive. But one of the older forms of treatment, electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) is now also producing outstanding results.
It's enough to send shivers down our spine but the truth is modern ECT is both a safe and sophisticated affair when it's used in severe depression or in psychological illness. It improves well-being, it makes people feel better but more importantly ECT saves lives.
ECT treatments today involve no jarring movements, no shocks that rack the body. As Psychiatrist Phillip Mitchell describes, ECT has come a long way.
"It was a very old fashion type of ECT, it was unmodified, patients didn't have an anaesthetic, ECT has progressed a long way since then," Dr Mitchell said.
"Now we know the electrical dose that will work for the individual patient, the other advance is that it is a much safer procedure, we are monitoring the heart rate, monitoring the oxygen levels in the blood."
Sharon was so depressed she totally withdrew from life. She became catatonic, she'd tried everything from counselling to serious medication but nothing worked.
Finally ECT was suggested, she backed away because of the stigma attached but eventually out of sheer desperation Sharon tried it. Today her life has turned around and she now counsels people suffering depression.
While TMS and ECT aren't cures for depression they're certainly helping Australians.

TMS

The TMS assessment went well; the prof was very easy to talk to, he was familiar with my case – a relief to not have to tell my entire history – and we decided to go ahead with it. First we had to find the right dose; this is done by placing the coil on the head just behind the treatment area, as it is turned up the hand on the opposite side begins to twitch, when the twitching happens you’ve got your dose! I felt like I was moving it my-self, staying relaxed was hard. He then found the area on my head the coil needed to be for treatment and marked it with a lovely red marker and sent me away for 45 minutes until my appointment.

The treatment its self was a little uncomfortable, more so the set up than the procedure. The magnet is heavy and they have to get it in just the right place resting on your head with a stand to keep it in place, my head was on a weird angle (but on a nice chair) and I was wearing ear plugs whilst they were shouting instructions at me. I watched Cowboy Bebop whilst they fussed around me; and then the treatment started... Imagine someone poking you just above and behind the temple quite hard, and then an involuntary muscular movement going down your face and forehead a few times a second, well that’s what it is like but there’s no poke, it’s just the magnet doing its thing!

Anyway I feel fine, still not actually fine, but you know, my head isn’t about to blow up.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Russian Pillow

My temporary doctor just came in and had a lovely chat with me; she’s easy to get along with and I like that she takes notes in her head rather than having a file sitting between us. I think I prefer her to my normal doctor, but he has helped me so much and I really  can’t justify swapping, plus I don’t know if she’s taking new patients. One may think he hasn’t helped me that much if I’m sitting here, suicidal back where I was seven months ago, but I have come a long way, even with this regression taken into account.

I didn’t write today – not properly anyway – I spent the day in bed hugging my pillow and listening to Russian liturgical chants, they’re very relaxing, my new friend M put me onto them, I suggest you find some online if you need help relaxing or sleeping. It helps that I don’t have a clue what they’re saying so I’m not trying to analyse it. 

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Hole in my Heart

I feel that the quality of my writing is lacking, I’m in the middle of a short story for uni, and I’m struggling to write posts on here which are any more than just a journal entry. My journal entries may be a little different to most peoples, but they are nonetheless an account of what’s been happening to me and me alone. I wrote a little more of my story today despite it being my first day back in hospital, I suppose that’s something to be proud of. My admission went well, they already knew about Friday night’s incident, that didn’t prevent me having to retell it to my admitting nurse, my fill in doctor and my evening nurse. Today I hate everyone who loves me, because I want to die without leaving any pain behind. I think of my family, of R, K, C, L and other friends and feel guilty even though I haven’t done anything yet; my fill in doctor says that’s good, I just feel angry and want them to go away, but then I don’t want them to go because I love them.

Writing this actually made me cry, I can’t remember the last time I did that, I don’t do that!

Come visit me, I’m staying even if they don’t do TMS.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Daddy

So I took the valium and a few other things, not all of it, just enough to warrant a trip to ED and monitoring for six hours; as a result I'm going back to hospital in the morning (Sunday) instead of Monday. I feel really shit and to add to it my dad suggested that I took the pills to give my self a higher chance of having TMS, ummm no! I took them to escape for a while and it didn't work

Friday, January 27, 2012

Mac Valium Monday

This is the first post written from my lovely macbook pro which I got for my birthday in December, I've not used it much because I haven't been around 'real' internet connections long enough to install everything needed to make it go, eg - open office. I'm still using chrome as my web browser, so I guess I've still got a way to go before I leave PC land, well I've got a long way to go, this thing confuses me, I get lost and then I remember that mac's are easy and whatever I need should be in front of me and there it is!

Tonight has been pretty crappy in my head, I found my dad's valium stash – not that it was hidden, I just went looking for it and to my delight the box is full. I only have to behave until Monday morning when I'm readmitted, I don't know what to do until then though, everything's boring, I just want to die, it's tempting to take the valium and the drugs I have stashed so I can sleep until Monday, it wouldn't be a lethal dose, just a strong one.

I lost a kilo this week, it doesn't make up for the 500 I've gained over the last two years, but at least it's in the right direction, it was hard work and I have to keep it up for 30 more kilos, one lesson learned is that no matter how hot it is outside a milkshake is a poor substitute for coffee.

I'm going to take Rico for a walk now, there's no valium out there...

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Fear

The last few nights I’ve been gripped by an unreasonable fear, only at night and never about anything. I just feel scared.

I’m home now (well parents’ home) and I get to stay out of hospital until the 30th, not the 24th as previously thought. I’ve had my sleeping meds, it’s bed time.

Goodnight. 

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Last Night Drinks

I now have a different hair colour. My Dr walked in while I was in the middle of doing it, I had to tell him to come back, he came back only 15 minutes later so we had to chat in my room with the dye still in my hair. It was a good chat and resulted in my discharge being brought forward by one day. I’ll see him at 9 tomorrow morning and if all is well I’ll leave at 10! My new friend, M, and I are about to go out for last night drinks (read milkshake). I’m still apprehensive about going home, but I need to get out of here even if it is only for six days, that said if I feel then how I do now I won’t qualify for TMS and I’ll be free to go. I don’t have anything else to say except to complain about the weather like everyone else, my room is nice and cool.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Home Again (Soon)

It looks like Thursday will be home day, I’ll get to stay there for an entire five days before coming back for the TMS assessment; if they deem it appropriate for me I’ll be readmitted immediately - or so I’ve been led to believe. I’m very ready to get out of here, but not so ready to go home, church was a bit difficult tonight, I felt crowded in a half full building and the drive was awful I wanted to blow up the other cars on the road – thankfully I was only the passenger.

This admission still feels like it achieved little in a very long time, but I am experiencing fewer violent thoughts than when I arrived and my mood is generally better, plus I’m on fewer drugs. I think I made a friend! I don’t do too well at that usually so I’m kind of stoked! You meet great people in hospital, it sucks that you’re both sick, but you get each other like no one else can, and that is such a blessing. 

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

A Tiny Update

My TSM assessment was supposed to be today, I now have to wait about two weeks thanks to my Dr forgetting to give me some paperwork to fill in and the Prof in charge of TMS going on leave after today. I have to be discharged for eight days before coming back in for TMS (if I'm deemed right for it), so that should mean I have just under a week left in here before going home for those eight days, I can’t go home now because drugs are still changing and I’m not doing too well.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Regression

This admission feels like it’s going nowhere, but that’s not true. I’ve come off Lovan – the big hurdle – and a couple of other drugs, started a new drug and increased the dose of another one; I now await my TMS assessment, which should be on Tuesday. There was a family meeting tonight, hearing my Dr talking about me rather than to me felt uncomfortable, I don’t think he has high hopes for me, he thinks I might have to be happy with being bearably better, able to manage but not necessarily able to live the life I want; I’m probably twisting his words, but that’s what I heard... I think I’m back to where I was a few months ago, staying alive for the sake of others, not because I have anything I really want to live for. I need to find a reason to live, not just reasons to not die; I can’t even choose really shallow stuff like travel because I’m stuck on the disability pension and seriously doubt I could work, so no money for me! Even really ugly people seem to be able to get married and have a family, I’m not ugly, just fat and sick, but no one seems interested in me, let alone Mr Right. I lack serious talent, I’m not going to change the world – why the fuck am I here, and why do I have to feel so bad? Simple Christian answer is to bring glory to God – HOW!?