It’s been a while since I blogged, more
recent than August as the blog would imply, I deleted the last post for reasons
I don’t remember. My memory has been terribly affected by ECT; I’ve forgotten
people’s names, which has proved very embarrassing on a number of occasions and
I can’t remember most things I’ve done over the last few years, fine details
are especially difficult to recall. I have trouble making new memories even now
about two months after my maintenance treatments have stopped. I feel stupid, I
know I’m not, as my uni marks attest – I had another very good semester,
although I was only studying one subject.
I’ve had a few hospital admissions lately,
the last one ending only a week ago, that was only a four day admission for
observation. Apart from those four days and a couple before going in I’ve been
very well for the last six weeks. I’m off all medication except Largactil,
which I take only when I need it – that is about once a week. My psychiatrist
thinks medication has done me more harm than good, he’s quite surprised by the
result of taking me off it all and so am I. I haven’t been happy by any means
but I’ve been less suicidal, the temptation to self harm has been minimal and
I’m just generally okay.
A couple of months ago my house mates and I
received a letter from the real estate agent asking us to move out within 120
days, no reason was given. We had no bad inspections and always paid our rent
on time so I suspect the landlord just wanted the house back. I’m now living
with my parents again until I find somewhere else back in the East. I’m
grateful that I’m welcome at my parents house when I’m too sick to care for my
self or when I have nowhere else to go (or anytime really), but it’s hard
living here; I’m far away from nearly all of my friends and getting to church
takes 45 minutes. I missed a Christmas eve party and the 11pm Christmas eve
carols service thanks to the distance and not feeling like the drive. My good
friend R and her husband let me stay with them for a few days this week just to
have a rest from the chaos of my parents’ house and to be near friends and
church; it turned out that I didn’t catch up with any friends while I was there
but it was still a nice time. R came with me to inspect a Christian share house
on Saturday, the people were lovely but the house was too old for my liking. I
don’t think I’d feel comfortable there, It’s a shame because I’d love to live
with fellow Christians and I can’t seem to find anything through my church or a
couple of bigger ones whose message boards I’ve had a look at. I hope I find
somewhere suitable soon I really miss being close to everything.
(After a three hour break)
I just got back from L’s house, my first
visit to where she is now living. It was a great night, lovely to see her. I
need to start seeing friends more often and doing things in general. I get very
bored sitting at home all day, I’ve been filling my time by reading and
watching bad television. I’ve thought about getting a job since my health is so
much better but I think it’s a bit too soon into my wellness to be doing that,
more hospitalisations could be needed, after all I’ve only been out a week
since my little admission and it’s only been six weeks since I’ve been
generally well. I expect the good health to continue but it is still early
days. There’s also the location to consider; if I get a job near my parents for
convenience now and then move I’ll regret it and if I get one in the East and I
can’t find a house over there for a long time I’ve got a lot of driving on my
hands for a while. There’s also the risk that I’ll get accepted into a graduate
diploma in education and will have to quit the job or beg for flexible hours.
Oooo, I haven’t mentioned that yet… A few weeks ago I applied for that course,
I found a uni which has the 12 month course and offers drama as a
specialisation, I’ve applied to study part time, so it will actually take me
two years but that’s better than the four years it would take me to do the two
year course that seems to be everywhere else. Sadly I don’t think I’ll get into
the course because I had to put in a very late direct application rather than
going through VTAC. The uni offers places to VTAC applicants first and then if
there are any left they look to the direct applicants. Not only do I have the
lateness against me but my academic record from my undergrad is terrible, I was
lazy and sick and so it took me six years to do a three year course and most
semesters I was enrolled in four subjects, that means I failed or withdrew from
about half of them!
I don’t have anything else to write about,
well I can’t remember anything else to write about, there’s probably a lot I’ve
forgotten which people are probably surprised I haven’t shared. Oh well, I have
to cope with the poor memory and hope it gets better. If my Christian readers
could pray for that I’d be appreciative and also that I get into the course, I
really need something to fill my time and I think drama teaching would be a
good career choice for me it would provide a stable job and I’d get to be
creative, I’m good with youth too which is kind of necessary!
