Goodbye

This blog worries people too much, it was supposed to be an outlet for me and my (often) dark thoughts and feelings. I think it's time for it to come to an end. If anyone is concerned about me just ask and I'll be honest unless I don't think you really want the truth.

Goodbye.
K.

Shared Care

I made it through Monday night all by my self, but the same can't be said for yesterday. I cut my arm and took a reasonable sized overdose, sadly it wasn't enough for me to lose consciousness but it did sedate me and make the afternoon / night fly. I may have drifted off, but the nurses said nothing about it. I don't remember blood being taken, which apparently they did, so maybe I did drift off. Mum has forced me to stay with them for a couple of days until I'm back on my feet, probably a good idea since I'm not walking too straight or breathing very well.

I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon, he'd received a report from the hospital I went to detailing what I'd taken and my psych assessment; he's decided it's time for me to have a case manager, I'm not yet sure what this will involve, they were supposed to contact me this afternoon but haven't. But basically my psych wants my care to be shared between him, the case manager, my psychologist and my outreach worker, oh and he wants me to do DBT which I'm more than a little disappointed about, I thought we'd got past the borderline diagnosis. He's also decided to stop prescribing PRN medications (medications I take when I need them) since they're the ones I abuse, this will make life very tough when I do really need them and will in turn increase my self harm, not a wise move.

I am Woman Hear me Cry

I'm just hanging on at the moment, today has been a big one. I had my psychiatrist appointment at 10, he decided to keep me out of hospital if possible but I'm seeing him again on Wednesday - he's too expensive to see that often - and he's referred me to the women's mental health service because he suspects there's some hormonal shit going on. The women's mental health service actually looks good, I went to their website today to see what to expect; they are a team of two female psychiatrists who do a consult of an hour minimum and try to get to the bottom of why you have these problems and then write a big meaty letter back to your referring doctor offering suggestions, basically they're a specialised second opinion service. I got back from my appointment to find L packing, she's now back in hospital after a rapid decline in her own mental state in the last couple of weeks but especially in the last few days. I'm not so self centered that I think it's my fault, I just hope me being home from hospital hasn't put undue stress on her, I've only been out five days and now she's gone.

I don't know what to do with myself tonight, I want to behave and not worry people and leave my body alone but I have enough meds for an overdose and they are shouting my name. I also have sharps and the temptation is there to use them. I need more friends who I'm comfortable asking to come over and hang at a moments notice. If anyone wants to come over tonight you're very welcome we can watch a DVD and eat chocolate.

Rattle and Dice

Well here I am, awake at 6:43am. I actually woke at 4 something, tried getting back to sleep, tried Ulysses - I'm not actually reading that to force sleep, I want to read it - and now I'm drinking rooibos and vanilla tea and recovering from brushing Rico (the dog), I couldn't find the muzzle so it had to be done very carefully.

I'm seeing my doctor in a few hours and I don't expect him to be dancing around the room with joy upon hearing what I've got to say. My hobbies of the last few days have consisted of not sleeping, staring at walls, yelling at Rico, snapping at my mum and eating very little due to complete loss of appetite and feeling unwell. I was going to take a small overdose yesterday (it's all I have) but then mum called wanting to go out for lunch (Rico had mine). I went to church zoned out for most of it and then went across the road to Safeway to buy some sharps and dressings, then God showed up in the form of two of my closest friends (they're married to each other) from church. I bumped into them at the register and before I had time to hide the contents of my basket I'd been found out. They were gracious enough not to say anything there and instead invited me over for dinner; I accepted, it seemed like a better offer than going home and slicing up my arm, plus I like them. We hung out for a couple of hours, talked about my failed admission and they gently raised the razors issue. I should have agreed to leave them there, but I was in the mindset of needing just to have them in my possession. They prayed for me, God got lots of prayers about me yesterday because a bunch of people met up before church to pray for me too. I know it may seem like it doesn't work but I'd say bumping into those two last night was an answer to prayer for my safety and I'm yet to see the results of their prayers.

My friends drove me home because my vision had gone very blurry, once here I got ready for bed and intended to go straight there, the razors got in the way (sorry friends) I went a little overboard but nothing requiring stitches. I then got a few hours sleep and have now given up on the idea. If this continues I might teach myself Latin, I wouldn't know where to begin, but it would open up a whole literary world to me. I'm furious that I'm too dumb to read Ulysses (James Joyce's this is), well it's not that I'm too dumb, I just haven't had the right education. If my school English teacher were reading this she would say that I couldn't even get a firm grasp of English let alone Latin. My old school teaches it now, too late for me but I'm glad they saw the need for it.

I don't know what else to write, I seem to be angering people with my posts lately and I fear I've overlooked something with this one which will cause someone greif. I'm sorry but please remember what I've got to work with at the moment, a severely depressed, sleep deprived and hungry (although not feeling it, but I must be) body

Home

It's been a while since I last wrote, as a consequence for self harming in hospital the nurses kicked me out of my private room and made me share. I don't share well, I'm an intensely private person and I need to be in control of the noises surrounding me, this is impossible in a shared room especially when the room mate likes to watch TV, my second room mate (I moved twice) really felt the cold and had the heater on full constantly, that wasn't the worst part though, she used a heat pack because she was really really cold, she over heated the pack and it smelled strongly of soggy wheat. She was very nice and would have been good to share with if it wasn't for the smell and heat.

This is day two out of hospital and I've succeeded in freaking out my housemate/friend L by going out without telling her when I wasn't supposed to be driving at all until tomorrow. I'm used to having housemates who don't give a damn about me, not friends who'd actually care if I went missing so it didn't even cross my mind to leave a note or keep my phone with me. I don't like to be shackled to my phone, I'm not its slave, though sometimes it would be better if I was.

A bunch of people from my church met up before the service on Sunday to pray for me, both for my mental health and spiritual health and I think it's worked. I've been praying a lot more and feeling for people; I've also been a lot more emotional but I think that's the ECT's fault. I've cried at things that really aren't sad, smiled at things that previously wouldn't even turn my head and I find myself choked up several times a day at only slightly emotional things, it's refreshing to feel emotion on this level, but I hope it doesn't last, I don't want to be a big ball of emotion.

I was in hospital for 10 weeks and 1 day, I'm very glad to be out, but I feel a little lost...