Well, what to say... I've been out of hospital for exactly a week - well one week and 7 minutes if we're being specific. It's felt liberating, I can walk out the door without asking anyone, get in my car and go wherever I like; after three months' incarceration that's a big deal. It's been a hard week though, usually my household cook for each other, we each pick a night of the week at the start of each week and then cook for everyone on that night. After being catered for (not always badly I might add) for so long I haven't got myself past cooking some pasta with a jar of sauce or scrambling some eggs. S is keen to reinitiate the group cooking, so hopefully we can convince the other two; there's just no motivation for me to cook a more complicated, nutritious meal when it's just me eating.
I'm probably going back into the hospital on Monday for two weeks - it better not be any longer. I've been a bit of a mess and DR thinks it's time to increase my Parnate dose, this was always coming because I'm actually not on the treatment dose, they say that's between 30mg & 40mg, I'm on 20mg right now. I performed some self-harm yesterday and the day before, I'd lasted a few days without doing so because I had no razor blades left and I'd never use a kitchen knife, in the end the urge got ridiculous so I went out and bought a knife, I now know razor blades are better - sharper. So this pretty blunt knife has left me with decorated thigh and wrist but no damage. I already had an appointment with my GP booked before I did this, but when I told her she was furious, I've never seen her like that before; usually she's understanding and tries to comfort me, this time she was saying that it's a poor use of her time to be stitching me up for something I've done to myself and she could be seeing other patients or talking me through things and actually trying to make some progress rather than being in the theatre stitching me up. I'm lucky I didn't need any this time - that knife isn't capable of cutting that deep. She still wants to be my GP, asked to see me for a double appointment next week if I'm not in the clinic; maybe she was just trying a different method - scaring me!
I had an experience yesterday whilst walking where I felt like my body had produced another and was walking behind me, so my mind was in the front body but all of my energy and my coordination was in the other body walking behind me. I made it to my car and the two merged back into one, I didn't feel right for the rest of the day. Today I feel teary and like spending the day curled up reading Harry Potter and not leaving the house would be good. I have a lunch date though, this is a good thing, it's someone I want to see and it'll get me out of the house.
