I don’t feel like writing this blog anymore, that’s not to say I will stop, I just haven’t felt the inclination; I haven’t felt the inclination to do anything, though.
I am currently in hospital for admission number 10, I’m bored, I was doing really well but then my new med stopped working so well, then yesterday I learned of the suicide of my friend Barbara – you’ll know her as B or Babz, she was the last person to comment on this blog, and probably the one who has the most. Barbara had severe borderline personality disorder with a few extras thrown in. We stopped seeing each other in person because I felt she was a bad influence on me, I could see this coming so didn’t want to be too close to her, that was in March (we had a couple of visits since then). I now regret that decision, she needed more friends, I need more friends – we could have been the solution to each others’ problem, or maybe things would be exactly the same but now I’d be much more upset.
Barbara was extremely smart, kind and considerate, and fighting a very hard battle, a weaker soul would have lost it many years ago. I’ve experienced just a taste of what she’s been through and I’m impressed she could get out of the house, let alone attempt normal life activities. She was strong and I will miss her even though our relationship was mostly online.
I was supposed to see my Dr 45 minutes ago to find out when I’m leaving in light of the Barbara situation and drug problems; it was supposed to be tomorrow, but I don’t think so! I’m thinking of coming off Lovan (antidepressant) and staying on Abilify (new antidepressant and other things too) because the combination is a great way to turn you into an insomniac and Lovan is supposedly bad for me anyway.
I’ll try and write again soon.
K
Again, I'm so sorry to hear about Barbara; I had not realised she was the "B" writing comments on your blog.
ReplyDeleteYou are still fighting a hard battle, K, but you are much stronger and more focused than you used to be, and I feel like in the last couple of months you have really seemed like you want to get better, where before it seemed that you weren't really sure.
You are still holding on tenaciously, and God is holding on to you even more tightly. One day you will be able to say the sentence, "it took me __x__ months to go from rock bottom to complete wellness. That was ___x___ years ago." I really believe that that will be a great day!
Thinking of you and praying for you and Barbara's family.
K
Not sure how much this will help, but if you haven't discovered this community before, they may help... http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/m0eb3/how_many_redditors_are_dealing_with_depression/
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