106 days out of hospital, the longest I've lasted since this whole debacle started about six years ago. Well, 106 days out of psych hospitals I should say. I've had two ED admissions; one of 24 hours a few weeks ago and I came out yesterday after about 31 hours. Both times I took an overdose, this time it was a lot more and I mixed it with another medication. In short, I ended up in ICU, unconscious and intubated. My throat and chest hurt from the intubation and I have a large bruise on my chest from where they did a sternal rub on me. I was a little worried about my liver as I turned jaundice for a while, but it seems to be okay now. I've got a room at the clinic tomorrow; I don't know what awaits me there. I didn't see any of this coming, I thought my at-home stint would last a lot longer.
I don't usually tell my Mum when things like this happen, but since I was unconscious they called her as my next of kin. She was unimpressed, but I wasn't planning on her finding out. I know it seems selfish to do something like this to myself, something that would obviously upset any mother, but I'm really not in control when it happens. I called my DR beforehand and he told me to take a PRN, I took the strongest safe combination I have, it would usually put me to sleep, or close enough, and then I'd wake up two hours later feeling much better. It did nothing at all this time. The stockpile was calling my name and I listened. I had what I thought would be enough (Seroquel 60 100mg tablets - 6 grams and 7 Stilnox) to get a few hours of being unconscious, but it seems I came a little closer to death than expected. I can't even say I won't do it again. It feels bad every time, and when my Mum does find out she gets so panicked, somehow that's not enough to deter me. At least now I know that if 6g can do that the 38g I have left can finish the job if I just stay away from hospitals. I'm not planning on doing that any time soon, it's just a safety net.
