As most of you have probably seen me
whinging about on Facebook I had surgery on my wrist last Monday and I’ve
reached the end of my tolerance for the pain. Not only am I sick of it but it’s
become worse over the last few days resulting in me going to the GP I don’t
like to get some stronger pain relief. He gave me Tramadol and it’s only taking
the edge off. I know it’s a ridiculous over-reaction but I’ve been increasingly
suicidal, not directly as a way to escape the pain – I know that will be
temporary – but out of anger, frustration and boredom. Boredom because I can’t
go anywhere without someone else driving me, anger at the pain and frustration
at not being able to use my right hand. It feels like it will never come to an
end. I’m spending 14 hours a day in bed because it hurts less when I’m still
with my hand resting on a pillow and I can just read and listen to music when
I’m not asleep. When I’m up I’ve got to try to distract myself from the pain
and from the horrible thoughts the pain is bringing up. I haven’t called my psychiatrist
because I can’t go to see him until I can drive and I can’t go into hospital
because I need to see the surgeon on Tuesday and don’t want to risk missing
that.
Today is my second day in pyjamas sitting
in front of my laptop; I can’t see the point of getting dressed. Two friends
took me out last week; one lives locally, the other more local than most of my
friends but still a bit of a drive. I’m grateful to both of them but I’m
feeling very isolated and I wish more or my friends were able or willing to
come. I’m always aware that one of BPD’s symptoms is manipulation and I worry
when I say things like that I’m being manipulative, but I don’t think asserting
a need is manipulative. So there it is, please visit me.
