This is the first time I’ve written since
November, and as usual I’m writing from hospital. The most exciting thing to
have happened since my last post is that I moved house again. I’m now living
with four people, two from my church and two from a church that everyone seems
to know someone from. I love the house; there’s always someone home at night,
we cook for each other and there’s just a general sense of kindness and care. I
wasn’t doing well at the old house; I was alone too much and had no motivation
to cook for myself. I resorted to eating very little and when my stomach hurt
using those powdered shakes to line my stomach. Being in hospital again has
nothing to do with my living arrangements, I really couldn’t be happier there.
I was in here for six weeks recently with
the plan of getting me off Lithium. My doctor decided to do it as an inpatient
because he knows how sensitive I am to medication changes. He halved my dose
and for a while it seemed to be going well, but then I became very depressed
and agitated. It improved very quickly once the dose was increased again. My
mood was still too low to send me home though so I had a round of ECT. I have
no fear of ECT and I like the feeling of the anesthetic kicking in so there’s a
kind of good side to it. It works very well for me and two days after the
course ended I was sent home feeling great.
The positive feeling persisted for two
weeks and then I started planning my suicide, a method I have access to and so
could do very easily. I sat with the feeling for two days and then called my
doctor. As usual there’s some protective element inside me because rather than
follow through with it I called him, he suggested taking some Seroquel and
having an early night and that we’d speak the following day. The following day
came and I was more bent on dying and very reluctant to go into hospital, but
he insisted. I only have accompanied leave, so I feel caged up. I’ve been here
since Saturday and I’ve had my Mum visit on Tuesday and my outreach worker
today, so that’s twice I’ve been outside in almost a week. Two friends might
come tonight and another on Sunday.
I’m very disappointed in myself for being
here this time. I was only home for two and a half weeks between admissions and
I feel like I’m letting the household down because I’m not there to do my share
of the cooking and shopping, but they’re a good bunch and I know they’re not
going to resent me for being sick. I would like to explain to them what it’s
like for me, that even though I can appear completely fine I can be in great turmoil.
I’d like to have the kind of relationship with all of them where I can honestly
talk about all this shit. I don’t even have that with my Mum. I wasn’t raised
in a very emotionally open environment. I suppose when your husband is a nasty
alcoholic you’re trained to answer “fine thanks” each time you’re asked how you
are. I would have picked up on that.
I decided this afternoon that I was going to
stop eating as a form of self-harm and control, it’s easy to feel like others
have power over you in here. God is good. I decided this in art therapy and
when I got back I had a message from a friend asking me to dinner tonight. I’m
not going to go out for dinner with someone and not eat. So I’ll start that
tomorrow if I still feel that way, it may be that I’ve changed my mind by then.
