Awake

Guess who's out of hospital. Me!
My doctor wanted me to stay with my parents for a couple of days, so here I am in the West. It's very inconvenient because I'm interviewing people to fill the remaining spare room in my house. I wish I could turn back time and do whatever I could to keep my two previous housemates, my new one is great, very laid back and easy to get along with but it's proving difficult to fill the remaining room, I've even had a couple of fraudsters from overseas saying they'll take it and asking for addresses to send cheques to, I don't know what they'd do after that but I guess it's some means of getting bank account details. I've got the room paid for until the 15th of August, after that I'm totally screwed.

I'm having my first maintenance ECT on Friday, I'm actually looking forward to it - sick I know, but I love the feeling of the anaesthetic taking effect, I can empathise with Michael Jackson's addiction, though I don't think 10 minutes a week is going to develop into a full addiction...

This is the latest I've been up in months, being out of hospital has produced difficulty sleeping, last night was a fairly late one too, nothing like this though (it's currently 1:46am) I'm currently listening to the cats playing and wondering what else I can write about - uni! that'll do. I missed class last week due to my hospitalisation, I'll make it this week but I'm very behind and it's only week three. We're supposed to hand in a script idea this week, I've got nothing and I need at least a distinction average so I can later switch into research. 2:08am

I've been thinking lately that I'd really like a new boyfriend, someone to share this shit with, someone to create new non-shit memories with and generally share life. I'm sick of being alone. I hope I don't have to wait until I've lost my 30kg of drug weight before someone will look at me twice. I've learnt a lot in the last few years of singleness and looked back on my previous relationship and seen many of the mistakes I made. I think I could make a good girlfriend now. 2:19am

Right now I can't sleep and I feel frustrated and hopeless, I want to take every pill in this house, which is a lot, and includes cancer drugs but I'm being a good girl and abstaining from anything that will send me back to hospital (or the grave)

Sorry for an unexciting post, I just felt like writing. 2:34am

Fright

I know I said I wasn't posting anymore but I feel like I have no outlet without the blog. My parents now know about it thanks to a friend telling my mum, she had my best interests at heart though. So because my parents know about it you can expect me to be a little less candid, I've never been very open with them and I'm not about to start now.

I'm back in hospital having more ECT, this time I'll be having maintenance which means that once a week to once a fortnight I'll go to the hospital for one session, it will be done as an outpatient so I don't have to stay over once a week or anything.

I'm having a tough time at the moment, both of my housemates decided to move out, my overdose is at least partly responsible, I scared them off. No one wants to come home to a corpse and I think that's what concerns them. So basically I totally fucked up by taking that last overdose. I don't think I'll take another one for the purpose of being unconscious. There are other reasons to do it, but I don't feel that way at the moment. Because of this situation I'm pretty depressed and I have the classic borderline hollowness, it's like being filled with air with nails floating around inside you and occasionally one of those nails pierces an organ or bangs into the abdominal wall causing a sharp pain. There is not one positive emotion in me, I suppose I have to take ownership of the borderline label since I embody it. I can't get in to DBT until January so I'm stuck being a crazy borderline until then.

If you can please visit me, we can go down the street to a nice cafe, it doesn't need to be a boring hospital visit. I get pretty lonely, there's one girl who talks to me in passing and L is there but she wants some space. So visitors would be grand.