Science and Incense

I understand there was another minor self harm incident this week? How’s the leg? I want you to give me daily one to ten’s on: visual disturbance-self harm; suicidal urges; self harm urges; mood; sleep; general anxiety; and concentration, please.  I see from the nurses’ report that you had a good day yesterday, no, I see. That’s just the depression making you stay in your pyjamas for the whole day and two nights, that’ll get worse next week as you come closer to being Lovan free; the anxiety and OCD will probably worsen too. So, to sum up your medications: we’ve taken you off three and now you’re only on four main psychiatric drugs. My hypothesis may be wrong and we do need you on an SSRI, but that’s when we’ll start looking at TMS, actually I’ll arrange an assessment for you for next Tuesday, these things take time.

Shopping List For You For Me

Flowers

Ice cream with some chocolate percentage

Easy old cheapo computer games

Something to decorate my room (F, I still have yours)

Incense with burner and candle and lighter, or a scented candle will do, I suppose!

You to decorate my room (between the hours of 4pm and 8pm mon to fri or 10am to 8pm sat and sun)

Panadol brand paracetamol – they give us the crappy stuff here and it’s harder than anything else I have to swallow

Anything else nice and lovely to cheer me up – I love presents if you can’t tell

Water

I overdid it a little today, I did the second half of my Christmas shopping and wrapping, plus a few other bits and pieces, in two two hour stints, (I only get two hours leave at a time) followed by a two hour visit with my parents and Rico. This was followed by a very violent night in my head, sadly it didn’t stay there – most of it did I’m very proud to say but a tiny bit got through, the nurses were very helpful and my Dr did a phone order for some extra meds for the night. He wants me to limit my activity for tomorrow, which will be difficult since the day is already full, my night is free so I’ll just argue that I’m doing less than I did today!

I haven’t watched Rage in ages, I think it will be entertaining me tonight for many hours, I’ve had every sedative I’m allowed and I’m still wired, ooo The Panda Band, I haven’t heard from them in years. This is definitely a good time for Rage, Josh Pyke now. Enough about music! My friend R lent me lots of things to keep me entertained and spiritually nourished whilst in here, one of which was a prayer book belonging to her great Aunt, I had a look at it tonight and it seems quite ummm nourishing, she’s bringing me children’s DVDs tomorrow because I can’t focus on adult ones, I love R

Have a Day in my Head

I made it to church on Sunday and am glad I went; I realised I possibly look forward to the coming of Christ more than many others, it means being in the glory of God, but also away from all this shit, we sung a few songs re: let your kingdom come etc and I couldn’t help but think, or just let me die. Is it bad to leave church more suicidal than when you got there?! My report for today is that things are bad and getting worse, my mood is low, but has been lower, the distressing thing is the return of the violent images and compulsion to act on them, this is where being in hospital is important, if I self hard in here I get sectioned and sent to the nearest public hospital with a psych ward, in this case that would be a bad bad thing, also depending on what I did and his own attitude I may get Dr dumped again, no thanks!

I got some writing done yesterday, very little, but some all the same. I moved rooms too, I still don’t have a single room, but I have a double to myself, they’re not expecting anyone in until after Christmas, so it’s mine. Daddy, Rico and I went out for lunch yesterday and R came to visit today, I’m feeling less lonely than last time.

I’m tired now, bed time.

Hospital Admission Number Unicorn

This admission could be seven weeks! I’ve got three weeks to get Lovan (and others) out of me and then I’m probably doing rT.M.S (repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation), which is a four week inpatient commitment. I’ve given you a link to some info about it; it’s the best I could find that wasn’t overly academic or Wikipedia! I have an annoying roommate at the moment, she sleeps with the TV on and leaves it on all day while she sleeps too, it’s okay though because over the weekend I’m getting a private room, that’ll be a first for me in this hospital. I only got my laptop power cable back from testing this morning and I’ve got my phone up and running as a modem, I’m hoping I can now get some writing done before the withdrawals really start to hit and that the single room will help me to do that, I can’t think with this TV blaring at me.

Come visit me, it gets so lonely here, I can’t write the hospital location on the blog, but facebook or SMS me and I’ll tell you.

Back Again Back Again

After the last two posts it feels wrong to come back saying I’m ill again a little quote “I don’t know how to move on from being acutely sick” – well it seems the answer is, don’t. I got a urgent appointment with my Dr, I’ll see him tomorrow and ask to come off all my meds and try TMS or even ECT, they both work for anxiety as well as depression and it is currently taking seven drugs to poorly control my condition. TMS will mean a 4 week admission plus one weekend a month forever, ECT means 2 to 3 weeks plus a bit of maintenance when I need it, but I’m no Dr and can’t prescribe myself a course of either therapy. I think he’ll want to play around with drugs more, but I’m sick of it and so is my body.

I’m spending the week at my parents’ being looked after, it’s good because I don’t have to do anything but bad for the same reason. At home at least I’d have nice places to walk Rico (he’s with me) and I could go out with friends for coffee, I only have two friends out this way and they work full time, plus I haven’t showered in days and the thought of doing so makes me want to cry, so I don’t think a catch up is really on the cards, actually I have to shower before my outreach worker comes in the morning, it’s something she chases me up about... I would like to die peacefully in my sleep tonight – that is not a suicide threat, just how I feel.

Daddy

My mum says dad hardly drinks to the point of drunkenness anymore, yet every time I come home there he is blind drunk. I don’t know if she lies or if he happens to drink more when I’m around, either way, it’s annoying. He’s not as unpredictable now as in his younger days when you could expect to be hiding from him, listening to your latest offensive name, arguing – or rather trying to stop the arguments and dodging flying crockery. These days he’s confused, tired and mean, but not violent. Last year I got a consolation birthday present because he was drunk on my birthday – a nice pearl necklace, he’s always apologised with presents and money, I’m a bit old for it now but it’s his language. At the moment he’s talking nonsense to my brother.

It's My Party And I'll Eat if I Want to

I had a little birthday gathering today, it was poorly attended, as have all my parties been since birth (except my 21^st which was held very early) due to end of year celebrations, Christmas parties and family gatherings clashing. Still, with over three quarters of my guests missing and the weather being a tad on the cold side I had a nice day. I’m missing church as I write, I had a nap and overslept...

I haven’t written for a while, that’s because I don’t want to bore you with “The Adventures of Rico and K The tale of how a mentally ill girl and her anxious dog navigate life” It would include walks, window frame scratching, rolling in dead birds and both characters sleeping far too much. I still don’t have much to say, but thought I’d record my party. I started taking Seroquel again, it’s already putting weight on me and making me lethargic, my choice is taking an appetite suppressant or stopping the drug; stopping would be annoying because it has lifted my mood further and decreased my anxiety, in my brain I think I’m quite normal with this concoction of drugs (Lovan; Abilify; Epilim; Seroquel; Circadin; and Imovane) but it may be that my body isn’t so happy with it.

It’s an odd experience being well (enough), I don’t want to kill myself anymore, I don’t want to hurt myself anymore, the very thought of doing so scares me. I want to drop this drug weight so I have more energy to physically do things, I want to look like I did a few years ago so I’m not completely repulsive to men; I want a boyfriend so much, I hate being single but there’s a shortage of eligible Christian men, let alone good ones. Sometimes I want M back, it wouldn’t work (and he wouldn’t have me) but I miss the feeling of love, it’s weird, I felt it even though he said he stopped loving me two years before the relationship ended. Maybe what I felt and miss was my own love for him. I gather if you love God as much as you should you’d have a similar feeling, kind of safe and warm, but I’m still getting there. I don’t know how to move on from being acutely sick, I can’t do much with the lethargy, and my anxiety still peaks under pressure, but I fear I might get bored and self sabotage again if left where I am. Next semester I’ll pick up another uni subject, that should help, one online subject isn’t much to keep me occupied, two on campus should help my dilemma. I’ve volunteered my services to Mind Australia to be the person I wish I had in the depths of my illness to someone else – a person to say it doesn’t go on forever and with patience you can come out the other side. I just hope I stay on this side; there are many middle aged and elderly people in the hospitals, apparently you don’t stay well forever either (I might not tell the people I work with that bit).

The Sleeping Giant and The Restless Girl

Circadin; Mogadon; Imovane; these should make a giant sleep through the night. Not me! I thought it was getting better, instead it’s 4:45am and I’ve already had breakfast and a pretty amazing hot chocolate, watched an episode or two of The Simpsons, and read a few news articles. I had three good nights and thought maybe we’d cracked it, this could mean a big medication change, Dr and I discussed it on Wednesday and if I can’t sleep on these meds the next option is to change my antipsychotic back to Seroquel (the fat drug) and add a appetite suppressant, there is another drug option, I forget its name. I’m so sick of this, I want to be well enough to get through uni at a decent pace and establish some sort of paid career; I don’t want to be in a share house forever. (Oh good news, I got a new house mate and she’s lovely). Hopefully I’ll get more sleep this morning, maybe in a few hours I’ll doze off on the couch, or I might give bed another shot, right now I’m really wired.

Cancer Not so Gone

My dad’s Dr’s disagreed about whether or not the advanced part of his cancer had gone, since it didn’t show up in the MRI – so he got a second opinion from the urology guru of the Eastern suburbs, he agreed with the urology guru of the Western suburbs, and not the oncologist – who had the more positive view. This leaves my dad back with a 5-10 year life span; I guess I’d better pop out a kid soon so he can meet it. Sorry to those of you who have, or are losing loved ones through cancer, I’m sure the way I talk about it seems harsh; I do feel for my dad, but it’s complex when there’s abuse involved. If you’re the praying type, healing would be great, but a huge immediate need is stress, it’ll kill him before the cancer!

I’m not ok at the moment; circumstance, chemistry or both, I don’t know. I wish

I had a friend glued to my side for company and to stop me doing dumb things. 

Saturday Thoughts

Barbara’s funeral was on Thursday, it was a nice service, with a lot of people there – many of them very old. I cried all the way through and a bit more at the end, it felt right and good to get the tears out. As I was about to leave a lady approached me, put her hand on my back and said “I just really felt like I should talk to you, I wonder if you could be one of the people Barbara asked me to pray for”. I gave her my name and yes, there was some sort of connection between us, Barbara and hospital A (who banned me). She is part of a evangelical mental health support group and gave me her details in case I want to have coffee, it’s interesting because my friend and I were thinking of doing something similar at our church, it could be good to hear what they do.

In other news: insomnia sucks, I woke at 4 this morning, got up eventually and watched an episode of House, hoping it would make me tired, nope! I went back to bed at 7 and got up at 11, I don’t know how much sleep I got in-between. I haven’t been very well for a few days, I’m kind of faking wellness to my parents, I’m sure it’s the sleep trouble and grief. I had a genuinely good time last night playing board games with some friends and a semi stranger who is a bit less strange now. I didn’t win, but I only just came second in both games, so I feel quite satisfied.

I’ve started drawing a play, I’ve never started the process visually before, it’s proving interesting.

Death and Hormones

Barbara’s death is slowly hitting me, people are posting photos and videos of her on facebook, that’s hard, but I look at them because I imagine her account will eventually be closed and I may never see her image again.

I’m not well today, and I can’t tell my mum who is just in the next room, because I really want to go home on Wednesday. I love having my own space, and I think how I feel is partly hormonal, even on the pill, the few days on the sugar tablets are bad; that combined with the Lovan reduction isn’t going to be helping me.

I want to start a small theatre company, it’s been my dream since I was 14 and I’m now giving it some serious thought. I write well, I act well and I direct very well; I just need a bunch of other people to join me and probably money etc.

So I do and don't have BPD. Here's a Video.

You can watch it here:
http://vimeo.com/14791869

Borderline Personality Disorder http://vimeo.com/14791869 About this video: "Created by: Ofir Sasson, 2010"

The Battle is Over

I don’t feel like writing this blog anymore, that’s not to say I will stop, I just haven’t felt the inclination; I haven’t felt the inclination to do anything, though.

I am currently in hospital for admission number 10, I’m bored, I was doing really well but then my new med stopped working so well, then yesterday I learned of the suicide of my friend Barbara – you’ll know her as B or Babz, she was the last person to comment on this blog, and probably the one who has the most. Barbara had severe borderline personality disorder with a few extras thrown in. We stopped seeing each other in person because I felt she was a bad influence on me, I could see this coming so didn’t want to be too close to her, that was in March (we had a couple of visits since then). I now regret that decision, she needed more friends, I need more friends – we could have been the solution to each others’ problem, or maybe things would be exactly the same but now I’d be much more upset.

Barbara was extremely smart, kind and considerate, and fighting a very hard battle, a weaker soul would have lost it many years ago. I’ve experienced just a taste of what she’s been through and I’m impressed she could get out of the house, let alone attempt normal life activities. She was strong and I will miss her even though our relationship was mostly online.

I was supposed to see my Dr 45 minutes ago to find out when I’m leaving in light of the Barbara situation and drug problems; it was supposed to be tomorrow, but I don’t think so! I’m thinking of coming off Lovan (antidepressant) and staying on Abilify (new antidepressant and other things too) because the combination is a great way to turn you into an insomniac and Lovan is supposedly bad for me anyway.

I’ll try and write again soon.

K

Too Many Pets

I had the best dream last night; Rico, although he’s sterilised had a puppy, we never saw the mother, but it was his puppy. My brother came to visit me in hospital and brought heaps of stuff like he was running away, little of it was in suitcases, just mounds. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something in this mountainous pile move; I went over to inspect and found a very very young kitten, it was identical to my parents (also de-sexed) cat, Fiz (I bought her, I didn’t name her), I held the little thing in my hand, one hand was ample size and then I saw more movement. It appeared Fiz had had a huge litter and like any wise mother of 20 decided to abandon them in my brother’s clothes, but not without providing food, for there were many, many mice in there too and just to add to the fun a single guinea pig and Rico’s puppy. Rico had clearly not mated with a fellow cocker spaniel, but it was a cute and happy thing just like him.

That’s the mildest and most fuzzy dream I’ve had in ages, I probably had it because I really miss Rico and I found out yesterday that I’m going to be away from him longer than expected... I’m being transferred to the hospital my last admission was in so they can supervise my Abilify increase, and also keep an eye on some colourful thoughts

I’ve been having. I hope it’s not a long admission.

Not The End

I suppose someday my readers will stumble upon this whilst deleting their browsing history, and they will wonder “what the hell is onereclusivegirl?” and then they will see the labels on the right and remember this blog belonged to a depressed, anxious, borderline, OCD, slightly psychotic, whoops not borderline anymore, girl. She wrote here instead of letting the thoughts eat her alive.

Facebook no longer provides a means to post anything (a link for example) without excluding others from seeing it. I can’t risk my family, or future employers getting their hands on this blog. There will be no more facebook posts, but if you bookmark this you might get a new post here from time to time.

A little update,

I’m on a new drug, Abilify, so far it’s making me nauseous and has caused some visual disturbances. This OCD course isn’t quite right for me, but I am learning. None of my friends live around here, but a SMS or phone call would have been lovely, I’ve had one friend visitor and my parents and dog. It was like this last time too, I just feel out of sight out of mind when in hospital – and a lot of other times if I’m honest. My phone just beeped, the SMS tone and the battery full tone are the same, I just got excited over a full battery... Forgive me while I go and cry in a corner now.

Day Four of Visit Nine

Today I touched some dirty things and then ate a biscuit without washing my hands first. I didn’t like it.

This hospital is reasonably nice, private room and bathroom, it’s comfortable. The dining room is being renovated, so our meals are brought up to the ward, this means cold toast in the morning! Visitors are welcome, the hours are limited, but we can make it work.

I withdrew from my uni subject a few days ago, I feel like my creative ability has been stolen and there’s no way I can write a full length (good) play at the moment.

Could someone let me know if the facebook status “new post” I leave about this blog shows up on the ticker? I can’t post the link anymore because I’m afraid anyone can see it in the ticker, but if I don’t post the link people will stop coming.

Admission # 9

On Sunday I went for an interview at the hospital running the OCD program, I was told that I might get in the one starting at the end of October, but definitely the December one failing that. Then yesterday I got a call saying “We’ve had someone pull out of the next group, can you come in on Saturday!” So with little time to prepare myself for it I’m off to hospital for my 9^th admission. This time is different, it’s not a crisis admission, but rather a course to teach me (and 7 others) CBT skills for eight hours a day. I don’t really feel like my OCD is bad enough to be doing this program, Lovan takes care of it very well, and I wonder if I should have come off it before the admission so they can see me at my worst. Then I can learn skills to help with the worst, but maybe it will be easier to learn if I’m not distressed. Rico has been amazing lately, the drugs and routine have worked well, I can now leave him inside when I go out without worrying, he doesn’t pound on the window as I walk away and he isn’t so enthusiastic when I get home that he could knock me over. I hope the two week holiday at my parents’ doesn’t send him back to square one.

Word Stew

My vision has returned enough to be going on with daily life, but I still have to strain to see up close, and I have to rest my eyes frequently. I’m now completely off Zeldox and Cogentin, so far it doesn’t seem like I’ll need a replacement, I’m actually fine! I wonder if I might be coming to the end of all this, the prospect scares me, because if I’m well then it means I’ve got no excuse not to be working and studying hard. I worked two days this week and I was watching the clock from the moment I arrived, I need work I find interesting and challenging but I won’t find it unless I keep doing well at uni, which I won’t finish for another 7.5 years if my study load doesn’t increase. I’m already thinking of dropping my one and only subject for this semester, the eye thing set me back two weeks, I have no creative energy and deadlines are flying by...

A Little Catch up

I haven’t posted for a while because the new medication gave me very blurred near vision, it’s slowly improving since I stopped taking it, I can see well enough to type now, but it hurts to focus on anything close for too long (long being a few seconds). I haven’t done any uni work because I can’t read and I’m getting behind which is giving me more stress than I need when I have a drug change coming up – since the drug to treat the side effects gave me worse side effects, that means I have to come off the first one too. The drug I have to come off is the anti-psychotic, it has been the one getting rid of the graphic violent urges, just reducing the dose isn’t an option because I feel like I need a higher dose to maintain where I am now, now is far from perfect, but still quite good.

On Monday and Tuesday of next week I will be working for the first time in 22 months! I agreed a while ago to be the emergency barista for a not so local cafe. I was offered  a proper job but with my health so up and down I’d make a very unreliable employee – plus I have no desire to work in hospitality; as much as I love sending out a great coffee, it is just coffee and I’m terrible with customers. I hope this will be a coffee only arrangement and I don’t have to talk to people, also that I don’t have to carry the coffees out, my hands are so shaky – I probably should have mentioned that before accepting the shifts. I have five days to change my mind, this feels like a really bad idea, they’re 7 hour shifts, that’s long when you’re only just dipping your toe back in the water, but maybe being out there doing stuff will be good for me.

Benzlakinjordhadinturpproptropine

I’m starting a new drug tonight for the tremors, I don’t know anything about it because it wasn’t discussed in the consult last week, and I can’t find much useful information in this wonderful web. Here’s to more side effects; oh I hope not.

Black Dog

I got home today to find Rico with his head stuck in the fence, he’d worked a panel loose and got his head between it and the support beam, the nail was resting on top of his head. My neighbour had to break more of the fence so we could get him out; he was well and truly stuck. I’d been meaning to take Rico to the vet for his separation anxiety and vaccinations for a while, but I kept putting it off, today we got there! Rico and I are now on one of the same drugs – Lovan, and he’s on Xanax, a sedative I had a few years ago, quite an effective one actually... We have lots of behaviour modification work to do, but hopefully today is the beginning of the end of home destruction and sad lonely doggy. I must thank K - a vet friend - today should have destroyed my wallet, but it didn’t.

Insomnia is back with all its might, going off the Stilnox was a bad idea, I’m back on it now but it’s not working. I’ve never fainted, but I think I came very close this evening while walking Rico, not from the exercise - I’m not that unfit - but from the movement, and my inability to bring things into focus. I have the same problem when driving, and it’s why I haven’t been doing much of it lately, every time I look anywhere but ahead I’m in trouble. Hopefully I sleep a bit tonight so I can write well tomorrow, I can’t go to art due to the hole in the fence and dog escaping issue, so getting some script done is a good idea.

Waste

The man with the energy vacuum has been to visit, he took everything and I have to go out soon, I can hardly walk from the lounge to the kitchen! I love the clarity in my mind at the moment, it’s what I imagine most people have going on in there, but the amount of drugs it takes to keep me there is really quite high. Some of the side effects are getting too much to handle, and I worry that I’ll need to come off or reduce some drugs, there ending my brief encounter with sanity. In October I’m doing a two week inpatient CBT program, which if successful will mean I can start coming down on the antidepressants, which should mean I won’t need the others. There are a lot of maybes, but at least there’s a plan. I fear losing what I have now because in the bad times I can’t remember that this is possible. I hope these more positive posts will help me when things do go bad, I won’t have to trust my Dr; I can trust my own words that sanity exists, even for me.

Thanks for your comments last week, they were helpful and encouraging. Thanks also to my non Christian readers for not encouraging me to quit, and for one even telling me to persevere.

One last thing... I DON’T HAVE MS! My symptoms have been put down to anxiety, you wouldn’t believe how much the mind can affect the body. 

Why go to Church?

Why do I go to church? If I’m honest with myself it’s not to worship God, it’s not to learn, it’s not to serve; it’s just to be around people, it’s a lazy way to not be lonely for a few hours and it doesn’t always work! I go to church hoping to do these good things but my brain is too dead to learn, my heart is too cold to worship and I’m too fucked up to serve - I’ve tried the coffee ministry a few times and I kept scowling at people (they liked my coffee though). It’s hard to not give up your faith when you feel it does nothing for you, or even worse depresses you, there’s nothing like congregational worship to enlighten the gap between you and them, by the end I feel like I have no soul. The obvious answer to the feeling empty problem would be that I am empty. I am not strong in my faith; maybe the Holy Spirit has deemed me not a good home and departed, or maybe I’m just not trying enough. I don’t pray enough, they’re mostly conversational bits throughout the day and I rarely read the Bible even though I know there’s a wealth of knowledge in there and a lot of very encouraging and uplifting parts. So, then we come to commitment, I lack it in reading and praying, but I have held on to my faith through 13 years, many of them difficult and I’ve adhered to some of the more difficult guidelines for living, but is it now just habit?

Tonight’s service topic was “Redeeming Singleness” – basically why singleness doesn’t totally suck! I hate being single, but I know I will remain so until my relationship with God is greatly improved, in my last (and only) relationship I made him my god; I never would have admitted it at the time but I can see now that that’s where my heart was and it was one of the big reasons it couldn’t work. Since the breakup I could have had a few relationships or flings, and I am a human, I have a libido! But instead I waited, and continue to wait for, a godly man (I might have one or two in mind...) but I am not the godly woman they deserve. In jest the minister went through a checklist for finding the perfect Christian partner tonight and I fall very short, I can’t go back a few generations and make my entire ancestry outstanding people of the church, I can’t make my parents Christians and my dad not frightening, I can’t make my brother a Christian, or even not the hate filled adolescent that he is. Basically I want a prize Christian man who will help me draw nearer to God and discourage me from making him my god instead, but I am not his prize woman – yet. I need an amazing man who can help me get better, or I need a very long wait and a lot of work to become at least a little bit of a prize, I suspect it will be the latter; or singleness which brings me back to the beginning, loneliness and why go to church at all – well... I need to change.

I’ve decided to allow anonymous comments again, it’s annoying having to sign in just to leave a quick comment. I’m keeping the moderation on and won’t be publishing the highly insulting ones, you can disagree with me and I’ll publish it but you don’t have to attack in the process, I have feelings however damaged they are. I’ve been doing more personal writing lately which is why there have been fewer posts, I don’t know if that will change, but that’s why the absence.

Changing

Down. Medium. Down. Down. Medium. Down. Medium. Medium. High. Down. Down. Down. Down. Medium. I like medium, I’m there now and it’s a good fit. I realised tonight after seeing a friend, that my friends have had a hard time through this ordeal too. Not just my moods, but my alertness, my ability to talk and anxiety levels are ever changing.  I had a bit of a crash last week and the concern and confusion were clear on my friends faces. I can see it would be hard not knowing what’s going to happen next with your friendship, but I saw no sign of impatience in them. This is a slow battle, it may never end completely, and I must remember I’m bringing people along with me and spare them a thought (though a prayer would be more helpful!).

Due to last week’s crash one of my medications was increased on Monday, it’s working already and I feel much better. The side effects have increased with the dose; my hands are shaking most of the time, I find it hard to speak because my mouth is trembling and (this is a guess) it feels like there are muscle spasms in my neck at the base of the head because my head tremors for quite long periods a few times a day. These sound awful, but I still prefer how I feel now - side effects included – to the last year and a bit. I thank God (really) that my Doctor took the risk of admitting me given my history and the fact no one else would, and that he is open minded enough to question a diagnosis given by many doctors; both he and my psychologist are now quite sure it’s not BPD and that the self harm urges are intrusive thoughts rather than a coping mechanism for me, the best thing about this is no DBT!  

Umm

I overdid it today, by a lot! I can’t think straight enough to write well so this will be short. This evening I had the strangest psychiatrist appointment I’ve ever had, it left me confused, a little angry and utterly exhausted. I almost wish I could train as a psychiatrist just so I could understand everything; I know you can’t treat yourself, but there’s just so much information, I thought I had a pretty good understanding of the parts relevant to me – I’m not even close! It’s 11 days until I see the neurologist again, I’m working myself up now, but I can feel it in bones that it is MS, and I’m terrified. 

One Wrong Girl

Today I felt extraordinarily good, and I still do. I left the house twice, both quite long outings, one of which involved walking Rico. I had a nap in the evening and then a friend came over for a cup of tea and a chat. I have a little smile on my face at the moment and there’s no one here to pretend it’s there for. I thought I’d never feel this way again; I’ve got to get rid of the tiredness and then maybe I’m okay. I don’t have much to write about at the moment, I’ve been spending my time knitting, sleeping and watching Mad Men and Spooks. I doubt you want to hear about my knitting errors, and plot lines I can’t remember because I’m half asleep; so let this post act as a record that I was wrong about never getting better, I take now with the tiredness over any given day in the last 14 months and many, many days before that.

Gone Cancer Gone

At the end of 2009 my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer, towards the beginning of last year he was told it had advanced to a pelvic bone, there’s not much you can do once it’s in the bones, but he’s been receiving pretty intensive treatment anyway. He had an MRI last week - it was test week in our family! Dad’s was a full body, he was in that tube a jolly long time and he hated it, his oncologist whom he probably loathed at the time wanted to see where else in his bones the cancer was. The answer, nowhere, not even where it started! So daddy is no longer an advanced cancer patient, he’s just got normal prostate cancer, which is a much smaller burden for him to carry. I think writing this I felt some kind of appropriate emotional response, which is an answer to some pretty intense prayer I received on Saturday, or a very delayed processing of daddy’s illness, or both, probably both. 

It Worked

Rico and I just got back from a walk, he’s a happy boy, but I’ve just spent a week of energy, something I have even less of at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s the drugs or the illness it’s self, but doing anything at all is so hard, I’ve cut back on the sleepers to see if it helps at all. Despite being worn out I’m glad to be where I am now, pre admission I was a mess, and now I’m pretty stable, who knew mood stabilisers would have that effect! Who knew they’d work, I can hardly believe it! I’ve had one strong self harm urge and a couple of medium strength suicidal urges since discharge, and considering I’m a bit anxious about the whole MS thing and I thought everyone in the world hated me, that’s not too bad. I need to get whatever is exhausting me sorted, I should be going to uni this afternoon – not going to happen!

I just realised it has been over two months since any cutting, more than that since an OD and a few weeks since a little incident in hospital. I'm actually doing well, so all in all a happy little post today.

A Week

I left hospital on Wednesday, and so far all is well. Forgive my short posts of late, my brain is fuzzy and finding words to put in a sentence is really hard. I’ve been passing time knitting and crocheting also playing Portal 2; Logic isn’t one of my strengths so I tend to take a while to get through each test chamber or area, and I’ve resorted to cheating four times, but it’s still fun.

Women’s weekend was good, I attended less than half the meetings / activities, but I’m glad I went; It tired me out so no church last night and no small group tonight. I hope I’m up to going to uni tomorrow, I’ve already missed two weeks and have not done any reading. I know I’ve been playing Portal and knitting, but it’s a different type of attention, I’m not in a learning frame of mind.

I saw a neurologist last Tuesday (that’s why my discharge was delayed) and there was enough concern to send me for an MRI, but not enough to go running through the city screaming. The MRI was on Friday morning but I couldn’t get another appointment for the results until August 19, she’ll call if it’s anything urgent, but since there’s not a great deal of urgency in dealing with MS (the big suspicion) I don’t know if that means she’d call for that and I can feel relief in a few days if the phone doesn’t ring or if I have to wait a month. I don’t want MS, I’ve got enough illnesses! I wasn’t going to write about that at all or until I know the outcome because of the predictable comments “All you do is whinge and look for things to worry about, there are people out there with real problems like MS which you’re just convincing yourself you have to get attention” etc. I had trouble with last week’s blog comments, I suspected my friends of leaving them, I thought everyone hated me. I just wanted to share my tiny bit of joy. As a result I’ve changed the comment requirements, no more hiding behind anonymous, I know it’s quicker to post that way, but it’s not an option anymore.

Roof and Top

I’m now leaving on Wednesday, hopefully no later, it depends on something happening (or not happening) on Tuesday, I’ll report that after the fact.

I bought myself some daffodils yesterday; they’re such a happy flower, I hope they stay alive until I leave.

There was a meeting today with Dr, Mummy and me me me me me, it went better than I expected.

And the big news shouted from the roof tops is... I don’t have BPD, just a few symptoms which are most likely side effects of SSRIs since they coincided with the beginning of my SSRI treatment. For you anti drug people, going off the SSRIs is not an option, the OCD and anxiety they are controlling is too debilitating. I will still be referring to BPD as shorthand for the symptoms I have, but it’s not my tattooed label anymore.

Own Feet

I’m most likely leaving on Monday; it will be two days shy of a four week stay. In some ways I am much better, in others not so. The new drug regime is working as much as you can expect it to short of a miracle, side effects are plentiful, but I’m most annoyed by the shaky hands – dry mouth previously mentioned is improving. I’ve attended art nearly every day, and completed 6 pieces / projects and have two on the go. Art provides three hours a day to get sucked into something other than my head, it’s good. The studio is very well stocked here, in the previous hospital you could tell art therapy (and open studio) was the poor cousin to the other groups on offer. Art therapy here is very unstructured, the art is the therapy, at my old hospital we had only one hour, half of which was spent making art with set materials and a subject, and then we had to talk about it; that was a chore, this is enjoyable. Random internet folk have taught me how to knit and crochet in the last fortnight, though it took a human (R) to show me how to cast on. I’ve now knitted a headband and lots of other stuff I’ve torn apart because it was just practise.

There was a new admission this evening, has to be a first timer! I couldn’t tell who the patient was because the whole family was here – parents in their 50’s, their adult and teenage children, partners of children (evident by baby bump and proximity of partner), everyone was crying and fussing. My guess is there was a little incident at family lunch, it shocked everyone except the sufferer (mum is my guess) who has been hiding well, they went to ED and because they’re insured ended up here, I think that’s how it works when there are actually beds available and you’re not on a blacklist! They all looked so uneasy, mummy joined the freak show and now they have to visit her and hope not to be contaminated by the other more freaky freaks she’s been dumped with. That’s my interpretation of what they were thinking based on 20 minutes of spying over dinner. I remember my first few days in psych hospital; I was terrified and very alone. She’ll settle in.

I’m a bit scared about going home, I’m definitely not fine, but I can’t live in hospital, a part of me would like to. I’m looking forward to hanging with Rico again and being in my own house, though this week will be spent at my parents’. I’m not sure I’m looking forward to anything else; I’m lonely at home and most people my age work, I can’t put the friendship burden on too few people, history shows they sink.

To Lie?

One of the lovely side effects of Zeldox is dry mouth, it’s a symptom of many of the psychiatric drugs, but never one I’ve had, until now; It’s awful! Mummy is bringing sugar free lollies and gum tomorrow (Dr suggested it!) My mouth is really bad at the moment though and I’m a little sad that I don’t have unescorted leave, if lollies and gum are the answer, there’s a Coles around the corner screaming my name.

Two weeks until the women’s weekend, I don’t think I’ll be well enough, I’m only getting out of here soon if I lie to my psychiatrist, and that would defeat the point of coming in. A friend (B) for regular comment readers shared this article with me, it’s interesting, have a look if you wish. It made me a little sad though because the queen of DBT herself acknowledged that recovery requires a degree of good luck (among other things) Luck and I don’t live in the same hemisphere, when I travel so does she! Still, a good read.

A Lazy List

• Two weeks in hospital today.
• It would be lovely if you came to visit, I only have accompanied leave and it’s starting to feel like a prison.
• There has been an influx of ex patients of the hospital I was banned from; this is mostly a good thing.
• This morning got off to a comical start. There were no cornflakes, so I had Nutri-Grain, it was stale so I threw it away. I then put the croissant bought for me by a friend yesterday in the conveyor toaster, it caught fire (not just a little bit) then I dropped it on the ground. I satisfied my appetite with Wheet-Bix but the honey had run out and that’s what I like to put on them. Later I went to retrieve my clothes from the tumble dryer, only to find it had stopped working over night and they were still wet. Finally I poured myself a glass of water from the carafe in my room, overshot the glass and got water all over the bed side table and in the top drawer.
• I’m starting Zeldox tonight, it was supposed to be last night but they didn’t have any in stock; it’s similar to Seroquel, but without the weight gain, and it’s going to cost me a millionty dollars because it’s not on the PBS. I was wrong about Valdoxan, that's a totally different drug.
• I’ve been very careful to behave in here, there have been a few slip ups - hence the no unaccompanied leave; but I think overall it’s going well. I’ll be here at least another week, I’m hoping to be out in time for the church women’s weekend, I’ll be missing the Young Adult one this coming weekend, I was looking forward to that because I haven’t met many of the younger young adults. 
• Rico finally got groomed, he looks much better and I can now maintain his coat without all the matted hair in the way. I haven’t forgotten about Lester by the way, I miss him, but he really is better off at my parents’.

Don't Ever Let me Have a Credit Card

I bought Portal 2 today but my mobile broadband connection is too crappy to do the Steam update required to play it; I might be desperate enough to catch three types of public transport each way to my house and back so I can have good internet for a few hours, though I’ll probably be travelling longer than I’m home. There are a great number of shops near the hospital, I’ve spent a lot of money since I’ve been here, I’ve bought more clothes this week than I have all year, so I’m going to try and limit myself to one new pair of jeans, some tights, a few gifts and lots of coffee.

Yesterday was the worst day I’ve had in awhile, I requested the removal of my leave early in the morning because I didn’t trust myself and spent the day trying not to bite chunks out of my arm. I had two visitors, who I put on a pretty good act for, I told them it was a bad day but no matter how close the friend I don’t breakdown in front of people. Psych gave me my leave back because so long as I don’t jump in front of a truck it’s better for me to have some independence. I had my first dose of Clonazepam today and it worked, without making me drowsy; Valdoxan won’t start until Friday, and I wonder if I got the name wrong, the info I’ve found online doesn’t come close to what my psych said.

Art is going well, I’ve been every day but one, my first piece is almost finished and I made a start on the second tonight whilst waiting for a layer of paint to dry on the first. I didn’t like the first one until yesterday when it lost its adolescent appearance.

Weeks

I’m getting two new drugs, one of which (Valdoxan) is fairly new and I’m not sure I want it; the other is Clonazepam, which I hope will work, it’s a benzodiazepine and I have a great tolerance to them. This is not going to be a short admission; psych doesn’t want to introduce all the drugs at once, it’ll be about three weeks at a minimum. Rico is going to hate me, he’s staying with my parents and they aren’t home during the day, he gets lonely.

We Are All Planning Your Torture

Wow! I know a number of people with BPD including (probably) myself; I don't think any of us are capable, let alone inclined to torturing people. I hope the combination of exhaustion and feeling really shitty has made me misread this article; if not you'd better stay away, I might cut off 1cm of your body every minute starting from the toes, deep fry them and make you eat it as you bleed to death.

I just found the beginnings of a blog post I wrote on Thursday, I forgot I’d written it, but it’s rather funny so I have to share it with you – I have not edited it, I really was this drugged!

“I seen in double after taking epilm, I find it best to shut the left eye and put my trust in mr right

I”m very drugged at the moment, can’t sacta;;u see kneybosrd. The sort ofg mood where  would dwell in my furtue,, bieh the fantasy one and the one hsih will probblyt ha[[en. I ant  to diw”

Coffee for me Tomorrow

Very short psych consult tonight, no changes for now, I think he wrote up a new sedative for me. I now have leave, so I won’t be as bored from tomorrow, I have to behave myself whilst out and not bring back any contraband; getting banned from a second hospital is not on my priority list! I’m sleeping better, six hours last night and a nap this afternoon – probably a bad idea, but eh. Art was good this morning; it’s open studio, so you come and go as you please over a period of three hours and do whatever you want; I’m making a canvas monster. No visitors today, but I was too grumpy to entertain anyway, of course everyone is coming tomorrow!

Epilim

My psychiatrist came to see me at 9.30 last night and spent over an hour with me, he's not convinced I have borderline (whispers yippee) he can't be sure yet, an hour isn't enough to totally rule something like that out. He started me on a mood stabiliser called Epilim and a stronger dose of stilnox; I slept 8 hours last night! I was very dizzy for a few hours this morning, that was probably the epilim, I actually had to hold on to stuff to walk. My roomie is good company, I think I'm actually glad I'm sharing. I tend to hide in my room in hospitals and as a result hardly talk to anyone. She's a science geek - like a dr type, but she's worked as a lecturer, which gives us something to talk about since I'm hoping to start some sessional work next year. She's leaving on Sunday, hopefully her replacement is nice too. My guess is I'll be at least a week here, to give the drug change time to kick in, longer if he decides to change the antidepressant - which he's thinking about. Come visit! I'm not allowed out yet and it's boring, I'll go to art tomorrow though, I forgot this morning and they don't let you in late.

I'm in

After a morning of many phone calls I learnt that I was accepted by a psych yesterday, she had an appointment available this afternoon and was able to admit me right away. I'm in a private hospital but shared room, roomie seems nice. The food here is terrible, hopefully I'll leave a few kg lighter! I'm very tied and flat, but for the first time in weeks I feel somewhat safe. I won't have my laptop until tomorrow so am limited to posting from my phone. Sms if you'd like to visit, or pm through facebook, I won't be posting the name of the hospital on here.

Four Frikkin Thirty AM

There are currently no public psych beds available anywhere in Victoria! I spoke with CAT tonight and they would have admitted me, but no room, they already had four or five people sitting in various emergency departments crossing all their digits for a bed. I have to call a private hospital which wasn’t on my “go to” list at 9am to see if their resident psych can admit me. It’s getting a little ridiculous; I am very well insured, surely someone wants my fund’s money?  I can’t stop fidgeting, my heart is racing and irregular, I can’t sleep despite six hours of trying. I might just kill time until 9am rolls around, make the call and then try again at this sleep thing. I spent the last two hours (in bed on my phone) researching either purchasing or hiring a spiral staircase so I can stage my play, the problem is - being a short - we’d need to strike the set very quickly for the next piece to come on, or set up very quickly if we were last (or both if we’re not first or last), the staircase might be problematic, and since it’s called “The Stairs” and they are integral I don’t think ditching them is an option. This might have to be one that stays on paper – Unless I make it a full play, but I think this is right at its current length.

I wish sedatives still worked on me without having to resort to dangerous doses.

Misery Bear

I just discovered Misery Bear, it's gold, you have to watch it!
http://www.miserybear.com/films.html

Doctor Whore

I can’t start writing a blog post until I have  a title; often I go back and change the title, there just has to be something there before I can write. Today’s starter title is Hgjhgjgh – the first few letters my hands pummelled blindly on the keyboard. This will be the last post I advertise on Facebook for a while, a friend and I are having a Facebook rest together, so if you want to keep reading this you’ll have to follow or check it every so often.

Two years ago I started having dreams and a few days later something from one of the dreams would happen; A few examples: I went to my old chiropractor in a dream and it had turned into a huge super clinic, in reality I dropped in a week or so later to pick up some x-rays and it had changed significantly. In another dream Krispy Kreme was going out of business, the next day The Age documented their economic downfall and multiple store closures. Dad smoking an electronic cigarette, the next day an article about battery powered cigarettes to help people quit.  And this beauty two nights ago; attending a seminar in a very large auditorium, I took my seat but didn’t realise until it was too late to move that my chair was a good 60cm higher than all the others. Luckily the people either side of me were quite tall, so I didn’t stand out too much, but then they left and everyone else was down by my waist, I felt awkward. Last night in church I was wearing boots with a little heel, usually that’s not a problem because I’m not exactly a giant, but short people sat either side of me, no problem when were seated, but when we stood I was the tallest in the row and didn’t like it. I don’t believe I can dream the future, but I think my subconscious gleans little bits of information and gives them to me in dream form, scary at first, now amusing.

GP again today, as I expected all the scans and x-rays were fine; I’d prefer something to be wrong so it can be fixed rather than niggling problems that won’t go away. While it is possible, maybe even probable that the tingling down my left side is somatic (basically anxiety caused) GP insists I see a neurologist to rule out MS and a couple of other things I didn’t remember because I’ve never heard of them. I’m completely un-worried, even if I had a massive inoperable brain tumour, I wouldn’t give a damn because it would bring death closer. MS would suck, it shortens your life anywhere from a bit to a lot, but in the mean time it destroys you. My Grandad’s first wife had MS, it caused her to choke on her food and that’s how she died. GP is still trying to get me a private admission, she’s making four calls tonight and if they fail there is the option of going public, but that’s really only for crisis containment, they don’t do anything to make you better, just protect you from yourself. I might need to do that, it’s getting tiring constantly fighting the urges, it’s only a matter of time before I give up.

Valium, I missed you

After a few months off the stuff, Valium sure kicks arse!

Snot and Hills

L came over tonight and I cooked a full meal for maybe the third time this year, it was good too. I’m suddenly full of a cold, it came during the night and cold and flu tablets are doing nothing at all for it. I spoke to the hospital today and in their words ‘it will be a couple of weeks’ until I get a new psychiatrist and they can’t admit me before then. I’ve asked my GP to put me on bed brokers if she can – I only left a message for her, so I don’t know what the answer is, but they can get you a private bed anywhere and set you up with a psych, they did it for a friend with only a few days to wait. I’m not too desperate for an admission, which is why I haven’t been carted off to a public hospital, but I think I’d benefit from one at the moment as I’m having huge mood dives, strong impulses, increased anxiety and I’m still having trouble sleeping. It would be nice to make a significant improvement before next semester starts; I’m doing at least two subjects and need to maintain a distinction (preferably HD) average.

I’ve just been poking around on realestate.com, I wish I could afford a helicopter and rental for multiple helipads in areas I frequent. I found several properties in the hills I would love to live in and the rent is so cheap; but in such beautiful surrounds and with a huge drive to get anywhere I’d quickly give in to my inner hermit and never be seen by anyone. Maybe my move to the hills will have to wait until I have a man to push me out the door and someone has been kind enough to give me their helicopter (and flying lessons, helipads, fuel).

To Do List:

Find a man

Become best friends with a dissatisfied helicopter owner

(or) Get ridiculously rich and buy a helicopter

Get a job

Learn to fly

Find beautiful property

Purchase animals for menagerie

Have a throne made so I can survey my property and animals in comfort and style

Crawling

I got a lovely email at 5am from my lecturer asking for the part of the final assignment I hadn’t handed in, my favourite part being “it doesn’t have to be very good, you’re only a few marks away from a HD anyway” and that’s without the whole assignment! I wrote it in an hour and a half whilst playing with S. I’ve never written a script treatment before (or read one) so hopefully it’s enough to get those extra few marks for a HD.

GP called about an hour ago, as predicted she couldn’t get me a private admission without a private psych to admit me, she asked if I thought I was bad enough to go public, I said no, I think I’d rather be left to my own devices than go there again. It shouldn’t be long before I have a new private psych, but once I’ve been accepted it might be a little wait for my first appointment, and even then I might get another who doesn’t admit BPD scum like me!

I met a staghound crossed with a golden retriever today, he took my breath away. Rico is great and all, but my heart really belongs to the giant dogs. Great Dane, Staghound, Saluki, Irish Wolfhound; I’d gladly own a few of each when I have my massive house, a good million acres and servants to care for my menagerie.

A Watched Phone Never Rings

I got to sleep at 6am after many hours spent resisting the valium stockpile.

I’m still in my pyjamas, it’s 6:30pm.

Not one peep out of my phone.

Rico smells.

Here we go Again

My depression is worsening. I’m permanently holding back tears for no reason. My GP will be calling around tomorrow to try and get me a private admission. Everything has got on top of me and I want nothing more than to take all my valium and cut my throat, but there is enough desire not to do that to make me seek help, I’ve done my bit by asking, it’s now the systems turn.

For Want of a...

My favourite side effect of Lovan (that’s the antidepressant) is loss of libido; it completely eliminates it and makes life for a single woman so much easier. It’s back and I don’t want it! I’m almost tempted to increase my dose just so I get the side effect back and also to upset my stomach again so I can’t eat and keep losing weight – I’ve stagnated at -11kg. I am currently attracted to one man, who I’d say is in my league, but I think he deserves better than a scarred, insane, sometimes suicidal, B.P.D girl; I was thinking about that last night and realised that all I really deserve is an unemployed drunken abusive lout - they say girls marry similar to their father (though mine is a hard worker). Life with me is going to be a punishment, the man I like deserves reward; a man like my father deserves me. It almost makes sense to give up the faith, give up the idea of monogamy and shag whoever I please, I could never do that, but I wonder if the end result may be better.

Insomnia is not a Toothless Hound

I had a job interview this morning, I had to cancel it due to another bad night’s sleep and general melancholy. It would have been a good job for me, it was a barista role for a hospitality agency, meaning I can accept shifts when I’m well and turn them down when I want to die, making it to the interview would have been a good start.

Whatever is causing the tingling on my left side is getting worse, my face and arm feel awful. I’m not going to the GP for the third time in five days, it’ll wait until my appointment on Tuesday, hopefully I haven’t had a stroke by then! I’m having some guests over tomorrow and need to spend today intensively cleaning my house; Rico has been dragging dirty water in with him and pawing at the windows, the place looks like a squat and smells like one too, thanks to his muddy swimming shenanigans.

I submitted my script last night with five minutes to spare; then I discovered I’d missed part B of the assignment, a treatment of the script. We never went over this in class, I’ve never written one and really can’t be bothered, but I have to. It looks easy enough, I just have no motivation and I can’t find an example for the stage, it seems to be more of a screen thing. I suppose I can do that between cleaning carpets, windows and everything else today. I want a maid.

Rain and Long Haired Dogs

Rico just had his first walk since Sunday partly due to my knee injury, partly due to the rain. It’s bad enough when he comes inside after 30 seconds in the garden for a wee, but with those hairy paws collecting every drop of water they touch, walking in the rain is not something I’m keen to do with him. Because I’m not supposed to walk too much until GP has decided what’s wrong with my knee, I took him to a local sports oval which is fully fenced -cocker spaniels in general have terrible road sense – I realised as we left that it doubles as a flood basin; that would explain why he had a nice muddy swim in the middle of the field! I think it’s time to buy him some doggy gumboots. I walked two laps of the oval and shouldn’t have, my knee is in agony and I don’t have any ibuprofen in the house, paracetamol does nothing for it.

I have one monologue left to write and then I’m finished with uni for the semester, it should only take an hour to write and then another hour to clean up the rest of the script. I saw the new psychologist today, she’s lovely and I really like the clinic, it’s a beautiful old house decorated like a grandma’s place, very cosy. Of course though things can’t be perfect... She’s pregnant, so can only see me for a few months, if I get into the October DBT intake that’ll be okay though  because they ask you to stop seeing your own psychologist.

If you prayed for me, thanks! I slept 8-9 hours the night before last and got some sleep last night too. 

184

I saw my psychiatrist for (hopefully) the last time today, it turns out that whoever spoke to my GP was quite wrong about him having to handball me, it’s got nothing to do with him. So I travelled 50 minutes each direction, on loud public transport for what ended up being a five minute appointment then I got home to find that Rico had been dancing in the rain and had torn the laundry apart. I got to spend my afternoon reassembling the laundry and bathing the disgusting creature responsible for its destruction. Drying a dog over a heating vent is challenging, I’ll have to buy him a hairdryer – I don’t use one because I have curly hair, and drying it makes it into an afro-like mess.

I saw my poor GP yesterday, and then again tonight, she’s going to call the hospital tomorrow for another attempt at getting me a psychiatrist. I also get blood tests to find out why my left side went numb for hours last night and then a CT scan if the blood is fine. I’ve had so many brain scans I should be able to draw it from memory by now – not that I can draw, nor did I pay any attention to the images. I’ve also got the CAT team on my case, I was supposed to give GP my valium stockpile but I didn’t so she called them...

If you’re the praying type here’s my needs: my knee is ruined from that fall last week, insomnia persists, this combined with the other issues is sending me crazier and I can’t cope with another psychiatrist rejection. I’ve been writing a post in response to a reader’s question, but it’s massive and I’m deciding what to do with it; split it up or cut it down.

Tweet

There are about 40 trees in my parents’ suburb, half of which are in their back garden. I couldn’t sleep again last night, it was about 5am when I drifted off and not long after that when I woke again to the sound of birdsong – a strange occurrence in this part of Melbourne. As nice as it was to listen to the birds, their song brought unwelcome memories of being at M’s house in the hills; where there was very little time without the sounds of nature dancing in my ears; birds all day – especially in the morning, frogs at night, creaking trees every time the wind so much as thought about blowing (and the peaceful candlelit games nights brought by rolling blackouts caused by said trees). I miss those days.

Raw Chicken is bad for Your Tummy

Insomnia persists; it’s great being at my parents not having to worry about anything, but I’m going home tomorrow because I have a week full of appointments in the East, plus we get along better when there’s some distance between us! Only three days until the dreaded psychiatrist appointment; I don’t think he’ll refuse to refer me to someone else, but my lovely mind is coming up with all sorts of scenarios, I guess the one requiring the worst luck will win – seems to be the pattern. I haven’t been writing as much this week because there’s nothing to say except my head hurts and I want some sleep, so I’ll leave you with that.

Good iz Me

I iz a good riter, yes? Yes! Over the last three days I’ve spent a total of 2.5 hours on my script, that’s pretty slack, but Mr lecturer dude and da klass loved it. I’ll stop the spelling and grammar errors here, it doesn’t suit me. For the first time since starting this project I’m actually thinking of producing it, I could enter it in Short and Sweet but I would have to enter as an independent theatre company if I want to direct it myself, or surrender directing rights to whichever short and sweet director chooses it (if any). So who wants to be in my theatre company? I found out today that I can start my PhD much sooner than I thought, I just have to do six coursework subjects, swap to research and then ask to have my project upgraded to PhD – that means making it a bigger project, but since I already had a small one and  a large one in mind, that’s no problem.

I fell over on my doorstep Monday afternoon, there is a narrow ramp and my foot slipped off the edge, I landed strangely and hurt my knee and back, I think the knee will stick around for a while. That’s two falls in two days, I fell very ungracefully at church Sunday night, walking from carpet onto hard floor in new boots with slippery heels, thankfully there was a chair next to me which I was able to grab hold of and slow the fall. Insomnia is back in all its glory, the last five nights have been awful, Sunday night / Monday morning I fell asleep around 5am, woke about 8, slept for a half an hour and then woke after a very realistic dream in which I’d confronted the housemate we don’t like and thought it had really happened. Eventually I got up at 1pm after on and off sleep. I’m staying at my parents’ for a while because it’s hard to look after yourself on no sleep, I need to go to their GP tomorrow and ask for Imovane; that’s the sleeper which gave me hallucinations last time I took it, but I’m quite sure that was because of Lamictal, I’d taken Imovane previously without any issues. Rico is here with me, he’s great with the cats, they’re still pretty scared though.

Three Unrelated Paragraphs

I spent this weekend not sleeping and not doing anything productive. My major script workshop is on Wednesday and I’ve written zero words! I think it’ll be okay though, it’s almost finished in my head, the actual writing part is trivial yeah? Rico is earning his keep, he has so far destroyed one blind, one window frame and one door frame, but he has also prevented one overdose; well done Rico! He needs a proper groom, I’ve been brushing him regularly but he already had some matted hair on his legs when I got him; he snaps when I go near it, I can’t brush it out because it’s like dreadlocks, I cut a few off but he has obviously had a bad grooming experience, he was shaking, had his tail tucked right in and ran away at any given opportunity. I think once it’s sorted out prevention will be easy enough with a thorough daily brush.

I’ve asked to change small groups, the coordinator is going to work out which ones aren’t full and where I’d fit well and then I’ll give a few a try (if there are a few). No one is happy about my decision to leave my current group but I don’t think it’s going to work for me, I’m too bitter because of my experience on the first week and now when I go I’m looking for things to pick on and expecting to disagree with everything, so of course it happens. Everything in my life is hard, and holding onto faith is perhaps the hardest. I think I’m enduring enough and that maybe taking the easy option here is not such a bad thing.

I’ll be West for a couple of weeks getting looked after by Mummy and Daddy - unless Rico doesn’t like it there, in which case I guess I’ll be there for one night. I’m feeling pretty horrible and very unsafe, I don’t have any fall backs this week because my GP is in Vanuatu, my first psychology appointment is not until the 9^th, I don’t yet have a new psychiatrist and my current one actually has a policy of not taking crisis phone calls, that leaves me with the CAT team to tell me to have a bath instead of overdosing and slicing myself open – thanks! I hope I sleep tonight, my head hurts so much, I’m dizzy and I have goose bumps all over my body, please body, just be kind for a little while.

One Year

Around 10pm tonight it will be one year since my life fell apart, thanks M. This day marked the beginning of one month in hospital, and the many subsequent admissions. I feel awful today but I haven’t shed a tear – they don’t come easily to me. I had a nice brunch and helpful chat with R this afternoon, despite her encouragement and the fear she admitted she holds of my death, I want nothing more than for this all to end. I’d like to say that more than dying I want to get better, but it’s hard to want something you believe to be impossible; I guess that’s what the psychologist is for. I’m going to a party tonight, I’ve been looking forward to it because most people from church will be there, and I haven’t met that many people outside my small group. I don’t want to go in this mood, but it might cheer me up, and I probably shouldn’t be alone tonight.

Rob Me

Shit! I just found 67 valium; I can’t throw them out, does anyone want to come and do it for me? It’s not a lethal dose, but not a small one either. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Eight Sentences

• Rico bit some chunks off my living room window frame – I was only out four hours!
• I have a new psychologist, and she’s within 10 minutes of my house, first appointment is 9/6.
• My GP increased Lovan this morning.
• I was going to break my arm last night and cut off a toe this morning – I got over it, probably should have mentioned my desire for 9 toes to GP though. Yes I am crazy, you all know that.
• I can’t sleep – feel awful.
• Should walk Rico, it’s rather wet outside, but maybe if I don’t he’ll eat the washing machine, fridge, couch etc in protest, little bastard!
• Call me and come over if you want to, company would be nice, I’ll try not to be horrible.

Gangsta Broom

I had between 5 – 10 really weird dreams last night. In one of them I was driving to my parents’ late at night and the freeway had an exit I didn’t recognise, I passed it because you don’t normally hop off somewhere unknown, but that was the last exit. The freeway ended about 100m after that, it didn’t turn into another rd as they normally do, instead it was a rocky and muddy cliff which had been the end of many a car. I crashed into one of the others which had met their demise there, then my car changed into what would have been a beautiful sports car in its day, but it was now old and decrepit – I stayed in the car whilst it transformed. I then tried to drive back up the cliff but only one wheel at a time was making contact with the ground, so I had to push it up the cliff – it was surprisingly light. Then I continued driving to my parents’ I had no idea where I was, my brother appeared in the passenger seat and navigated me through the industrial wasteland which is on the way. We never got home.

In another dream I was at L’s house and her dad got home from work in an open top black gangster looking Mercedes – it kind of looked like this but with no roof.

Her dad got to bring a ridiculous car home from work each day just for the fun of it. I wanted to take it for a drive; that was the end of the dream.  There were a few of those annoying realistic dreams which take me a while to work out are dreams – I had to check one of them!

My body is having a hard time with all the drug changes, I can’t stop moving. I only have one oxazepam left, my other sedatives are sleepers – hardly ideal for day time calm and there’s zero chance of my GP giving me more benzodiazepines, I think I’ve got no choice by to pilfer daddy’s.

Saturday is one year since M left me, thankfully I’m going to a party that night and I can probably find someone to keep me company during the day – R, I’m looking at you. It will hurt, but it means it’s time to move on. Snog fest starts Saturday!