MST

At the eleventh hour my doctor walked into my room and announced that there is a trial he wants me to be part of instead of doing ECT. The trial is for MST, which I think stands for Magnetic Seizure Therapy. It is the same as ECT in that it causes the brain to seize, it's just achieved differently, using a magnetic coil instead of electricity. It's a double blind trial, I won't know if I'm being given normal ECT or MST, but if I'm on MST and it's not working they'll swap me and if I'm on ECT and I have significant memory issues they'll swap me to MST, which has the advantage of no memory loss. I have to meet with the researchers tomorrow and then it will probably start on Wednesday. I'm a little disappointed because I was ready for tomorrow, but it's only an extra two days and I may not have to deal with the memory loss.

My mood is pretty low at the moment, I'd appreciate any calls or text messages to brighten my day.

ECT

I'm starting ECT tomorrow instead of Wednesday. The family meeting went well, my dad came this time, the last meeting he came to was a disaster, but that was almost two years ago and he knew virtually nothing about me being ill.

I'm not feeling great today so this is just a short post. Please come and visit, I'm getting quite lonely and I'm going to be going through a very tough time for the next two weeks.

The Beginning

I just had my annual dose of radiation - a chest x ray in preparation for ECT. I met with my Dr today and he decided to go ahead with preparations for ECT, unless my mum strongly disagrees in our family meeting on Sunday I'll be starting on Wednesday (if she disagrees, it's still up to me). I still have to have a blood test and ECG before it can begin. For those of you who don't know what ECT is is stands for Electroconvulsive Therapy. The patient is put under general anesthetic and given a muscle relaxant, several electrodes are placed on the scalp and a current is passed through them, causing a seizure lasting approximately 2 minutes. It isn't known exactly why it works, just that it does in up to 80% of cases. I will be having six treatments over two weeks on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. The first one is the worst because they have to shock you a few times to find out what level brings on the seizure. If L's experience is anything to go by I can expect a killer headache and jaw pain on the first day and memory loss throughout the whole treatment period, I might also forget a little while before treatment (eg now) and have trouble making new memories during the treatment period, none of this should be long lasting. Some people experience more severe memory loss, but they are in the minority.

The decision to do ECT was reached because this week I've been feeling very suicidal and have given up any hope of getting better, preferring instead to die, I've actually been praying for God to take me in my sleep, somehow I don't think he'll do that. I've lost my unaccompanied leave because I confessed I was finding it hard to avoid buying razor blades. I've resisted so far because I'm here to get well, not to act out and get my self sectioned again, but still my Dr thought it best to be safe and keep me in.

Desire

I'm still here, I won't be getting discharged tomorrow as I've taken a turn for the worse. My mood is so low I don't even have it in me to watch shows on my laptop. I watched one episode of Futurama today and spent the rest of the time staring at the walls or with my eyes shut. My dr wants to wait until Sunday before deciding our next step which will either be Reboxetine - a NaRI drug which according to the internet doesn't work - or ECT. My dr is concerned about ECT because of the risk of memory loss, but he said if I just get to the stage where I can't stand being suicidally depressed anymore and I want a quick fix he'll let me do it.

I could be here a few more weeks, I have the choice to leave whenever I like, but I don't feel safe enough to be at home, it's hard enough staying safe in here. So... visitors would be lovely. I had plenty of visitors to start with, but now it's really just my parents coming - a friend came yesterday, which was lovely but I want more!!!

Longer

I'm now stuck here until at least Tuesday because my vision hasn't cleared up and we need to sort out the medication dose, or even change it if the dose reduction doesn't work. As of this morning I'm down to 30mg of Cymbalta from 60mg, if that doesn't fix the problem entirely it should at least help, 30mg isn't really a treatment dose so it may fix my vision but do nothing for my depression, that will mean being in here longer to start a new drug. There's been no change in my mood, it's just really flat. I really want to go home, on top of the obvious reasons one wouldn't want to be stuck in hospital I now have a room mate and she has the TV on from 7:30 in the morning until about 9pm when she goes to bed, I've had my headphones in constantly even if I'm not listening to anything just to block out the television sound. I've been watching V (with headphones) for the last few days, I'm almost finished and it's exciting, it was cancelled in its first series so I'm not sure if it will come to a conclusion or just end abruptly, I really hope it concludes.

Blurred

The last few days have been okay, my mood has remained the same, flat, but the really bad lows have stopped. Cymbalta has caused the unpleasant side effect of blurred vision; unlike last time this happened it's my distance vision most affected, although today I'm having trouble reading, and typing this is taxing. I'm most likely going home on Friday unless my doctor decides I can't stay on this drug due to my eyes, the nurses say it will probably clear up as my body adjusts to it. I look forward to going home, I'm lonely here and I want my freedom, I just hope I can be trusted with it, I'm still experiencing troubling thoughts but I have to learn to manage them outside of hospital, I can't live here some people practically do but I don't want to be one of them.

Cymbalta

A new drug it is!
Either tonight or in the morning I'll be starting Cymbalta, I should know within a week if it's going to work or not but my doctor wants to give it about six weeks before deciding whether to stay on it or do ECT, TMS probably won't work, he spoke to the professor and he wasn't very confident. I feel pretty low at the moment, a new drug isn't really what I wanted, I was hoping for ECT but he wanted to try the drug first; he also said that the numbness I experience is likely only going to be fixed by a lot of psychotherapy, there's never a easy solution when I'm involved. If it's going to take a long time for the numbness to be fixed I'll probably lose a couple of friends quite soon, they're sick of it, apparently it makes being my friend draining. Of course I want to get better, that's why I'm here and not at home in bed wallowing, it's just really hard, impossible on my own.

Nothing

I'm very frustrated tonight. I was supposed to see the TMS professor today and it didn't happen because my doctor didn't bother arranging it like he's been saying he would since I got here. The professor only comes in on Tuesdays, so I can't start TMS for another week now, unless since last night my doctor has decided that's not the right option for me anyway. I think I want ECT, it has an 80% success rate and it works fast. I got a big telling off by a friend today, saying that I need to try harder to get better and that I've totally lost my personality etc, all of it true, but hard to rectify. I'm a shell of a person and I don't see how a shell can fill its self.

Handover

A second post for the day.
It's now night and I feel like shit. Between 9:30 and 10:30 the nurses here are doing handover, this basically means that unless you've been shot you can't get any attention, it also happens to be my worst time of night. Tonight I feel like my only way out of this mess is to pull myself out and I can't. I see a future in which I'm not allowed to kill myself and so I will feel like this until I die naturally at 80-something. I don't want that, I can't stand the thought. I want to escape this hospital tonight and die with boxes of store bought drugs and a bottle of scotch. Every door is alarmed, every window sealed, I'm going nowhere.

Test Subject Reclusive Girl

I finally got to taste a Phillippa's hot cross bun today after always finding them sold out in previous years, it was worth the wait.

I saw my Doctor again last night and there are several options. He wants me to have some genetic testing to see if I metabolise drugs too fast and that's why they don't work; he's taken me off Valdoxan because it isn't working; introduced Largactil ( I think that's the one) just for when I need it. I'm seeing the TMS professor again on Tuesday, and between him and my psychiatrist they'll decide if I'm having TMS, ECT or different drugs. I know ECT sounds terrible but it can work wonders and they do it under general anaesthetic these days.

I'm at my parents' today, just chilling. I hired eight DVDs to get me through the next week, I assume I'll be in that long, but I might be lucky and have one ECT treatment and then be fine to go, though usually it takes a few treatments. If I get a drug change or TMS instead it'll be a longer admission. I'm not happy about that, L wants me significantly better before I go home, which is understandable, but I feel that the longer I'm away the harder it will be to settle back into a relatively new household and L and S will have bonded more without me being included; I already have trouble with that since I'm a big introvert and they're both really outgoing, they get along fabulously and I'm included but it's different for me. I wish I could just get better and not just over the chemical side of things, but over the damage it's caused my self esteem over the years, I'm not the person I once was, that screwed up job interview proved it. I used to give fantastic interviews and get the jobs.

I feel fine today, like I could just go home and all would be well, but since it's only been a few days since my mini od and nights are quite bad I'm sure that would be a bad idea, it's time to get me sorted out properly.

Sleep

Today I slept. I missed lunch because in favour of sleep and I could have slept through tea too but thought better of it. Mum came to visit tonight and we went out of coffee and now I'm going back  to bed. I feel about the same as yesterday, some really bad times and some where I'm OK, but mostly it's just a flat down feeling. I'm really sick of this and I'm sick of people saying I need to pull myself out of it - I can't! God can, but it seems he doesn't want to, at least not yet. The only other major therapy I'm yet to try is ECT, that's scary, but might be worth it. Right now I just want to die - don't call the police, I'm already in hospital!

Things are better(er) with my friends who I upset, there's still some making up to be done though, it's a bit hard when I can't go and see them, but hopefully I'll make it to one of the Easter services at church.

Back in Hospital

Here I am back in hospital after another night in emergency, this time it wasn't so big a deal, they let me go at 5am, a friend, K, stayed with me for a lot of the night, she was good company in a situation I usually deal with myself. I have no idea how long this admission will be, my Dr says more TMS might be an option, in which case it may be a long one, I hope not. I'm enjoying living with L and S and don't want to be away from them for too long. I need to make things up with L, she's upset and angry that I didn't seek her help last night when it was on offer - I should have but I was set on what I wanted to do and I knew she'd be successful in stopping me. I also need to make things up with R, but that's a more complex situation where I'm not totally in the wrong, it'd be easier if I was.

Things I hate about hospital:
Single beds
Room mates (although I don't have one right now)
Monotony
No car
Friends far away

I'm going to miss the Easter services at church, I was planning on going to at least two of them, I only made it to one last year.

20mg

More drugs, possible admission with another month of TMS, plus maintenance; this was the result of my psychiatrist appointment yesterday. I'm now on 20mg of Abilify, this is quite a high dose, and will cost my parents a small fortune, none of my drugs are on the PBS, or they are but only for patients experiencing psychosis, my old Dr lied and said I had a psychotic illness, my current Dr isn't willing to take that risk, I guess they get a little slap on the wrist if caught. I don't lie to my Dr, I told him about the police and the deleted blog post that led to them being called. I was feeling even worse yesterday so he got to see first hand how I was, I managed not to cry though it was hard when he started talking about M - yes I'm still not over him, I hate that I'm not, I don't want him back but I just remember the good times and it hurts. He wants me to talk it through with my psychologist, he's not much of a talker, more of a drug pusher.

Today has been a big waste of time, I stayed in bed until 1 then did nothing for a while, watched the new Game of Thrones episode then stared at the ceiling for a while. The monotony was broken by a coffee date with L. It's great living with L and S, the three of us went to see The Hunger Games last night, it was our first household outing, I can't say I loved the film, but it was interesting after reading the book.

A Post on Faith

Tonight I stayed back after church for some prayer regarding my salvation or lack of, it fit in well with the passage preached on tonight and the answer I was given is to obey, believe that Jesus is the messiah and obey God's commands. God wouldn't want me to jump off the Bolte bridge, so I shouldn't, God wants me to continue going to church so I should. I may not feel anything, but I've accepted Christ, from there I'm doing what I can. I know there are many people within the (wider and my) church who are suffering and holding onto their faith just fine, in some cases it has made them even stronger; for me it hasn't worked that way. I'm hanging in there, going to church and feeling inadequate as I watch the people around me raise their hands in worship while I struggle to make myself sing and mean the words coming from my mouth. I bow my head in prayer and just feel like I'm sending thoughts off to the floor. I read my bible sometimes at home, not as much as I should, but again it feels like nothing, just like I'm reading any other book that I'm not enjoying, but I still try and I think that deserves some credit. I still pray nearly every night as well as little ones throughout the day but I still feel like I'm praying to nothing. My athiest readers will be thinking "well that's because you are", but I don't think I am. I believe there is a God who cares about me and listens to me, but I just can't connect with him. I want to be dead, I don't like the thought of leaving hurt people behind, but I love the thought of being with Christ and away from my troubles here. L wants me to go back to hospital because these thoughts are becoming worse, maybe she's right. I don't want to hurt people, that's totally against my nature, I just want to be free.