Tonight L, her friend another L and I went to Theatreworks to see two plays by last year's NIDA directors graduates, they were Howl directed by Daniel Lammin, and Thirst, directed by Eugene O'Neill, both were excellent; Thirst was beautiful, and Howl very moving and it seems provocative as five audience members left! It put me in a writing mood, but now by time I've got home, settled in and sat down the urge is gone and I just feel depressed. My mood has been slowly deteriorating throughout the week, I haven't even been out of hospital a full week, but I already feel I need more TMS, looks like I'll be going on the maintenance program! They told me to call up if I felt things were going wrong, I just hope they'll be able to help me despite my doctor being on leave, I don't want to wait until he gets back for anything to be done. I'm yet to act on them but my self-harm urges are quite strong and I don't think I can keep them at bay for much longer, especially when part of me is already resigned to losing the battle, I gave into them twice in hospital only in minor ways, I want to do it properly now.
I want to go to bed and escape the world but I've run out of sleeping tablets and I've slept about 15 of the last 24 hours, I don't like my chances tonight, shit!
Don't self harm, don't! Write instead, make your pain a gift to us on the worldwide web. Forget grammar and what you think the craft of writing demands of you, just get it out there; regardless of whether you think it makes the grade or not your struggle is a blessing for the rest of us and I am so grateful you are prepared to share it with us. Keep pursuing and exploring creativity, don't give up, you have so much yet to give.
ReplyDeletePlease call the docs K. And in the meantime write, sped time with L and read your bible and pray, knowing that this will pass and better times will soon come as long as you hold out for the TMS. Ask God for his peace. He gives it so we may endure the certain hardships here on Earth.
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