one reclusive girl: Wine

I’m in a wallowing mood today, I’m tired, annoyed and disappointed in myself. I am a four year-old who has been denied lollies. Rather than stomp and scream, I sloth and fantasise about blood. In ten days I should have been celebrating my five year anniversary with M, instead I will spend the day helping my lovely C move house. I’m not over the break up yet, but I do feel better about it – not about life in general, but I don’t cry every time he pops into my mind now. I see it as a good sign that I have a crush on two other people, one of these can’t be acted on, but the other, maybe one day – not yet. I have 26 kilos to drop before I can consider myself good looking once more, I have achieved 5 so far, it’s easier to diet when you just refuse to let anything bad into the house (last night was an exception L). I actually think I’m quite good looking when I’m not fat, I don’t think many people can see that in themselves, but I used to be pleased by what looked back through the mirror (except the legs, they’re just gross). If I drop the 26kg I’ll be prettier than when I started seeing M, but I’ll be crazier, maybe someone will still want me. Mmm, I’m not in a writing mood, too busy wallowing – need some mud and wine.

I wanted to drown my sorrows so a couple of friends and I went to a local liquor store, it’s just a quiet, dingy stand alone shop in Monbulk. I went in alone whilst my friends went to get some bits and pieces from another shop, we left our circa 1985 blue van parked outside the liquor store. I wandered over to the red wine section and helped myself to a lovely bottle of shiraz which I proceeded to drink from the bottle as I searched for something appropriate to share with my friends. Over the course of about half an hour I wandered through the shop completely alone, the attendant was ducked behind the counter using the phone and there were no other customers. I finally chose a bottle of scotch and decided not to bother with another wine for my friends. I placed the wine - which I had been drinking - and the scotch on the counter, as the attendant went to bag them we realised that I had already drunk all of the wine so I only needed to take the scotch with me. It occurred to me that I had consumed an entire bottle of wine in no longer than 30 minutes, I was filled with the undoubtable knowledge that I would never again feel the effects of alcohol, there would be no drowning of sorrows for I had become immune to the effects of alcohol. My attention was drawn back to the task at hand, I had to pay for the items before I could indulge in self pity. I worried that I may not have enough cash but my fears were allayed when I saw the eftpos machine. The total for the wine and scotch came in at exactly the amount of cash I had in my purse, but I thought it would be good to keep the cash so I paid with my card instead. My card was swiped through the machine, but it didn’t work. The attendant called to one of the other staff members, she came over but didn’t know what the problem was. Out of the corner of my eye I saw some movement to the left of the counter, an intoxicated, unkempt man stood up and walked to the back of the shop to use the lavatory, he was apparently another staff member. Considering how quiet the shop, and indeed the town is, there really is no need for three people to be rostered on at the same time. It would seem the man read my mind, for when he emerged from the lavatory he announced he was going home and walked out the front door. After a few more attempts at paying with my card it was clear that the eftpos machine was not going to work and I paid in cash, feeling very lucky to have the correct amount. Disappointed I left the shop with a light purse and a bottle of scotch. As I approached the van I saw that something was wrong, just in the half hour I’d been in the shop the van had been painted with childish looking flowers and trees, dismayed I walked around the van surveying the damage. I reached the back and found the culprits sitting inside the boot, they were three girls dressed in worn out loosely fitting clothes, their ages I could not guess. There was no anger in me, despite the damage they had caused to the van. I got in the van through the side door and sat with them to chat. They were local girls who lived at the end of the road which ran beside the liquor store, that road is very steep, so steep that a person can’t walk up or down it unaided, but somehow it is fine to drive on... The girls are from a very large family, there ere in excess of 15 children, I don’t know the exact number because the girls didn’t tell me, they just pointed to the big red van a few meters away and said the people in it were all their siblings, they were mostly young children, but there were a few teenagers too, they were all dressed alike, in worn out loosely fitted, light coloured clothes. The girls explained that the drunken man in the liquor store is their father and they had been sitting in the big red van waiting for him to finish work. They normally don’t leave their home, their parents prefer to keep them isolated, but this day they all went to work with dad. Despite leaving the shop, their father hadn’t yet returned to the van to take them home. I assumed that the girls would be very naive about the world, they had been home schooled and hardly left their home up on the steep, un-climbable hill. My assumption was wrong, despite their isolation they were very informed and held good conversation. The older of the girls, whose age I still don’t know had just returned from studying in the UK, it seems the enforced isolation has its limits, she was expecting some friends from uni to arrive in Australia later that day and was excited about them coming to stay with her family up the big steep hill. As we were getting into the conversation and starting to enjoy one another’s company their father returned and they had to go. I was saddened by the prospect of never seeing them again – I was not game to drive up that hill – but the older girl told me I’d see her the next day because our brothers are on the same football team, I just had to go and watch his game. I didn’t even know that my brother played football but I agreed to meet her there. The big red van full of children departed just as my friends got back from their shopping. My friends loved the floral additions to our old blue van. One of my friends went into the liquor store to use the lavatory while we waited for her in the van.

One of my milder dreams.