Gone Cancer Gone

At the end of 2009 my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer, towards the beginning of last year he was told it had advanced to a pelvic bone, there’s not much you can do once it’s in the bones, but he’s been receiving pretty intensive treatment anyway. He had an MRI last week - it was test week in our family! Dad’s was a full body, he was in that tube a jolly long time and he hated it, his oncologist whom he probably loathed at the time wanted to see where else in his bones the cancer was. The answer, nowhere, not even where it started! So daddy is no longer an advanced cancer patient, he’s just got normal prostate cancer, which is a much smaller burden for him to carry. I think writing this I felt some kind of appropriate emotional response, which is an answer to some pretty intense prayer I received on Saturday, or a very delayed processing of daddy’s illness, or both, probably both. 

It Worked

Rico and I just got back from a walk, he’s a happy boy, but I’ve just spent a week of energy, something I have even less of at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s the drugs or the illness it’s self, but doing anything at all is so hard, I’ve cut back on the sleepers to see if it helps at all. Despite being worn out I’m glad to be where I am now, pre admission I was a mess, and now I’m pretty stable, who knew mood stabilisers would have that effect! Who knew they’d work, I can hardly believe it! I’ve had one strong self harm urge and a couple of medium strength suicidal urges since discharge, and considering I’m a bit anxious about the whole MS thing and I thought everyone in the world hated me, that’s not too bad. I need to get whatever is exhausting me sorted, I should be going to uni this afternoon – not going to happen!

I just realised it has been over two months since any cutting, more than that since an OD and a few weeks since a little incident in hospital. I'm actually doing well, so all in all a happy little post today.

A Week

I left hospital on Wednesday, and so far all is well. Forgive my short posts of late, my brain is fuzzy and finding words to put in a sentence is really hard. I’ve been passing time knitting and crocheting also playing Portal 2; Logic isn’t one of my strengths so I tend to take a while to get through each test chamber or area, and I’ve resorted to cheating four times, but it’s still fun.

Women’s weekend was good, I attended less than half the meetings / activities, but I’m glad I went; It tired me out so no church last night and no small group tonight. I hope I’m up to going to uni tomorrow, I’ve already missed two weeks and have not done any reading. I know I’ve been playing Portal and knitting, but it’s a different type of attention, I’m not in a learning frame of mind.

I saw a neurologist last Tuesday (that’s why my discharge was delayed) and there was enough concern to send me for an MRI, but not enough to go running through the city screaming. The MRI was on Friday morning but I couldn’t get another appointment for the results until August 19, she’ll call if it’s anything urgent, but since there’s not a great deal of urgency in dealing with MS (the big suspicion) I don’t know if that means she’d call for that and I can feel relief in a few days if the phone doesn’t ring or if I have to wait a month. I don’t want MS, I’ve got enough illnesses! I wasn’t going to write about that at all or until I know the outcome because of the predictable comments “All you do is whinge and look for things to worry about, there are people out there with real problems like MS which you’re just convincing yourself you have to get attention” etc. I had trouble with last week’s blog comments, I suspected my friends of leaving them, I thought everyone hated me. I just wanted to share my tiny bit of joy. As a result I’ve changed the comment requirements, no more hiding behind anonymous, I know it’s quicker to post that way, but it’s not an option anymore.

Roof and Top

I’m now leaving on Wednesday, hopefully no later, it depends on something happening (or not happening) on Tuesday, I’ll report that after the fact.

I bought myself some daffodils yesterday; they’re such a happy flower, I hope they stay alive until I leave.

There was a meeting today with Dr, Mummy and me me me me me, it went better than I expected.

And the big news shouted from the roof tops is... I don’t have BPD, just a few symptoms which are most likely side effects of SSRIs since they coincided with the beginning of my SSRI treatment. For you anti drug people, going off the SSRIs is not an option, the OCD and anxiety they are controlling is too debilitating. I will still be referring to BPD as shorthand for the symptoms I have, but it’s not my tattooed label anymore.

Own Feet

I’m most likely leaving on Monday; it will be two days shy of a four week stay. In some ways I am much better, in others not so. The new drug regime is working as much as you can expect it to short of a miracle, side effects are plentiful, but I’m most annoyed by the shaky hands – dry mouth previously mentioned is improving. I’ve attended art nearly every day, and completed 6 pieces / projects and have two on the go. Art provides three hours a day to get sucked into something other than my head, it’s good. The studio is very well stocked here, in the previous hospital you could tell art therapy (and open studio) was the poor cousin to the other groups on offer. Art therapy here is very unstructured, the art is the therapy, at my old hospital we had only one hour, half of which was spent making art with set materials and a subject, and then we had to talk about it; that was a chore, this is enjoyable. Random internet folk have taught me how to knit and crochet in the last fortnight, though it took a human (R) to show me how to cast on. I’ve now knitted a headband and lots of other stuff I’ve torn apart because it was just practise.

There was a new admission this evening, has to be a first timer! I couldn’t tell who the patient was because the whole family was here – parents in their 50’s, their adult and teenage children, partners of children (evident by baby bump and proximity of partner), everyone was crying and fussing. My guess is there was a little incident at family lunch, it shocked everyone except the sufferer (mum is my guess) who has been hiding well, they went to ED and because they’re insured ended up here, I think that’s how it works when there are actually beds available and you’re not on a blacklist! They all looked so uneasy, mummy joined the freak show and now they have to visit her and hope not to be contaminated by the other more freaky freaks she’s been dumped with. That’s my interpretation of what they were thinking based on 20 minutes of spying over dinner. I remember my first few days in psych hospital; I was terrified and very alone. She’ll settle in.

I’m a bit scared about going home, I’m definitely not fine, but I can’t live in hospital, a part of me would like to. I’m looking forward to hanging with Rico again and being in my own house, though this week will be spent at my parents’. I’m not sure I’m looking forward to anything else; I’m lonely at home and most people my age work, I can’t put the friendship burden on too few people, history shows they sink.

To Lie?

One of the lovely side effects of Zeldox is dry mouth, it’s a symptom of many of the psychiatric drugs, but never one I’ve had, until now; It’s awful! Mummy is bringing sugar free lollies and gum tomorrow (Dr suggested it!) My mouth is really bad at the moment though and I’m a little sad that I don’t have unescorted leave, if lollies and gum are the answer, there’s a Coles around the corner screaming my name.

Two weeks until the women’s weekend, I don’t think I’ll be well enough, I’m only getting out of here soon if I lie to my psychiatrist, and that would defeat the point of coming in. A friend (B) for regular comment readers shared this article with me, it’s interesting, have a look if you wish. It made me a little sad though because the queen of DBT herself acknowledged that recovery requires a degree of good luck (among other things) Luck and I don’t live in the same hemisphere, when I travel so does she! Still, a good read.

A Lazy List

• Two weeks in hospital today.
• It would be lovely if you came to visit, I only have accompanied leave and it’s starting to feel like a prison.
• There has been an influx of ex patients of the hospital I was banned from; this is mostly a good thing.
• This morning got off to a comical start. There were no cornflakes, so I had Nutri-Grain, it was stale so I threw it away. I then put the croissant bought for me by a friend yesterday in the conveyor toaster, it caught fire (not just a little bit) then I dropped it on the ground. I satisfied my appetite with Wheet-Bix but the honey had run out and that’s what I like to put on them. Later I went to retrieve my clothes from the tumble dryer, only to find it had stopped working over night and they were still wet. Finally I poured myself a glass of water from the carafe in my room, overshot the glass and got water all over the bed side table and in the top drawer.
• I’m starting Zeldox tonight, it was supposed to be last night but they didn’t have any in stock; it’s similar to Seroquel, but without the weight gain, and it’s going to cost me a millionty dollars because it’s not on the PBS. I was wrong about Valdoxan, that's a totally different drug.
• I’ve been very careful to behave in here, there have been a few slip ups - hence the no unaccompanied leave; but I think overall it’s going well. I’ll be here at least another week, I’m hoping to be out in time for the church women’s weekend, I’ll be missing the Young Adult one this coming weekend, I was looking forward to that because I haven’t met many of the younger young adults. 
• Rico finally got groomed, he looks much better and I can now maintain his coat without all the matted hair in the way. I haven’t forgotten about Lester by the way, I miss him, but he really is better off at my parents’.