A Post on Faith

Tonight I stayed back after church for some prayer regarding my salvation or lack of, it fit in well with the passage preached on tonight and the answer I was given is to obey, believe that Jesus is the messiah and obey God's commands. God wouldn't want me to jump off the Bolte bridge, so I shouldn't, God wants me to continue going to church so I should. I may not feel anything, but I've accepted Christ, from there I'm doing what I can. I know there are many people within the (wider and my) church who are suffering and holding onto their faith just fine, in some cases it has made them even stronger; for me it hasn't worked that way. I'm hanging in there, going to church and feeling inadequate as I watch the people around me raise their hands in worship while I struggle to make myself sing and mean the words coming from my mouth. I bow my head in prayer and just feel like I'm sending thoughts off to the floor. I read my bible sometimes at home, not as much as I should, but again it feels like nothing, just like I'm reading any other book that I'm not enjoying, but I still try and I think that deserves some credit. I still pray nearly every night as well as little ones throughout the day but I still feel like I'm praying to nothing. My athiest readers will be thinking "well that's because you are", but I don't think I am. I believe there is a God who cares about me and listens to me, but I just can't connect with him. I want to be dead, I don't like the thought of leaving hurt people behind, but I love the thought of being with Christ and away from my troubles here. L wants me to go back to hospital because these thoughts are becoming worse, maybe she's right. I don't want to hurt people, that's totally against my nature, I just want to be free.