Back Again Back Again

After the last two posts it feels wrong to come back saying I’m ill again a little quote “I don’t know how to move on from being acutely sick” – well it seems the answer is, don’t. I got a urgent appointment with my Dr, I’ll see him tomorrow and ask to come off all my meds and try TMS or even ECT, they both work for anxiety as well as depression and it is currently taking seven drugs to poorly control my condition. TMS will mean a 4 week admission plus one weekend a month forever, ECT means 2 to 3 weeks plus a bit of maintenance when I need it, but I’m no Dr and can’t prescribe myself a course of either therapy. I think he’ll want to play around with drugs more, but I’m sick of it and so is my body.

I’m spending the week at my parents’ being looked after, it’s good because I don’t have to do anything but bad for the same reason. At home at least I’d have nice places to walk Rico (he’s with me) and I could go out with friends for coffee, I only have two friends out this way and they work full time, plus I haven’t showered in days and the thought of doing so makes me want to cry, so I don’t think a catch up is really on the cards, actually I have to shower before my outreach worker comes in the morning, it’s something she chases me up about... I would like to die peacefully in my sleep tonight – that is not a suicide threat, just how I feel.