I had a little birthday gathering today, it was poorly attended, as have all my parties been since birth (except my 21st which was held very early) due to end of year celebrations, Christmas parties and family gatherings clashing. Still, with over three quarters of my guests missing and the weather being a tad on the cold side I had a nice day. I’m missing church as I write, I had a nap and overslept...
I haven’t written for a while, that’s because I don’t want to bore you with “The Adventures of Rico and K The tale of how a mentally ill girl and her anxious dog navigate life” It would include walks, window frame scratching, rolling in dead birds and both characters sleeping far too much. I still don’t have much to say, but thought I’d record my party. I started taking Seroquel again, it’s already putting weight on me and making me lethargic, my choice is taking an appetite suppressant or stopping the drug; stopping would be annoying because it has lifted my mood further and decreased my anxiety, in my brain I think I’m quite normal with this concoction of drugs (Lovan; Abilify; Epilim; Seroquel; Circadin; and Imovane) but it may be that my body isn’t so happy with it.
It’s an odd experience being well (enough), I don’t want to kill myself anymore, I don’t want to hurt myself anymore, the very thought of doing so scares me. I want to drop this drug weight so I have more energy to physically do things, I want to look like I did a few years ago so I’m not completely repulsive to men; I want a boyfriend so much, I hate being single but there’s a shortage of eligible Christian men, let alone good ones. Sometimes I want M back, it wouldn’t work (and he wouldn’t have me) but I miss the feeling of love, it’s weird, I felt it even though he said he stopped loving me two years before the relationship ended. Maybe what I felt and miss was my own love for him. I gather if you love God as much as you should you’d have a similar feeling, kind of safe and warm, but I’m still getting there. I don’t know how to move on from being acutely sick, I can’t do much with the lethargy, and my anxiety still peaks under pressure, but I fear I might get bored and self sabotage again if left where I am. Next semester I’ll pick up another uni subject, that should help, one online subject isn’t much to keep me occupied, two on campus should help my dilemma. I’ve volunteered my services to Mind Australia to be the person I wish I had in the depths of my illness to someone else – a person to say it doesn’t go on forever and with patience you can come out the other side. I just hope I stay on this side; there are many middle aged and elderly people in the hospitals, apparently you don’t stay well forever either (I might not tell the people I work with that bit).
K, I've been reading through your blog – what a terrible burden you've been given to bear! My head is spinning – forgive me for dumping these thoughts on here.
ReplyDelete1. Shall we start a group for singles where we gather to merrily slap happily married folk who encourage us with the thought that we'll 'find the right person in time?' (Actually, sometimes it can be really encouraging to hear. But sometimes, godsDAMNit.) To be honest, the main reason I left your party early today was that a girl there I quite fancy I know doesn't fancy me at all, and I'm completely pathetic dealing with that emotion.
2. Thank you for sharing your sufferings on this blog. Because we need to hear this. We need to share it, even if only for the moment that we're reading the words on the screen. Because it's good for us. Because it brings us closer to God.
I'm sorry you've been burned by the 'happy evangelical' facade, made to feel like you, who are suffering, don't belong in the church, or maybe that you don't love God enough, or that in some other way you're doing it wrong. Because you do belong, and you love as much as any of us, and you're not doing it wrong at all.
The evangelical facade is often (though thank God, not always), just that, a facade. So many Christians wrestle with doubt, loneliness, and even depression, and I wonder how many can't find voice for that and feel pressure to hide it behind faces of confident faith.
But the Bible is the record of a people who wrestle with God (the name 'Israel' literally means 'he wrestles with God'.) I'd guestimate that the suffering/triumph split is about 70/30 in favour of suffering. The Old Testament aches. It groans. It tells the story of a people who categorically fail in every possible way, and of a God who weeps and rages as a cuckolded lover despairing over the love who has rejected him. And the New Testament, though it gleams with the bright light of the resurrection, is at least as full of confusion, failure, infighting and martyrdom as it is with miracles and glory.
(Interesting aside: when Paul cites his bona fides, he doesn't refer to miracles he's witnessed or evangelistic success, but how much he has suffered – it's all in 2 Corinthians.)
The hope that we proclaim, in the light of the resurrection, is that all of this is going somewhere, that nothing is wasted, that everybody matters, and that one day our faith will be vindicated and love will triumph over all. But before the radiance of Easter Sunday comes Good Friday and the awful blackness of a God who screams to heaven and is ignored: 'My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?'
So we need you, K. We need you and all the pain you've been given to bear. It's part of us and who we are, and if it doesn't seem to fit with the sanitised walls of the church, then the problem is the walls, not the pain.
(I've re-posted this as a note on facebook - I hope you don't mind.)
Thanks for your thoughtful comment. It is hard being in the church when you don't feel like a shiny Christian. I want to be a youth leader, but I fear my scars will mean I can't (they also have heaps of leaders already), which sucks because teenagers struggle with this too and sufferers can spot, and potentially help their fellow sufferers very easily, this has already happened for me within the church, it's my turn to give back.
ReplyDeleteI'm a lot better now and don't scare people off, but it would be amazing if there was an understanding in the congregation that you need to get past the facade of a sick person to see them and help them. Until recently I walked around church with a grumpy face on and glazed eyes. I wanted to be loved by the congregation but was sending out "piss off" signals, it didn't take people in the know long to get past this, but I think it has had a huge impact on my settling into the church.
This blog has been a huge help to me, it allows my friends into my head and shows them what I need; and informs strangers and acquaintances about mental health in general, something we all need a better understanding of.
I want to write more but I have to head out, thanks for a good meaty comment, you're welcome back anytime.
This blog definitely opens a window onto severe depression. The stuff about the acute desire to self-harm, for instance - I just had no idea that even existed.
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