Fear

I wrote a post last night which inadvertently scared at least one person. I had the police called on me again because I mentioned I'd been feeling suicidal this week among some other things which I'm not silly enough to write twice. I don't think I'm brave enough to go through with suicide, it's very final and my plan is not one you can come back from. I'm scared of hell because I'm not 100% sure of my salvation, I know it's not about feelings, but I never feel anything and the whole Christianity thing just feels like a big effort; I think it's only fear keeping me from walking away, I do value my church, the people are great and have been very loving toward me even though I'm still quite new, I think they'd be sad to see me leave and I'd be much more lonely without them.  I feel like I'm in a rut that I can't get out of. I don't think I can get a job because I'm too foggy, and if I did get one keeping it would be hard when I can't get up in the mornings. I don't think I have it in me to get through uni, especially with the high marks needed to move into research. So this leaves me poor and bored for the rest of my life, the idea sinks my heart.

I'll try not to write any more alarming posts, it wasn't my intention to scare anyone last night, but if it does happen again calling me is better than calling the police. Friends can help, police I just lie to in order to get rid of them as fast as possible

Work

I had my first job interview in 3.5 years last week and I screwed it up royally, I was super nervous and spoke like a mouse, not good for a call centre job! Despite this I was offered a second interview but I wonder if she changed her mind, she was supposed to email me some forms and I haven't received them, also I haven't heard back about the date and time of the next interview. A friend today said that with my voice I'm probably not suitable for working the phones because I'm not bubbly, it's true, I speak with little expression these days it's too much of an effort to give any more to the conversation than the mere words, I didn't used to be like that and I wonder if I'll ever get the old me back. I'm really down at the moment, I got rejected for another job today (also call centre), I'm 27 and I can't even get a simple call centre job - a job I've done well in the past for three seperate employers. Maybe I'm just not ready to be working, I mean it's impressive that I'm still alive maybe I'm pushing my self too hard, but I feel lazy doing nothing (arghhhhh). In October unless I get really sick again I'm going to lose my disability pension, I need a job before then and I also need to be in better health so I can manage the load of uni and work, the idea terrifies me, suggestions anyone?

Wobbly Car

I ended up not going back to hospital, I was offered a bed on Friday, but by then I was feeling much better. I did one of the things I'm not supposed to last week, I reduced by half the amount of Epilim I'm on. Epilim is the drug likely causing the weight gain and I was getting seriously depressed every time I walked passed a mirror (I still do but I feel pro-active about it now) so I decided to take action without waiting another week and a half to see my dr, we'd talked about coming off it anyway, I just beat him to it. I haven't seen any results yet, but I'm not totally off it, and it's only been six days. One of the things I get despondent about is my lack of a man and being fat isn't going to help that situation change and it's all a big catch 22; I got really sick and started needing extra medication after my break up and I'm stuck feeling lonely and highly medicated with no one looking twice at me because I resemble a small car. I don't exercise as much as I should, but I move, I walk Rico daily and my diet could be better, but it's consistent, there is no difference between now and when I was 30kg lighter, there have been times when I've been ravenous and have sated those desires, that's probably where the weight came from, I guess it takes more than just going back to normal to shift it.

 I've applied for a couple of jobs and looked into short courses - there aren't any suitable for me at the moment, I missed the start dates for a few and the rest are either really expensive or only a couple of hours a week (and expensive). Tonight has been a chilled night in listening to this years' hottest 100 cd which I bought today, I was disappointed to find only 42 of the 100 songs on it, it's the first one I've bought and I didn't even think to check how many songs were on it, anyway, it's a nice compilation. 

Yo Yo

I'm currently weighing up whether or not to go back to hospital; I spent the early hours of Tuesday morning in ED because I knew I was going to either cut or OD at home, my mood had been getting worse by the day and then hit rock bottom. The result of my ED trip was just talking to the psych triage nurse and getting an appointment for later in the day with the psychiatrist covering for my own - he's nearly always on leave - She would have admitted me there and then but there were no beds so I was told I'd have to wait two to three days. I don't know what to do, what good will another admission be? Maybe I need to settle in better in my new household; I can't have more TMS because they think it wouldn't work.

L and I were talking tonight and decided I really need to be doing more - something I already knew but didn't know how to go about. I'm going to find a short course to fill this semester with, something where grades don't matter but will force me into a routine, that or a job; I'm thinking acting classes, but it's hard to find something more than a couple of hours a week, I want a few days

Flowers From God

God gave me some flowers yesterday, they're lovely. You may think he can't do that but he can through other people. Last week the woman who was praying with me had a vision of God giving me some flowers, so she bought be a bunch and gave them to me - well not in person, I left church early last night so a friend dropped them around on her way home. They came just at the right time; I left church because I was feeling really down and out of place and was home alone thinking of taking all my pills when there's a knock at the door and sweet smelling flowers shoved (not literally) in my face. Today I got through with my mum taking me out for lunch and walking and bathing Rico; tonight has been spent watching House, Dance Moms (trash, but addictive) and The Simpsons. I'm waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in so I can be rid of another day but it's been over an hour. Tomorrow I'll be able to speak to the person replacing my Dr for the week and hopefully something can be done to stop this downward spiral before it gets out of hand

Theatre Envy

Tonight L, her friend another L and I went to Theatreworks to see two plays by last year's NIDA directors graduates, they were Howl directed by Daniel Lammin, and Thirst, directed by Eugene O'Neill, both were excellent; Thirst was beautiful, and Howl very moving and it seems provocative as five audience members left! It put me in a writing mood, but now by time I've got home, settled in and sat down the urge is gone and I just feel depressed. My mood has been slowly deteriorating throughout the week, I haven't even been out of hospital a full week, but I already feel I need more TMS, looks like I'll be going on the maintenance program! They told me to call up if I felt things were going wrong, I just hope they'll be able to help me despite my doctor being on leave, I don't want to wait until he gets back for anything to be done. I'm yet to act on them but my self-harm urges are quite strong and I don't think I can keep them at bay for much longer, especially when part of me is already resigned to losing the battle, I gave into them twice in hospital only in minor ways, I want to do it properly now.

I want to go to bed and escape the world but I've run out of sleeping tablets and I've slept about 15 of the last 24 hours, I don't like my chances tonight, shit!

Writing

I've deferred this semester of uni to write (and read), and so I must get to it. I'm starting to doubt I have it in me to be a writer though, I lack the vocabulary - the reason I need to read more - and I can't punctuate, story I can deal with, but I'd like to be better. I'm sure we'd all like to be better at what we do, but I don't do much so I feel it's important to be able to confidently say "My name's K and I can write." To help me with this L has set me a challenge to write a page a day despite whatever is going on and I'm determined to read a lot more even when my brain is mushy and the words mean nothing to me, at the very least I can find a word I've never or rarely come across and add it to my vocabulary. I'm currently reading The Lost Dog by Michelle de Kretser for the second time, it is very good for this purpose, as well as being a good read it is quite intellectual and features Melbourne's arts scene.

I'm tired now, good night.

Religion Resolution

I had a long chat with a well respected woman at church last night, the best bit was a bible verse she pulled out of thin air for me; Jeremiah 6:16 This is what the LORD says: "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." But you said "We will not walk in it." The ancient path being that walked by God with his footprints, basically follow God and my soul will find rest. I admitted that I felt I was at a stage where I could easily walk away but she encouraged me to keep going.

L moved in today, the house was a flurry of activity for most of the day; S is moving in tomorrow, so the fun will continue. It's actually like having three people move in at once because I've got two and a half months worth of stuff to bring back from hospital (and my little break in between the two admissions). I ate junk food today, I've been trying and succeeding to eat healthier lately since I've gained so much weight, maybe tomorrow I can get back on track, though we are planning household celebratory drinks...

AFES

This showed up on Facebook today, it was shared by one of my friends, who I know also suffers; but it made me a little bit angry. It's the first Christian literature I've come across concerning depression and anxiety, and it is so shallow, with its ultimate point being "there there, God will come back in the end and everyone will be better". Well that's kind of one of the reasons I want to kill myself, everything will be better then! I think I'm also angry because God has done nothing to make me better, or even give me a reprieve, he's given me a few good friends which I'm grateful for, but TMS made me better, and before that Epilim, both have high success rates, so it's no miracle that they worked. Maybe God planned for me to get better this way and to have a rough journey, but I'm not happy with it. TMS has made me really teary, I cry at the slightest thing now, including writing this, I used to have tear ducts of stone...
I've had a bad week and am still in hospital, I was supposed to leave yesterday, but now it's hopefully Saturday. I still think TMS worked because I'm managing bad situations in a much more mature way than I would have without it; and I've had a number of challenges to test me whilst I've been here. I have two new house mates now, L is one of  them, I can't wait to be living with her and our house will look amazing because she has art and can make it and has an amazing photographer as a best friend.