Speaking Too Soon

I write to you at the end of day two cold turkey. So far it hasn’t been as bad as I was anticipating, that said there will still be plenty of the drug in my system so the fun will probably start soon. Until now all I’ve had is increased dizziness, increased shakiness, a headache and increase tiredness; I can cope with that. What I can’t cope with, however, is my leg getting sorer and uglier. It’s summer so I’m wearing shorts but it looks like someone has taken an apple corer to my leg. The sores are dressed now but they had some time out on the town this afternoon when I went to buy new dressings. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have this take over your whole body, you’d probably die from the pain before it got chance to block your airways.

I’m trying to make a couple of Christmas cards tonight, it’s hard with the room being on a funny angle, the paper constantly moving and tools jumping out of my hands.

The Rash

Just when things start to look up...

I moved house on Saturday and I love it, I have one house mate and one potential, both I like. On Saturday morning as I was getting excited about the move I noticed a blister on the back of my shin, it was a little sore so I covered it with a band aid and thought little of it – maybe it was from my jeans rubbing against it I thought (although this has never happened before). It seemed the only logical explanation so on I go with the packing and moving saga. After the excitement and stress of the move died down and I was left alone in my beautiful new home I had a nap. I woke up with a new blister a little below the first, at this stage I became worried, firstly thinking it was the dreaded Lamictal rash which means you have to stop the medication – one I think is actually working. Then my mind went into overdrive and started to diagnose me with all of the worst conditions known to mankind; telling myself this was stupid I then returned to the original thought that maybe my jeans had been cruel to me and off I trotted to F’s Christmas party; although I was sore all night I had fun.

Following F’s party I experienced a strange feeling of contentment, this continued throughout Sunday even today. Everything was going well, I enjoyed a party rather than cowering in a corner, Church was good and I even paid attention and did I mention I love my house! The contentment faded as I became troubled by the increasing pain of the blisters and not convinced by my jeans excuse. I rolled on down to the GP and... Stop Lamictal, get off Lamictal, stop it now, no actually wean off it, no stop it now, ummmm I don’t know, call your old psychiatrist but stop it now, no come off it 50mg every three days, that’s what my computer tells me but that’s just for normal discontinuation ummmmmm do that! He was of course a little subtler that that, but it was the general feel of the consultation.

A little about the Lamictal rash: It isn’t just a rash, if ignored it can develop into Stevens-Johnson Syndrome or Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis, both potentially fatal diseases in which the skin detaches from other layers, welts and dies, airways become blocked and it’s just generally bad. The GP’s advice is not to be taken lightly but I think before reducing my dose tomorrow morning I will try to get advice from someone with more knowledge in the area. If the GP is wrong about the rash then I’m coming off a drug which has helped me, if he’s wrong about weaning off it rather than cold turkey then I could advance to one of the above conditions. Be it weaning or cold turkey I’m going to be feeling very sick for the next two weeks so don’t expect much in the way of posts, maybe the occasional ten word whinge!

To K. Merry Christmas. Lots of love, your body.

Some Purpose

I’m still not too sure what to do with this blog, I think I want to talk more about borderline personality disorder rather than just random things going on in my life; there will still be updates on me, I think they are useful and provide a personalised description of what it is like to live with borderline. I suffer also from anxiety and depression, but they are better understood (not by everyone) so I will not include much information or musings about them.

So Borderline...

This is from Wikipedia but my psychologist told me it’s actually accurate because it’s straight from the DSM:

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, DSM IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines borderline personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as:^[1][14]

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.      Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. 

2.      A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3.      Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4.      Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behaviour covered in Criterion 5

5.      Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.

6.      Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7.      Chronic feelings of emptiness

8.      Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9.      Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

As stated above, one only needs to display five of these symptoms to be diagnosed as borderline - I lack many of them, thankfully.

A little more information about the actual sufferer rather than just the cold hard facts of the symptoms:

·         BPD is a complex disorder that is often misunderstood.

·         Not all people who harm themselves have BPD. While self-harm is common among people with BPD, not all those who do this have the disorder. People may self-harm for other reasons such as low self esteem, to momentarily express and release emotional pain or even to punish themselves. This may relate to a mental illness, a disorder or emotional problem unrelated to BPD.

·         People with BPD are not ‘bad’. The anger and rejection that people with BPD display mean they are sometimes labelled as ‘bad,‘ ‘manipulative’ or ’attention-seeking’. While things they do may at times lead to confusion, distress or inconvenience for other people, it should be remembered that this behaviour results from feelings of fear, loneliness, desperation, or hopelessness associated with BPD.

·         People with BPD can get better. Contrary to common belief, people with BPD can recover well with appropriate ongoing treatment and support. While there is no cure yet, BPD is a treatable disorder.

http://www.sane.org/information/factsheets-podcasts/160-borderline-personality-disorder

A little aside on self harm as it confuses most people:

The only people I’ve encountered who understand self harm are professionals and people who’ve been there. Self harm is not a half hearted suicide attempt or attention seeking - though often it needs medical attention. People usually do it in areas which aren’t seen by the general public - this is to avoid the attention. There are exceptions to this, sometimes the impulsivity totally takes over and the most convenient area of skin is used, there can also be hesitation marks from when more serious action is considered but when it comes to it cowardice (or sense) wins. These exceptions are the only scars you might get a glimpse of.

Today a friend of mine who I met in hospital joined a facebook group called Borderline Personality Disorder Support Page – I joined too. Through this page I found a few other helpful websites, I will use them to help me write some future posts.

I can’t credit this image to any particular person; I don’t like to use things I can’t reference so to do my best I can say it is from the facebook page of the group just mentioned and can be found in the wall photos folder. It is a little gory, but it tells you more than I could ever write.

A little me update:

My birthday sucked. Coffee with C in the morning was the only saving grace, it just went downhill from there; five valium only just got me through the day. I was very emotional about not having M around to celebrate with me; my dad was drunk (not an unusual occurrence) and not being very nice and I didn’t even have a birthday cake, I was going to make my own but lacked the energy.

Side effects from Lamictal are getting a lot worse. Every afternoon - I think as it’s starting to wear off - I get very dizzy and tired; my vision is becoming poor and I feel dumb; I have a poor vocabulary, no memory and a poor attention span. I saw my GP on Thursday for prescriptions to get me through to my psychiatrist appointment on Jan 12. I asked her if she would be comfortable changing the doses around because this really isn’t a great way to feel. She said she could but was very reluctant as it’s not her area and she could very easily make me worse, so I have to stick it out for one month and one day (not that I’m counting).

I interviewed a prospective housemate today, she loved the house and we got along well, she’s agreed to move in; now I just have to find one more person. Move is on the 18^th, I can’t wait to be back in the East.

Spinster

In a matter of hours I will be 26. Last year I was horrified to turn 25, that’s half way to 50 and I’d achieved little in that time. This year feels worse. I have done nothing at all this year. I have an increased number on my age and nothing to show for it, at 27 my mum had me. Unless I have a drastic character change I won’t be a mother in the next 12 months - and only the tiniest part of me wants to anyway. I like the idea of not having children too late; it means that once they all get to school you are still young enough to pursue our own interests with the time they demand and that you might still have some energy in you to play with grandchildren.

Last year for my birthday M bought me a lovely present and took me on a day trip to Healesville. We had a great time and the day was followed with one of, if not the best meal I have had the pleasure of consuming, this was at Mt Rael. Go there! This year my birthday will be celebrated without M, I will meet my lovely C for coffee in the morning, this will be the best part of the day; I anticipate fantastic coffee given where we are going and you can’t beat C for company. When I return home I will kill a few hours around the house until mum gets home from work and showers me in gifts; gifts I will be grateful for because many of them will help me establish my new home, but they are just things, they won’t change the year I have endured, they won’t give my life purpose, they will just fill my kitchen cupboards.

Yesterday I saw my psychologist for the last time, as she’s going off on a baby making adventure. I wish her all the best, but it kind of sucks as she was the last of my health care professionals from the pre break up and meltdown era. The new psychologist should be good for me, she specialises in borderline, but as I’ve probably already said, I can’t see her until January at the earliest.

I’m starting to think more about the purpose of this blog, I don’t want it to be little more than an online journal, but I’m not sure what I do want it to be. I know I want to continue with it but perhaps in a less ‘dear diary’ sort of way. I have some thinking to do, sadly thinking isn’t my greatest skill at the moment!

I Have a Date

I seem to be having a good week: I’ve been approved for the house I like, the first one I actually liked enough to apply for! I won a lovely lounge suite on eBay, it fits my tastes perfectly; I’ve had a response to one of my house-mate ads and she seems perfect, we haven’t met yet and she hasn’t seen the house (except for the pics) but from what she’s told me about her current house I think she’ll love it, she seems really nice too. I have a new GP close to my new home, she’s great and in the space of two days has found me a permanent psychiatrist, attached to a hospital close to my new home. Down side is I can’t see him until the 12th of Jan, but in the meantime my GP will make sure I don’t run out of drugs. Without my consent my family have booked a holiday to Coffs Harbour from 16th Jan to 23rd Jan; this sucks for four reasons: I am too old for family holidays; I won’t get the alone time I need to stay slightly sane; I hate hot weather and beaches and all that summery crap; and the new psych will need to change my drugs, that is best done as an inpatient but if I’m away I’ll have to do it on my own a few hours flight away from any help.


I hope it’s the drugs doing this and not just me becoming completely stupid; I can’t string a sentence together (in speech) anymore, I find myself stopping mid-sentence looking for the simplest of words, and not just for a moment, the conversation completely halts because I just can’t find a word. My memory is shocking, it’s always been a bit weird, like freakishly good is some aspects and awful in others but at the moment it’s just awful awful awful, mainly short term stuff. I’m becoming increasingly tired, some of this will be due to the extra weight I’m carrying but I just feel like all the life has been sucked out of me. One of the borderline symptoms I relate to most is “chronic feelings of emptiness”; that is how I feel most of the time, like my organs, including brain have all been ripped out and replaced with empty space - that or anger - mostly emptiness though.

Since I can’t have a Great Dane at my new house I’m considering a King Charles Spaniel, I’ve always loved them and I need encouragement to go for walks, what better encouragement than a gorgeous fluffy thing that will look at me with sad eyes if I don’t take it out. The landlord was fine with my cat but I guess a dog is a whole different issue. I’m looking forward to moving my cat out of here, it’s time he remembered who his real friend is, he won’t have a bar of me anymore.