I wrote a post last night which inadvertently scared at least one person. I had the police called on me again because I mentioned I'd been feeling suicidal this week among some other things which I'm not silly enough to write twice. I don't think I'm brave enough to go through with suicide, it's very final and my plan is not one you can come back from. I'm scared of hell because I'm not 100% sure of my salvation, I know it's not about feelings, but I never feel anything and the whole Christianity thing just feels like a big effort; I think it's only fear keeping me from walking away, I do value my church, the people are great and have been very loving toward me even though I'm still quite new, I think they'd be sad to see me leave and I'd be much more lonely without them. I feel like I'm in a rut that I can't get out of. I don't think I can get a job because I'm too foggy, and if I did get one keeping it would be hard when I can't get up in the mornings. I don't think I have it in me to get through uni, especially with the high marks needed to move into research. So this leaves me poor and bored for the rest of my life, the idea sinks my heart.
I'll try not to write any more alarming posts, it wasn't my intention to scare anyone last night, but if it does happen again calling me is better than calling the police. Friends can help, police I just lie to in order to get rid of them as fast as possible
I didn't read the post last night but from what you are saying and the fact it made someone call the police it sounds pretty scary. K, are you aware that medical advice is that is someone has a suicide plan you should call 000? Doctors see this as a serious and very close step towards ending your life. People don't generally have plans to end their life. They have plans to go overseas, or get a new job, or learn Italian. This is really scary K and I don't want to think about you being dead. The things you are saying don't make sense - if you are not brave enough to do it then why have a plan? If you're scared of hell then why commit suicide? If you're scared of hell then why don't you make an effort with your faith? If you're not going to kill yourself then why would you fear walking away from church? Please can you stop focusing on the things you can't do and start thinking about what you can? We've talked about volunteering - there are so many things you could do. You could do a few hours or a few days a week. It would give you something to do, think about and talk about. You wouldn't have homework. You can build up to paid work later, when you've gotten used to a bit of routine again. Can I just remind you that any mention of suicide is alarming - I'm not saying don't mention it, I'm just saying don't expect people to ignore it. And you say you just lie to police but friends can help - I asked you today what I could do to help you with this situation and you said you just needed to work through it. When your working through it includes revising your plan and not accepting the help of your friends, it seems that a caring and frightened friends only choice is to call the police. Nobody wants to go to your funeral, and I think would rather risk your wrath than your death.
ReplyDeleteK this all just makes me so angry. If your life isn't valuable then how is mine? At least you have a degree, you're not saddled with a child, a husband and a mortgage. You have family that loves you and tries to understand you. I don't want to spend time being reminded of all the things in my life that are not as I would hope them to be. Do you know you have written 24 posts that relate in some way to suicide? You don't find that alarming? That is twice as many that have related to God. I would hope if I ever talk about having an active suicide plan as you have, you would call the police - rather than risk attending my funeral.
ReplyDelete21 about church, 12 about God and 10 about faith.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to be saddled with a husband, child and mortgage, but I see where you're coming from; well ok the idea of a mortgage scares me. I know no one wants to go to my funeral, but would you rather I don't tell anyone how I am? This is my means of doing that since I just freeze up when talking to people face to face, I tried to get prayer tonight and couldn't articulate what was going on and that was with someone I've spoken with many times.
I just wrote a whole comment and lost it, BOTTOMS! I will try again later.... fruit loops.
ReplyDeleteBut what is the point of you telling people? You don't want their help when it is offered. You don't want them to stop you and call the police. Do you just want them to feel sorry for you? What will telling people achieve aside from worrying people sick when they can't be allowed to do a thing to help? And I think your response to my previous post says a lot - a husband and child won't help you out of your current situation - you need to love yourself and want to live for yourself before you bring others into your life.
ReplyDeleteWell I don't love myself, I never have, and I can't see a future in which I do. As for rejecting help, I've never done that; if you're referring to that book I didn't read, it's only a book and I didn't read it because I knew nothing about it except it's just another Christianity book, I'd rather stick to the bible - which I am reading more of.
ReplyDeleteI know you're sick too, but our problems and our life situations are very different, so in regards to suicide I don't think you necessarily understand where I'm coming from. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, that's one of the last things I want from people. I want love, I want understanding and I want to keep a record of my life with this illness.
"I don't think you can help, it's something I need to work through" This was your exact reply to me asking "What can I do to help?" So how can you say you don't reject help? No I don't understand where you are coming from in terms of suicide. i think about it everyday too. And everyday I make a choice, that it isn't something I'd ever want to do. That's why i don't have a plan or have notes. Don't get me wrong, I'd love for the pain to be gone in an instant, but I'm putting my faith in God to do that for me, either in life or through death. Everytime suicide comes up in my head I turn straight to God.
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