A List

This isn’t a very long list, until recently I wouldn’t have been able to name one, but here we go. Good things about singleness:

• I can have as many crushes as I like, three is the current count!
• I can fantasise about my future menagerie, with or without a partner who would also like a menagerie.
• I only have my own insecurities to deal with.
• I can diet without something beautiful being eaten in my presence (although I was usually the culprit).
• I get to watch any movie I want, be it at the cinema or at home – though finding someone to accompany me is now harder.
• Without the reality of partner’s career as an anchor I can fantasise about doing almost anything with my life, anywhere in the world.

Feel free to comment, I could do with some additions.

Postscript:

• I can cook with mushrooms, and not omit tomatoes from salads

Return of the Hermit

I received a call at 4:20 this afternoon asking why I was not at my psychologist appointment. Somehow I left our last conversation with the understanding that my appointment was this Friday at 4 she, however, left the conversation with the understanding that my appointment was today at 4:15. I am fortunate that she has a spot available on Friday anyway, but that is very lucky, you don’t miss appointments with such a busy person who could have got their $150 an hour from someone else. One more offence and I’ll be dumped by her too!

It is nice to be home enjoying my solitude, yesterday I didn’t leave the house and saw only my house mate and a man who came to test the smoke alarms. Today was rather busy, I had two catch ups with friends (in the same cafe), bought some vases and flowers and went shopping for a coffee table – I want a massive one which will suit my lounge suite, it is proving difficult to find. Now I’m at home for a short respite before braving the public again to buy salad ingredients; I’m trying to eat as little as possible without passing out, I’m sick of being morbidly obese. I dropped 4kg before Coffs and put on 2kg there, I’m not impressed. The two coffee dates didn’t help my cause today, I only had poached eggs, but I shouldn’t have had the bread. I’m putting off doing the shopping because I currently want to decorate my abdomen and I don’t have razors, I don’t know I’ll have the will power to not buy them and once they’re in the house it’s party time! This is where my food phobias come in handy, I can’t use kitchen knives for such a purpose because then I’d never want to cook with them again, so I can’t just do it on a whim; also my house mate has had a few vege chopping accidents and despite being thoroughly cleaned I couldn’t knowingly use the same knives. On a positive note I’m feeling better than I was a few days ago, sure I want to slice my belly open, but I don’t want to get decapitated by a train today.

I’m interviewing a potential house mate tonight and hopefully another tomorrow, I’m really keen on tomorrow’s, she seems lovely and she comes with a dog!

Pass the Razor

I write this post from Coffs Harbour on the second-last day of a rather ordinary family holiday. The only truly enjoyable thing has been going up to a town called Bellingen (think Sassafras in Victoria but a bit bigger and quieter) where I enjoyed the best rocky road to pass my lips and a surprisingly good coffee - served to me of all places in a vintage clothing and furniture store; the lounge suite was sold from under us and promptly replaced by another one. The scenery here is lovely, and our resort is right on the beach, but I’m really not a beach lover, I just like to walk in the shallow water and listen to the waves.


Unfortunately I feel myself becoming more unwell, the shock of that last psych appointment hasn’t worn off, and has been inflated by my GP’s assurance that BDP never goes away you just learn to manage it. I don’t know how you are supposed to manage constantly feeling like an empty shell, surging waves of anger, self hatred and the constant desire to be dead. It has been hard, but good being constantly surrounded by people this week, I’m quite sure that left to my own devices I’d have added a few more scars to my collection. I’m trying to behave myself until uni starts in March, maybe I’ll love it and have a small reason to live. I don’t want to destroy myself between now and then so that I need another semester to recover. I should have started this course mid last-year; I’m already six months behind the grand plan

This has been one of the hardest posts to write, every sentence slithering its way onto the screen only to be scowled at, deleted, re-written and then deleted again. My head is so full, I feel I could do with Dumbledore’s pensieve (I’m currently reading the Harry Potter series for the first time, I didn’t see the films either).

We'll Help You When You're Better

Today I saw who I thought was my new psychiatrist, I had been looking forward to the appointment thinking it would be the start of getting better. I was wrong, he isn’t taking new patients and it seems my GP referred me to him only for a review, not ongoing treatment. It was a thoroughly useless appointment, after an hour and fifteen minutes I left with the advice to keep taking the medications I’m on, try and get myself into DBT at the Melbourne Clinic, then, once I’m no longer suicidal and struggling with self harm try and get another psychiatrist to see me. I understand his logic, he said that sometimes it is worse for a patient to have lots of medical contact because it reconfirms the idea that they are sick and then they start acting out their diagnosis more. He thinks it is better for me to deal with it myself and get on with life, I wish it was that easy. Basically it’s up to me, I have to decide to get better or get a move on and kill myself. Do any of you have a magic ‘get better now’ potion?

Art Envy

I am currently suffering from art envy, it has been growing slowly but received a boost on Monday during a visit with my friend L, who is suffering almost the exact same illness as me. Despite her illness L continues to perform, create and live. I love her, I envy her, I want to possess the drive and raw talent she has (and the contacts). It has been over a year since I did anything even remotely to do with theatre; I haven’t even been writing, I have grand ideas for plays but I haven’t put them on paper, and I yearn to be back on the stage. I’m not a brilliant actor, but I love it and I don’t completely suck; I am a much better director though. There are countless ideas dancing around in my head, screaming, whispering all longing to get onto the stage. I don’t have actors, a space, the energy or the nerve to just get out there and make art. For three years I have been sitting on a fringe show, not being bold enough to get my act together, afraid of failure –the worst fear an artist can possess, multiple failures are a certainty in this field, something I need to accept and live through.


In March I commence my masters in literature and writing; I am aiming to get into the research strain, which will enable me to do a creative project and will be an acceptable pre-requisite to later do a PhD. I fear this plan is a mistake, and instead of taking the clear cut path through higher education I should be getting my ideas on the stage now, and I can do that because typically my ideas for the stage are very visual and contain little, if any dialogue. Plays like these won’t require the ability to write elegantly; but a time will come when I want dialogue and I will lack the ability to make it beautiful. I could forget about writing entirely and direct the plays of other writers, but I don’t think I’d be satisfied because it’s not entirely mine; I can put a lot of myself into it but I can’t completely possess it, it’s asking enough to let the actors do their thing rather than directing with an iron rod (that’s bad). I think this means the course is a good idea, though I may need to get off my bottom in the meantime and get my fringe show off the ground. Fear rears its ugly head again.

I Have a Blog?

Sorry for my absence, I’ve been completely drained lately so don’t have the strength to research anything meaty to post and there’s little personal happenings worth posting about either. Here are a few short updates:

•  Withdrawal is over, but the rash remains and my vision is still impaired, I've gone from being slightly long sighted to slightly short sighted in very little time.
•  I’m seeing my new psychiatrist for the first time on Wednesday; hopefully he can do something for me, I don’t know how much patience I have left.
• Christmas was boring, the only excitement was of the negative kind, and that was to find I’d been robbed of nearly my entire kitchen – food included!
• I’m not usually one who cares about the year coming to an end, but good riddance to 2010! It won’t be hard for 2011 to be a better year. I welcomed the New Year with my dear friend C and four others, it was nice.
• I’m getting a dog whether the landlord says I can or not! I’ll hide all evidence of its existence prior to house inspections. I think it will be allowed though, it looks like there has been one here in the past.
• I viewed my blog for the first time on a desktop PC and I was mortified to find that my header is almost fluorescent. It seems my laptop screen isn't great. I haven’t bothered to dull it down yet because I’ll have to do it on my parents’ computer and that’s just annoying. Sorry for the brightness – it blends well with the background on my screen, just maybe not yours.