A Long Update

It’s been a while since I blogged, more recent than August as the blog would imply, I deleted the last post for reasons I don’t remember. My memory has been terribly affected by ECT; I’ve forgotten people’s names, which has proved very embarrassing on a number of occasions and I can’t remember most things I’ve done over the last few years, fine details are especially difficult to recall. I have trouble making new memories even now about two months after my maintenance treatments have stopped. I feel stupid, I know I’m not, as my uni marks attest – I had another very good semester, although I was only studying one subject.

I’ve had a few hospital admissions lately, the last one ending only a week ago, that was only a four day admission for observation. Apart from those four days and a couple before going in I’ve been very well for the last six weeks. I’m off all medication except Largactil, which I take only when I need it – that is about once a week. My psychiatrist thinks medication has done me more harm than good, he’s quite surprised by the result of taking me off it all and so am I. I haven’t been happy by any means but I’ve been less suicidal, the temptation to self harm has been minimal and I’m just generally okay.

A couple of months ago my house mates and I received a letter from the real estate agent asking us to move out within 120 days, no reason was given. We had no bad inspections and always paid our rent on time so I suspect the landlord just wanted the house back. I’m now living with my parents again until I find somewhere else back in the East. I’m grateful that I’m welcome at my parents house when I’m too sick to care for my self or when I have nowhere else to go (or anytime really), but it’s hard living here; I’m far away from nearly all of my friends and getting to church takes 45 minutes. I missed a Christmas eve party and the 11pm Christmas eve carols service thanks to the distance and not feeling like the drive. My good friend R and her husband let me stay with them for a few days this week just to have a rest from the chaos of my parents’ house and to be near friends and church; it turned out that I didn’t catch up with any friends while I was there but it was still a nice time. R came with me to inspect a Christian share house on Saturday, the people were lovely but the house was too old for my liking. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable there, It’s a shame because I’d love to live with fellow Christians and I can’t seem to find anything through my church or a couple of bigger ones whose message boards I’ve had a look at. I hope I find somewhere suitable soon I really miss being close to everything.

(After a three hour break)

I just got back from L’s house, my first visit to where she is now living. It was a great night, lovely to see her. I need to start seeing friends more often and doing things in general. I get very bored sitting at home all day, I’ve been filling my time by reading and watching bad television. I’ve thought about getting a job since my health is so much better but I think it’s a bit too soon into my wellness to be doing that, more hospitalisations could be needed, after all I’ve only been out a week since my little admission and it’s only been six weeks since I’ve been generally well. I expect the good health to continue but it is still early days. There’s also the location to consider; if I get a job near my parents for convenience now and then move I’ll regret it and if I get one in the East and I can’t find a house over there for a long time I’ve got a lot of driving on my hands for a while. There’s also the risk that I’ll get accepted into a graduate diploma in education and will have to quit the job or beg for flexible hours. Oooo, I haven’t mentioned that yet… A few weeks ago I applied for that course, I found a uni which has the 12 month course and offers drama as a specialisation, I’ve applied to study part time, so it will actually take me two years but that’s better than the four years it would take me to do the two year course that seems to be everywhere else. Sadly I don’t think I’ll get into the course because I had to put in a very late direct application rather than going through VTAC. The uni offers places to VTAC applicants first and then if there are any left they look to the direct applicants. Not only do I have the lateness against me but my academic record from my undergrad is terrible, I was lazy and sick and so it took me six years to do a three year course and most semesters I was enrolled in four subjects, that means I failed or withdrew from about half of them!

I don’t have anything else to write about, well I can’t remember anything else to write about, there’s probably a lot I’ve forgotten which people are probably surprised I haven’t shared. Oh well, I have to cope with the poor memory and hope it gets better. If my Christian readers could pray for that I’d be appreciative and also that I get into the course, I really need something to fill my time and I think drama teaching would be a good career choice for me it would provide a stable job and I’d get to be creative, I’m good with youth too which is kind of necessary!

ECT maintenance # 2

Tomorrow will be my second maintenance ECT treatment, I feel like I need it. My mood has been declining a little each day and I think that that little spark will pick me up. On top of low mood I've felt completely empty, this is a typical borderline trait which I think is exacerbated by my unemployment and low study load. I've seen one friend this week for a lunch catch up and been to my parents to drop off my dog, other than that I've done nothing. I've just watched a few videos on youtube about ECT, I was curious to see what happened during the procedure, how visible the seizure is, what the doctors do while you're asleep and how long you're out for etc. I think it's different in Australia to the USA, although one of the videos was a little old and things have probably changed since then, it was still performed under anaesthetic but it looked primitive. ECT seems to be working for me, I need the weekly maintenance because my mood doesn't hold for the whole week, but I felt better for a few days after the last treatment and more so during and after the main treatments. The hope is that my mood will continue to improve to the point where the maintenance can be dropped down to fortnightly treatments, I currently don't have faith in that being enough to hold me, but maybe in the future. The only down side to ECT is the effect it's had on my memory, I've been embarrassed on a number of occasions where I can't remember peoples names, places I've been to often and times of events. Tonight I have bible study, I've already had to ask the address but I now need to ask the time, at least I don't have to pretend I know what's going on when I get there because I haven't been since prior to my hospital admission and they'll be studying something different now.

I made the decision to give up my dog on Tuesday as he's been destroying my house every time I leave him alone, I'm pretty sure it's separation anxiety. At my parents he still gets anxious but there's usually someone home, there's more chance with three of them living there and on the occasions he is left alone he's put outside and he can't destroy the window frames as he tries to get inside like he does at my house because my parents aren't wooden like mine. He can't be left inside or in/out with a dog door because he destroys things in the house. I hope my parents decide to keep him, I wouldn't like him to go to a strangers home where I'll never see him again. It's a shame I've had to give him up, he encouraged me to exercise and provided company when home alone, which is a lot at the moment because my new housemate stays out most nights and I don't have a second housemate yet so I'm alone all day, which is fine, but then at night I get a little scared because it's so quiet. I'm interviewing someone for the spare room this afternoon and another person on Sunday, they both sounded lovely on the phone so I hope one of them takes the room.

Awake

Guess who's out of hospital. Me!
My doctor wanted me to stay with my parents for a couple of days, so here I am in the West. It's very inconvenient because I'm interviewing people to fill the remaining spare room in my house. I wish I could turn back time and do whatever I could to keep my two previous housemates, my new one is great, very laid back and easy to get along with but it's proving difficult to fill the remaining room, I've even had a couple of fraudsters from overseas saying they'll take it and asking for addresses to send cheques to, I don't know what they'd do after that but I guess it's some means of getting bank account details. I've got the room paid for until the 15th of August, after that I'm totally screwed.

I'm having my first maintenance ECT on Friday, I'm actually looking forward to it - sick I know, but I love the feeling of the anaesthetic taking effect, I can empathise with Michael Jackson's addiction, though I don't think 10 minutes a week is going to develop into a full addiction...

This is the latest I've been up in months, being out of hospital has produced difficulty sleeping, last night was a fairly late one too, nothing like this though (it's currently 1:46am) I'm currently listening to the cats playing and wondering what else I can write about - uni! that'll do. I missed class last week due to my hospitalisation, I'll make it this week but I'm very behind and it's only week three. We're supposed to hand in a script idea this week, I've got nothing and I need at least a distinction average so I can later switch into research. 2:08am

I've been thinking lately that I'd really like a new boyfriend, someone to share this shit with, someone to create new non-shit memories with and generally share life. I'm sick of being alone. I hope I don't have to wait until I've lost my 30kg of drug weight before someone will look at me twice. I've learnt a lot in the last few years of singleness and looked back on my previous relationship and seen many of the mistakes I made. I think I could make a good girlfriend now. 2:19am

Right now I can't sleep and I feel frustrated and hopeless, I want to take every pill in this house, which is a lot, and includes cancer drugs but I'm being a good girl and abstaining from anything that will send me back to hospital (or the grave)

Sorry for an unexciting post, I just felt like writing. 2:34am

Fright

I know I said I wasn't posting anymore but I feel like I have no outlet without the blog. My parents now know about it thanks to a friend telling my mum, she had my best interests at heart though. So because my parents know about it you can expect me to be a little less candid, I've never been very open with them and I'm not about to start now.

I'm back in hospital having more ECT, this time I'll be having maintenance which means that once a week to once a fortnight I'll go to the hospital for one session, it will be done as an outpatient so I don't have to stay over once a week or anything.

I'm having a tough time at the moment, both of my housemates decided to move out, my overdose is at least partly responsible, I scared them off. No one wants to come home to a corpse and I think that's what concerns them. So basically I totally fucked up by taking that last overdose. I don't think I'll take another one for the purpose of being unconscious. There are other reasons to do it, but I don't feel that way at the moment. Because of this situation I'm pretty depressed and I have the classic borderline hollowness, it's like being filled with air with nails floating around inside you and occasionally one of those nails pierces an organ or bangs into the abdominal wall causing a sharp pain. There is not one positive emotion in me, I suppose I have to take ownership of the borderline label since I embody it. I can't get in to DBT until January so I'm stuck being a crazy borderline until then.

If you can please visit me, we can go down the street to a nice cafe, it doesn't need to be a boring hospital visit. I get pretty lonely, there's one girl who talks to me in passing and L is there but she wants some space. So visitors would be grand.

Goodbye

This blog worries people too much, it was supposed to be an outlet for me and my (often) dark thoughts and feelings. I think it's time for it to come to an end. If anyone is concerned about me just ask and I'll be honest unless I don't think you really want the truth.

Goodbye.
K.

Shared Care

I made it through Monday night all by my self, but the same can't be said for yesterday. I cut my arm and took a reasonable sized overdose, sadly it wasn't enough for me to lose consciousness but it did sedate me and make the afternoon / night fly. I may have drifted off, but the nurses said nothing about it. I don't remember blood being taken, which apparently they did, so maybe I did drift off. Mum has forced me to stay with them for a couple of days until I'm back on my feet, probably a good idea since I'm not walking too straight or breathing very well.

I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon, he'd received a report from the hospital I went to detailing what I'd taken and my psych assessment; he's decided it's time for me to have a case manager, I'm not yet sure what this will involve, they were supposed to contact me this afternoon but haven't. But basically my psych wants my care to be shared between him, the case manager, my psychologist and my outreach worker, oh and he wants me to do DBT which I'm more than a little disappointed about, I thought we'd got past the borderline diagnosis. He's also decided to stop prescribing PRN medications (medications I take when I need them) since they're the ones I abuse, this will make life very tough when I do really need them and will in turn increase my self harm, not a wise move.

I am Woman Hear me Cry

I'm just hanging on at the moment, today has been a big one. I had my psychiatrist appointment at 10, he decided to keep me out of hospital if possible but I'm seeing him again on Wednesday - he's too expensive to see that often - and he's referred me to the women's mental health service because he suspects there's some hormonal shit going on. The women's mental health service actually looks good, I went to their website today to see what to expect; they are a team of two female psychiatrists who do a consult of an hour minimum and try to get to the bottom of why you have these problems and then write a big meaty letter back to your referring doctor offering suggestions, basically they're a specialised second opinion service. I got back from my appointment to find L packing, she's now back in hospital after a rapid decline in her own mental state in the last couple of weeks but especially in the last few days. I'm not so self centered that I think it's my fault, I just hope me being home from hospital hasn't put undue stress on her, I've only been out five days and now she's gone.

I don't know what to do with myself tonight, I want to behave and not worry people and leave my body alone but I have enough meds for an overdose and they are shouting my name. I also have sharps and the temptation is there to use them. I need more friends who I'm comfortable asking to come over and hang at a moments notice. If anyone wants to come over tonight you're very welcome we can watch a DVD and eat chocolate.

Rattle and Dice

Well here I am, awake at 6:43am. I actually woke at 4 something, tried getting back to sleep, tried Ulysses - I'm not actually reading that to force sleep, I want to read it - and now I'm drinking rooibos and vanilla tea and recovering from brushing Rico (the dog), I couldn't find the muzzle so it had to be done very carefully.

I'm seeing my doctor in a few hours and I don't expect him to be dancing around the room with joy upon hearing what I've got to say. My hobbies of the last few days have consisted of not sleeping, staring at walls, yelling at Rico, snapping at my mum and eating very little due to complete loss of appetite and feeling unwell. I was going to take a small overdose yesterday (it's all I have) but then mum called wanting to go out for lunch (Rico had mine). I went to church zoned out for most of it and then went across the road to Safeway to buy some sharps and dressings, then God showed up in the form of two of my closest friends (they're married to each other) from church. I bumped into them at the register and before I had time to hide the contents of my basket I'd been found out. They were gracious enough not to say anything there and instead invited me over for dinner; I accepted, it seemed like a better offer than going home and slicing up my arm, plus I like them. We hung out for a couple of hours, talked about my failed admission and they gently raised the razors issue. I should have agreed to leave them there, but I was in the mindset of needing just to have them in my possession. They prayed for me, God got lots of prayers about me yesterday because a bunch of people met up before church to pray for me too. I know it may seem like it doesn't work but I'd say bumping into those two last night was an answer to prayer for my safety and I'm yet to see the results of their prayers.

My friends drove me home because my vision had gone very blurry, once here I got ready for bed and intended to go straight there, the razors got in the way (sorry friends) I went a little overboard but nothing requiring stitches. I then got a few hours sleep and have now given up on the idea. If this continues I might teach myself Latin, I wouldn't know where to begin, but it would open up a whole literary world to me. I'm furious that I'm too dumb to read Ulysses (James Joyce's this is), well it's not that I'm too dumb, I just haven't had the right education. If my school English teacher were reading this she would say that I couldn't even get a firm grasp of English let alone Latin. My old school teaches it now, too late for me but I'm glad they saw the need for it.

I don't know what else to write, I seem to be angering people with my posts lately and I fear I've overlooked something with this one which will cause someone greif. I'm sorry but please remember what I've got to work with at the moment, a severely depressed, sleep deprived and hungry (although not feeling it, but I must be) body

Home

It's been a while since I last wrote, as a consequence for self harming in hospital the nurses kicked me out of my private room and made me share. I don't share well, I'm an intensely private person and I need to be in control of the noises surrounding me, this is impossible in a shared room especially when the room mate likes to watch TV, my second room mate (I moved twice) really felt the cold and had the heater on full constantly, that wasn't the worst part though, she used a heat pack because she was really really cold, she over heated the pack and it smelled strongly of soggy wheat. She was very nice and would have been good to share with if it wasn't for the smell and heat.

This is day two out of hospital and I've succeeded in freaking out my housemate/friend L by going out without telling her when I wasn't supposed to be driving at all until tomorrow. I'm used to having housemates who don't give a damn about me, not friends who'd actually care if I went missing so it didn't even cross my mind to leave a note or keep my phone with me. I don't like to be shackled to my phone, I'm not its slave, though sometimes it would be better if I was.

A bunch of people from my church met up before the service on Sunday to pray for me, both for my mental health and spiritual health and I think it's worked. I've been praying a lot more and feeling for people; I've also been a lot more emotional but I think that's the ECT's fault. I've cried at things that really aren't sad, smiled at things that previously wouldn't even turn my head and I find myself choked up several times a day at only slightly emotional things, it's refreshing to feel emotion on this level, but I hope it doesn't last, I don't want to be a big ball of emotion.

I was in hospital for 10 weeks and 1 day, I'm very glad to be out, but I feel a little lost...

One Bad Girl

This has been a bad week, I have been self harming in here - something you're really not supposed to do unless you want to get sent to a public hospital. I can't remember if I got caught or if I confessed the first two times, but I'm now on my last chance to stay here and I've now blown it twice (they don't know that). On Tuesday I was feeling angsty and made a rash decision to go out and buy razor blades, they were used immediately when I returned and then again today. I've been wearing long sleeves (and pants) and no one has noticed yet, the ECT people saw it though because I need short sleeves for them to get to veins and take my blood pressure etc, they let out a collective gasp but thankfully said nothing to the nurse who picked us up. Last week and the week before I broke some crockery and used that... Earlier this year I went a few months without self harming at all, I guess I wouldn't be in hospital if I was entirely well, so I can't expect myself to behave perfectly, but playing with the risk of being sent public is just stupid. I would be sent to the hospital nearest my home, the awful one I posted the pictures of last year complete with blood on the curtains and holes in the walls, not good for someone who's terrified of asbestos (I know it's not generally in walls, but I still freak out when I see anything that might be it that's damaged) also they might decide not to continue my ECT.

At the moment I'm not on any antidepressant, my only drugs are Abilify - a antipsychotic, Largactil - another antipsychotic and imovane -a sleeping tablet. My doctor is weighing up whether to put me on Reboxetine or a drug in a class called MAOI (monoamine oxidase inhibitors), if he chooses MAOI I have to follow a strict diet with the worst things being no wine, no aged cheese and no cured meats, making pizza a boring affair, but the rest of the list is massive. Reboxetine doesn't have a very good reputation, basically it doesn't work so I'm expecting a MAOI unless he's thought of something brilliant since yesterday.

I thought I'd made a friend in here - R who I'm having ECT with, but tonight she organised an activity and treats for a bunch of people and I wasn't one of them; I feel a little disappointed, not at missing the activity, but at not being asked to join especially when I invited her out for coffee earlier in the day. Visitor numbers have been low, so it would have been nice to have a friend here, there's only so much you can talk about with your mother, she's my main visitor. The husband of one of mum's work colleagues is in here, mum keeps seeing her because they're both visiting at the same time - small world. Tomorrow (hopefully) my minister is coming, I have a barrage of questions for him about eternity and suicide, he may not want to answer then lest he encourages me to follow through with it, but I can try. I'd appreciate the visit without having my questions answered anyway, I feel very disconnected from the church, I've now been here 8 weeks and 1 day.

I think the nurses here have caught the craziness, they're currently laughing and wishing one another happy new year, I'm not aware of any new years in May/June.

My First Bilateral ECT

Today was my first bilateral ECT, bilateral meaning one electrode is placed on each temple, rather than both on the one side. The ritual was the same one I've been doing for the last three weeks with the trial - I was having MST by the way - I arrived at the hospital and waited for about 20 minutes, then one of the researchers came to take us up stairs, R went in first and I waited again. About 15 minutes later I went in and got hooked up to all the monitoring equipment, in went the unusually painful cannula and then something different happened, the doctor (B) wet both of my temples, it was a little disconcerting but before I could think about it too much I was asleep. I woke with a headache, sore jaw and no idea what day of the week it was. I haven't noticed any confusion since then, I don't know if the memory loss builds up as you have more treatments or if the first one is a pretty good indicator of what to expect. I've been more tired today than I was most days with the MST, I think I had a bit more anesthetic though as it was quite a while later when I woke properly.

My doctor (G) came to see me this evening and he had some interesting news, my genetic medication test finally came back. I think I wrote about it but I'll refresh you; it's a test to see how I metabolise drugs, whether I hyper metabolise, don't at all or if I'm normal. There are several categories the drugs fall into, I metabolise all but one normally, the other category I can't metabolise and lucky me - Cymbalta is in that. G said that explains why I'm having side effects even at a very low dose and that he'd like to take me off it and start me on another one as soon as possible but he's not sure if I'm still part of the ECT/MST trial even though I'm un-blinded, if I'm still part of the trial he can't make any drug changes until it's over, that would suck because then I'll probably need to be in here longer while he builds me up to a treatment dose of the new drug. I'm definitely not ready to go home now, but I'd hope that after six ECT treatments (and nine MST) I will be so I really hope I can start the new drug soon.

I've been given permission to stay out a little later on Sunday so I can go to church but I'm not sure if I will. Everything is such a huge effort, I have no ability to concentrate (you wouldn't believe how long writing this has taken and how many interruptions there have been) and I'm just not sure if I want to go, it was G's idea, not mine but I feel like I should go. Increasingly I'm thinking that I'm really not much of a Christian at all and it only bothers me when I think of death, sure that's a lot, but I should be more concerned about my faith than just my eternal destination.

Seven Weeks

Today is my seven week hospital anniversary, this is now my longest admission and there are still another two weeks to go at least. I finished the ECT/MST trial today, tomorrow I'll be told what I had and what the next step is. I want bilateral ECT regardless of what I've been having. Whatever I had made very little difference and I think that calls for the big guns - not that what I've been doing is child's play. I suspect I've been having MST because it hasn't worked and I've had no memory loss, normally the next step from MST is unilateral ECT. I want to go straight to bilateral because it's more effective faster and my doctor says the longer I'm this depressed the harder it will be to get me out of it. I'm still really struggling to do anything at all, I'm only writing this now because my nurse told me to write and try to distract myself from the suicidal thoughts which have plagued me tonight, basically I see death as the natural end to all this, I have little hope of ECT working for me because I have bad luck. I know that sounds like I've given up and that makes it not working all my fault but there's more to it than that, part of this disgusting illness is feeling both hopeless and helpless.

A little while ago I had 100mg of Largactil and 1mg of Lorazepam, they're working and that means it's time for me to stop writing before this becomes nonsense.

More tomorrow when I know what treatment I've been having.

Waiting

Thank you to the person who left a comment a few days ago re exercise, seeds etc. I couldn't publish it because you put my name in it - not everyone here knows who I am and I don't want future employers googling me and finding this, so my name is nowhere to be found (unless I’ve overlooked something!).

I haven't written for a while, my mood hasn't allowed me to do much except stare at walls; I've played the occasional computer game and watched a couple of shows, but mostly I sleep or doze. Last night sucked, I was struggling with harmful thoughts, I had the medication which helps with that as well as my sleeping tablets but the thoughts were too strong and kept me up until 3am. The situation was made worse by the nurse telling me that if I didn't feel better I couldn't go to have my treatment in the morning - which only resulted in me suffering in silence and then lying to the morning nurses, telling them that I felt fine, when really I was being plagued by self harm thoughts and low mood. I told my doctor tonight that I didn't appreciate them threatening not to let me go to get a treatment just because I express symptoms of the illness requiring the treatment. He said that he trusts me to make my own risk assessments and that if I think I'm safe to go, then I should be able to go and if it happens again I have a note from him in my file to point to. I needed nursing support last night but I couldn't get it, having to instead pretend that everything was fine. Hopefully it won't happen again.

You may be curious about how the ECT/MST trial is going... Shit! They say it's early days, I can have up to 15 treatments and I only had my 6th today. There has been no change, even some regression. I came very close to a suicide attempt on Monday and am plagued by almost constant suicidal ideation and self harm thoughts - the visions, not just thoughts. The treatment its self is fine, the worst part is having no water from midnight to 11am three days a week. The two days after the first treatment I was very sore head to toe, swallowing was particularly painful, that went away after two days and hasn’t come back, everyone says the first one is bad like that. I was very surprised to wake up with no headache, no memory loss and just a sore throat. The others have been even less eventful except the second one where I woke up before the muscle relaxant had wore off and I couldn’t breathe very well – they had it under control though, today I woke up with some gadget in my mouth to help me breathe, I was a bit slower coming out of the anaesthetic today. I’m no longer the only one from this hospital in the trial, so there are now two of us in the taxi to the hospital where the trial is, and I have someone to talk to while I wait, although she went before me today so I had to kill 20 minutes sitting on a couch in the coldest corner of the hospital!

I haven’t proof read this because I’ve already had my sleeping tablets and they’ve well and truly kicked in. Good night. Please come and visit me if you can, I’m here for possibly another three weeks and visitors help get me out of my head even if it is for a short time.

My First ECT (or MST)

I was supposed to have my first treatment on Wednesday but it was delayed because at the last minute the anesthetist decided he wanted to have my asthma assessed, it was fine. So this morning at 8am I jumped into a taxi with a nurse and headed to the hospital conducting the trial, by 9am I was signing the consent form giving them the right to electrocute me causing a seizure. Within minutes of signing I was hooked up to EEG and ECG machines and put to sleep, I didn't even feel the anesthetic kick in (I usually do). I woke up half an hour later with a very sore throat, but no headache and none of the other muscle pains I was expecting. After some water and two cups of tea my throat was better and I was ready to go. When I arrived back I was told to go to bed but ended up playing Spore because I wasn't the least bit tired. I feel like nothing has happened, which is great, but I also worry that I should be feeling something. I don't know if I had MST or ECT, my guess is MST because my memory is completely intact, but when I said that to the recovery nurse she said that's not uncommon for ECT either, but she's got to help keep me confused! I'll find out at the end of treatment which one I had, only eight more to go

Here's a little description of MST for those of you interested.

Magnetic Seizure Therapy (MST), like ECT, involves the induction of a seizure for therapeutic purposes. The major difference, however, is that in MST the seizure is induced using magnetic stimulation rather than the electrical current that is used in ECT.  Magnetic fields are able to pass freely into the brain, making it possible to produce a very focused seizure in a specific area.  The widespread nature of the seizures produced by ECT is thought to be responsible for the memory loss that people report following ECT.  Therefore, by avoiding the use of direct electrical current and inducing a focal seizure, it is thought that MST will be able to improve depressive symptoms without the memory loss seen in ECT. 

MST is a medical procedure performed by doctors.  It involves having a general anaesthetic and a muscle relaxant.  The brain is then stimulated with a controlled series of magnetic pulses using a coil that is placed at a precise location on the head.  The magnetic pulses cause a seizure in the brain which will last up to two minutes.  Because of the muscle relaxants and the anaesthetic, patients do not convulse or ‘fit’ and do not feel any pain. Patients wake up five to ten minutes following the procedure. 

MST

At the eleventh hour my doctor walked into my room and announced that there is a trial he wants me to be part of instead of doing ECT. The trial is for MST, which I think stands for Magnetic Seizure Therapy. It is the same as ECT in that it causes the brain to seize, it's just achieved differently, using a magnetic coil instead of electricity. It's a double blind trial, I won't know if I'm being given normal ECT or MST, but if I'm on MST and it's not working they'll swap me and if I'm on ECT and I have significant memory issues they'll swap me to MST, which has the advantage of no memory loss. I have to meet with the researchers tomorrow and then it will probably start on Wednesday. I'm a little disappointed because I was ready for tomorrow, but it's only an extra two days and I may not have to deal with the memory loss.

My mood is pretty low at the moment, I'd appreciate any calls or text messages to brighten my day.

ECT

I'm starting ECT tomorrow instead of Wednesday. The family meeting went well, my dad came this time, the last meeting he came to was a disaster, but that was almost two years ago and he knew virtually nothing about me being ill.

I'm not feeling great today so this is just a short post. Please come and visit, I'm getting quite lonely and I'm going to be going through a very tough time for the next two weeks.

The Beginning

I just had my annual dose of radiation - a chest x ray in preparation for ECT. I met with my Dr today and he decided to go ahead with preparations for ECT, unless my mum strongly disagrees in our family meeting on Sunday I'll be starting on Wednesday (if she disagrees, it's still up to me). I still have to have a blood test and ECG before it can begin. For those of you who don't know what ECT is is stands for Electroconvulsive Therapy. The patient is put under general anesthetic and given a muscle relaxant, several electrodes are placed on the scalp and a current is passed through them, causing a seizure lasting approximately 2 minutes. It isn't known exactly why it works, just that it does in up to 80% of cases. I will be having six treatments over two weeks on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. The first one is the worst because they have to shock you a few times to find out what level brings on the seizure. If L's experience is anything to go by I can expect a killer headache and jaw pain on the first day and memory loss throughout the whole treatment period, I might also forget a little while before treatment (eg now) and have trouble making new memories during the treatment period, none of this should be long lasting. Some people experience more severe memory loss, but they are in the minority.

The decision to do ECT was reached because this week I've been feeling very suicidal and have given up any hope of getting better, preferring instead to die, I've actually been praying for God to take me in my sleep, somehow I don't think he'll do that. I've lost my unaccompanied leave because I confessed I was finding it hard to avoid buying razor blades. I've resisted so far because I'm here to get well, not to act out and get my self sectioned again, but still my Dr thought it best to be safe and keep me in.

Desire

I'm still here, I won't be getting discharged tomorrow as I've taken a turn for the worse. My mood is so low I don't even have it in me to watch shows on my laptop. I watched one episode of Futurama today and spent the rest of the time staring at the walls or with my eyes shut. My dr wants to wait until Sunday before deciding our next step which will either be Reboxetine - a NaRI drug which according to the internet doesn't work - or ECT. My dr is concerned about ECT because of the risk of memory loss, but he said if I just get to the stage where I can't stand being suicidally depressed anymore and I want a quick fix he'll let me do it.

I could be here a few more weeks, I have the choice to leave whenever I like, but I don't feel safe enough to be at home, it's hard enough staying safe in here. So... visitors would be lovely. I had plenty of visitors to start with, but now it's really just my parents coming - a friend came yesterday, which was lovely but I want more!!!

Longer

I'm now stuck here until at least Tuesday because my vision hasn't cleared up and we need to sort out the medication dose, or even change it if the dose reduction doesn't work. As of this morning I'm down to 30mg of Cymbalta from 60mg, if that doesn't fix the problem entirely it should at least help, 30mg isn't really a treatment dose so it may fix my vision but do nothing for my depression, that will mean being in here longer to start a new drug. There's been no change in my mood, it's just really flat. I really want to go home, on top of the obvious reasons one wouldn't want to be stuck in hospital I now have a room mate and she has the TV on from 7:30 in the morning until about 9pm when she goes to bed, I've had my headphones in constantly even if I'm not listening to anything just to block out the television sound. I've been watching V (with headphones) for the last few days, I'm almost finished and it's exciting, it was cancelled in its first series so I'm not sure if it will come to a conclusion or just end abruptly, I really hope it concludes.

Blurred

The last few days have been okay, my mood has remained the same, flat, but the really bad lows have stopped. Cymbalta has caused the unpleasant side effect of blurred vision; unlike last time this happened it's my distance vision most affected, although today I'm having trouble reading, and typing this is taxing. I'm most likely going home on Friday unless my doctor decides I can't stay on this drug due to my eyes, the nurses say it will probably clear up as my body adjusts to it. I look forward to going home, I'm lonely here and I want my freedom, I just hope I can be trusted with it, I'm still experiencing troubling thoughts but I have to learn to manage them outside of hospital, I can't live here some people practically do but I don't want to be one of them.

Cymbalta

A new drug it is!
Either tonight or in the morning I'll be starting Cymbalta, I should know within a week if it's going to work or not but my doctor wants to give it about six weeks before deciding whether to stay on it or do ECT, TMS probably won't work, he spoke to the professor and he wasn't very confident. I feel pretty low at the moment, a new drug isn't really what I wanted, I was hoping for ECT but he wanted to try the drug first; he also said that the numbness I experience is likely only going to be fixed by a lot of psychotherapy, there's never a easy solution when I'm involved. If it's going to take a long time for the numbness to be fixed I'll probably lose a couple of friends quite soon, they're sick of it, apparently it makes being my friend draining. Of course I want to get better, that's why I'm here and not at home in bed wallowing, it's just really hard, impossible on my own.

Nothing

I'm very frustrated tonight. I was supposed to see the TMS professor today and it didn't happen because my doctor didn't bother arranging it like he's been saying he would since I got here. The professor only comes in on Tuesdays, so I can't start TMS for another week now, unless since last night my doctor has decided that's not the right option for me anyway. I think I want ECT, it has an 80% success rate and it works fast. I got a big telling off by a friend today, saying that I need to try harder to get better and that I've totally lost my personality etc, all of it true, but hard to rectify. I'm a shell of a person and I don't see how a shell can fill its self.

Handover

A second post for the day.
It's now night and I feel like shit. Between 9:30 and 10:30 the nurses here are doing handover, this basically means that unless you've been shot you can't get any attention, it also happens to be my worst time of night. Tonight I feel like my only way out of this mess is to pull myself out and I can't. I see a future in which I'm not allowed to kill myself and so I will feel like this until I die naturally at 80-something. I don't want that, I can't stand the thought. I want to escape this hospital tonight and die with boxes of store bought drugs and a bottle of scotch. Every door is alarmed, every window sealed, I'm going nowhere.

Test Subject Reclusive Girl

I finally got to taste a Phillippa's hot cross bun today after always finding them sold out in previous years, it was worth the wait.

I saw my Doctor again last night and there are several options. He wants me to have some genetic testing to see if I metabolise drugs too fast and that's why they don't work; he's taken me off Valdoxan because it isn't working; introduced Largactil ( I think that's the one) just for when I need it. I'm seeing the TMS professor again on Tuesday, and between him and my psychiatrist they'll decide if I'm having TMS, ECT or different drugs. I know ECT sounds terrible but it can work wonders and they do it under general anaesthetic these days.

I'm at my parents' today, just chilling. I hired eight DVDs to get me through the next week, I assume I'll be in that long, but I might be lucky and have one ECT treatment and then be fine to go, though usually it takes a few treatments. If I get a drug change or TMS instead it'll be a longer admission. I'm not happy about that, L wants me significantly better before I go home, which is understandable, but I feel that the longer I'm away the harder it will be to settle back into a relatively new household and L and S will have bonded more without me being included; I already have trouble with that since I'm a big introvert and they're both really outgoing, they get along fabulously and I'm included but it's different for me. I wish I could just get better and not just over the chemical side of things, but over the damage it's caused my self esteem over the years, I'm not the person I once was, that screwed up job interview proved it. I used to give fantastic interviews and get the jobs.

I feel fine today, like I could just go home and all would be well, but since it's only been a few days since my mini od and nights are quite bad I'm sure that would be a bad idea, it's time to get me sorted out properly.

Sleep

Today I slept. I missed lunch because in favour of sleep and I could have slept through tea too but thought better of it. Mum came to visit tonight and we went out of coffee and now I'm going back  to bed. I feel about the same as yesterday, some really bad times and some where I'm OK, but mostly it's just a flat down feeling. I'm really sick of this and I'm sick of people saying I need to pull myself out of it - I can't! God can, but it seems he doesn't want to, at least not yet. The only other major therapy I'm yet to try is ECT, that's scary, but might be worth it. Right now I just want to die - don't call the police, I'm already in hospital!

Things are better(er) with my friends who I upset, there's still some making up to be done though, it's a bit hard when I can't go and see them, but hopefully I'll make it to one of the Easter services at church.

Back in Hospital

Here I am back in hospital after another night in emergency, this time it wasn't so big a deal, they let me go at 5am, a friend, K, stayed with me for a lot of the night, she was good company in a situation I usually deal with myself. I have no idea how long this admission will be, my Dr says more TMS might be an option, in which case it may be a long one, I hope not. I'm enjoying living with L and S and don't want to be away from them for too long. I need to make things up with L, she's upset and angry that I didn't seek her help last night when it was on offer - I should have but I was set on what I wanted to do and I knew she'd be successful in stopping me. I also need to make things up with R, but that's a more complex situation where I'm not totally in the wrong, it'd be easier if I was.

Things I hate about hospital:
Single beds
Room mates (although I don't have one right now)
Monotony
No car
Friends far away

I'm going to miss the Easter services at church, I was planning on going to at least two of them, I only made it to one last year.

20mg

More drugs, possible admission with another month of TMS, plus maintenance; this was the result of my psychiatrist appointment yesterday. I'm now on 20mg of Abilify, this is quite a high dose, and will cost my parents a small fortune, none of my drugs are on the PBS, or they are but only for patients experiencing psychosis, my old Dr lied and said I had a psychotic illness, my current Dr isn't willing to take that risk, I guess they get a little slap on the wrist if caught. I don't lie to my Dr, I told him about the police and the deleted blog post that led to them being called. I was feeling even worse yesterday so he got to see first hand how I was, I managed not to cry though it was hard when he started talking about M - yes I'm still not over him, I hate that I'm not, I don't want him back but I just remember the good times and it hurts. He wants me to talk it through with my psychologist, he's not much of a talker, more of a drug pusher.

Today has been a big waste of time, I stayed in bed until 1 then did nothing for a while, watched the new Game of Thrones episode then stared at the ceiling for a while. The monotony was broken by a coffee date with L. It's great living with L and S, the three of us went to see The Hunger Games last night, it was our first household outing, I can't say I loved the film, but it was interesting after reading the book.

A Post on Faith

Tonight I stayed back after church for some prayer regarding my salvation or lack of, it fit in well with the passage preached on tonight and the answer I was given is to obey, believe that Jesus is the messiah and obey God's commands. God wouldn't want me to jump off the Bolte bridge, so I shouldn't, God wants me to continue going to church so I should. I may not feel anything, but I've accepted Christ, from there I'm doing what I can. I know there are many people within the (wider and my) church who are suffering and holding onto their faith just fine, in some cases it has made them even stronger; for me it hasn't worked that way. I'm hanging in there, going to church and feeling inadequate as I watch the people around me raise their hands in worship while I struggle to make myself sing and mean the words coming from my mouth. I bow my head in prayer and just feel like I'm sending thoughts off to the floor. I read my bible sometimes at home, not as much as I should, but again it feels like nothing, just like I'm reading any other book that I'm not enjoying, but I still try and I think that deserves some credit. I still pray nearly every night as well as little ones throughout the day but I still feel like I'm praying to nothing. My athiest readers will be thinking "well that's because you are", but I don't think I am. I believe there is a God who cares about me and listens to me, but I just can't connect with him. I want to be dead, I don't like the thought of leaving hurt people behind, but I love the thought of being with Christ and away from my troubles here. L wants me to go back to hospital because these thoughts are becoming worse, maybe she's right. I don't want to hurt people, that's totally against my nature, I just want to be free.

Fear

I wrote a post last night which inadvertently scared at least one person. I had the police called on me again because I mentioned I'd been feeling suicidal this week among some other things which I'm not silly enough to write twice. I don't think I'm brave enough to go through with suicide, it's very final and my plan is not one you can come back from. I'm scared of hell because I'm not 100% sure of my salvation, I know it's not about feelings, but I never feel anything and the whole Christianity thing just feels like a big effort; I think it's only fear keeping me from walking away, I do value my church, the people are great and have been very loving toward me even though I'm still quite new, I think they'd be sad to see me leave and I'd be much more lonely without them.  I feel like I'm in a rut that I can't get out of. I don't think I can get a job because I'm too foggy, and if I did get one keeping it would be hard when I can't get up in the mornings. I don't think I have it in me to get through uni, especially with the high marks needed to move into research. So this leaves me poor and bored for the rest of my life, the idea sinks my heart.

I'll try not to write any more alarming posts, it wasn't my intention to scare anyone last night, but if it does happen again calling me is better than calling the police. Friends can help, police I just lie to in order to get rid of them as fast as possible

Work

I had my first job interview in 3.5 years last week and I screwed it up royally, I was super nervous and spoke like a mouse, not good for a call centre job! Despite this I was offered a second interview but I wonder if she changed her mind, she was supposed to email me some forms and I haven't received them, also I haven't heard back about the date and time of the next interview. A friend today said that with my voice I'm probably not suitable for working the phones because I'm not bubbly, it's true, I speak with little expression these days it's too much of an effort to give any more to the conversation than the mere words, I didn't used to be like that and I wonder if I'll ever get the old me back. I'm really down at the moment, I got rejected for another job today (also call centre), I'm 27 and I can't even get a simple call centre job - a job I've done well in the past for three seperate employers. Maybe I'm just not ready to be working, I mean it's impressive that I'm still alive maybe I'm pushing my self too hard, but I feel lazy doing nothing (arghhhhh). In October unless I get really sick again I'm going to lose my disability pension, I need a job before then and I also need to be in better health so I can manage the load of uni and work, the idea terrifies me, suggestions anyone?

Wobbly Car

I ended up not going back to hospital, I was offered a bed on Friday, but by then I was feeling much better. I did one of the things I'm not supposed to last week, I reduced by half the amount of Epilim I'm on. Epilim is the drug likely causing the weight gain and I was getting seriously depressed every time I walked passed a mirror (I still do but I feel pro-active about it now) so I decided to take action without waiting another week and a half to see my dr, we'd talked about coming off it anyway, I just beat him to it. I haven't seen any results yet, but I'm not totally off it, and it's only been six days. One of the things I get despondent about is my lack of a man and being fat isn't going to help that situation change and it's all a big catch 22; I got really sick and started needing extra medication after my break up and I'm stuck feeling lonely and highly medicated with no one looking twice at me because I resemble a small car. I don't exercise as much as I should, but I move, I walk Rico daily and my diet could be better, but it's consistent, there is no difference between now and when I was 30kg lighter, there have been times when I've been ravenous and have sated those desires, that's probably where the weight came from, I guess it takes more than just going back to normal to shift it.

 I've applied for a couple of jobs and looked into short courses - there aren't any suitable for me at the moment, I missed the start dates for a few and the rest are either really expensive or only a couple of hours a week (and expensive). Tonight has been a chilled night in listening to this years' hottest 100 cd which I bought today, I was disappointed to find only 42 of the 100 songs on it, it's the first one I've bought and I didn't even think to check how many songs were on it, anyway, it's a nice compilation. 

Yo Yo

I'm currently weighing up whether or not to go back to hospital; I spent the early hours of Tuesday morning in ED because I knew I was going to either cut or OD at home, my mood had been getting worse by the day and then hit rock bottom. The result of my ED trip was just talking to the psych triage nurse and getting an appointment for later in the day with the psychiatrist covering for my own - he's nearly always on leave - She would have admitted me there and then but there were no beds so I was told I'd have to wait two to three days. I don't know what to do, what good will another admission be? Maybe I need to settle in better in my new household; I can't have more TMS because they think it wouldn't work.

L and I were talking tonight and decided I really need to be doing more - something I already knew but didn't know how to go about. I'm going to find a short course to fill this semester with, something where grades don't matter but will force me into a routine, that or a job; I'm thinking acting classes, but it's hard to find something more than a couple of hours a week, I want a few days

Flowers From God

God gave me some flowers yesterday, they're lovely. You may think he can't do that but he can through other people. Last week the woman who was praying with me had a vision of God giving me some flowers, so she bought be a bunch and gave them to me - well not in person, I left church early last night so a friend dropped them around on her way home. They came just at the right time; I left church because I was feeling really down and out of place and was home alone thinking of taking all my pills when there's a knock at the door and sweet smelling flowers shoved (not literally) in my face. Today I got through with my mum taking me out for lunch and walking and bathing Rico; tonight has been spent watching House, Dance Moms (trash, but addictive) and The Simpsons. I'm waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in so I can be rid of another day but it's been over an hour. Tomorrow I'll be able to speak to the person replacing my Dr for the week and hopefully something can be done to stop this downward spiral before it gets out of hand

Theatre Envy

Tonight L, her friend another L and I went to Theatreworks to see two plays by last year's NIDA directors graduates, they were Howl directed by Daniel Lammin, and Thirst, directed by Eugene O'Neill, both were excellent; Thirst was beautiful, and Howl very moving and it seems provocative as five audience members left! It put me in a writing mood, but now by time I've got home, settled in and sat down the urge is gone and I just feel depressed. My mood has been slowly deteriorating throughout the week, I haven't even been out of hospital a full week, but I already feel I need more TMS, looks like I'll be going on the maintenance program! They told me to call up if I felt things were going wrong, I just hope they'll be able to help me despite my doctor being on leave, I don't want to wait until he gets back for anything to be done. I'm yet to act on them but my self-harm urges are quite strong and I don't think I can keep them at bay for much longer, especially when part of me is already resigned to losing the battle, I gave into them twice in hospital only in minor ways, I want to do it properly now.

I want to go to bed and escape the world but I've run out of sleeping tablets and I've slept about 15 of the last 24 hours, I don't like my chances tonight, shit!

Writing

I've deferred this semester of uni to write (and read), and so I must get to it. I'm starting to doubt I have it in me to be a writer though, I lack the vocabulary - the reason I need to read more - and I can't punctuate, story I can deal with, but I'd like to be better. I'm sure we'd all like to be better at what we do, but I don't do much so I feel it's important to be able to confidently say "My name's K and I can write." To help me with this L has set me a challenge to write a page a day despite whatever is going on and I'm determined to read a lot more even when my brain is mushy and the words mean nothing to me, at the very least I can find a word I've never or rarely come across and add it to my vocabulary. I'm currently reading The Lost Dog by Michelle de Kretser for the second time, it is very good for this purpose, as well as being a good read it is quite intellectual and features Melbourne's arts scene.

I'm tired now, good night.

Religion Resolution

I had a long chat with a well respected woman at church last night, the best bit was a bible verse she pulled out of thin air for me; Jeremiah 6:16 This is what the LORD says: "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." But you said "We will not walk in it." The ancient path being that walked by God with his footprints, basically follow God and my soul will find rest. I admitted that I felt I was at a stage where I could easily walk away but she encouraged me to keep going.

L moved in today, the house was a flurry of activity for most of the day; S is moving in tomorrow, so the fun will continue. It's actually like having three people move in at once because I've got two and a half months worth of stuff to bring back from hospital (and my little break in between the two admissions). I ate junk food today, I've been trying and succeeding to eat healthier lately since I've gained so much weight, maybe tomorrow I can get back on track, though we are planning household celebratory drinks...

AFES

This showed up on Facebook today, it was shared by one of my friends, who I know also suffers; but it made me a little bit angry. It's the first Christian literature I've come across concerning depression and anxiety, and it is so shallow, with its ultimate point being "there there, God will come back in the end and everyone will be better". Well that's kind of one of the reasons I want to kill myself, everything will be better then! I think I'm also angry because God has done nothing to make me better, or even give me a reprieve, he's given me a few good friends which I'm grateful for, but TMS made me better, and before that Epilim, both have high success rates, so it's no miracle that they worked. Maybe God planned for me to get better this way and to have a rough journey, but I'm not happy with it. TMS has made me really teary, I cry at the slightest thing now, including writing this, I used to have tear ducts of stone...
I've had a bad week and am still in hospital, I was supposed to leave yesterday, but now it's hopefully Saturday. I still think TMS worked because I'm managing bad situations in a much more mature way than I would have without it; and I've had a number of challenges to test me whilst I've been here. I have two new house mates now, L is one of  them, I can't wait to be living with her and our house will look amazing because she has art and can make it and has an amazing photographer as a best friend.

Better (again)

So, for the second time I am unexpectedly, significantly, better. I could stop there but I’ll keep going because I’m in a writing mood. It’s been almost a week since I noticed a slight improvement in my mood, followed by a decrease in my suicidality (I don’t know how to spell that one), followed by a massive increase in my mood which has just grown more by the day. I’ve had some stressful news – one of my housemates is leaving in only a couple of weeks and even that hasn’t made me grumpy and thinking the world is out to get me, it’s just a difficulty I have to cope with. TMS is great (if it’s right for you) at getting you out of depressive periods, but not so great at keeping you out of them unless you go on the maintenance programme; I don’t know what my doctors have planned for me, if they think
I can keep myself well or if I need to come in two days a month.

One Helicopter Please

Every time I hear a little bang, or some noise which is out of place I think there’s an earthquake about to start, it’s becoming a legitimate fear. I’ve never been in an earthquake, I don’t really count those two little tremors we had a few years ago because they did zero damage, they really scared the cat though! There’s a door which keeps banging near my room, it’s distressing me...

I’m only really writing this update because I was asked to, I’m very depressed at the moment, so lacking in energy to do anything. I can’t write, can’t focus on conversations, I get no joy out of watching anything, so I sleep to escape it all. It’s currently 7:20, at 8:00 I can have my medication and sleeping pills and all this will go away. I wonder if TMS might start to help soon, today was the first time I’ve experienced a headache related to it, until now it’s just been irritating during the treatment and then nothing afterwards – actually a few nights ago there was a muscle spasm in my neck, but that could be anything.

Quibble is a Nice Word

I’m writing again, properly, it feels good. Today’s grammar quibble is wonder / wander, I’m waiting for my very slow internet connection to tell me which I need, ok it’s wonder! It wasn’t a simple sentence though! I’m adapting one of my longer blog posts to be a short story, fictioning it up a bit and making it a lot more anonymous since it will be read my prof.

I don’t have a lot to tell you from in here, I’m bored as hell so please come visit, I can leave any time of day, and have coffee with you just come, come , come; is that desperate enough? 

An Article on TMS and ECT

An article my mum found, I know the source is awful, but I'm not in the habit of hiding my sources out of shame

http://au.news.yahoo.com/today-tonight/latest/article/-/34838/dealing-with-depression/

With one in five Australians suffering from depression at some time in their lives, solving the problem has become an urgent and often overpowering demand.

Beryl Taylor and Linda Ballard have both had their lives upset by the crevice of depression.

"The world became a very lonely and isolated place," said Linda.

Sure modern anti-depressants have made a huge difference, but sometimes they are not enough to lift the black cloud and let in the light.

Trans-cranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) is the latest technique to ease the distress. It looks out of this world but it has dramatic effects.

It works by settling the neurotransmitters in the brain, which increase hormonal levels and ease depression.

Colleen Lo, psychiatrist at Sydney's Prince of Wales Hospital says that stimulation increases blood supply to underused parts of the brain.

"We place a powerful magnet onto the scalp and it stimulates the surface of the brain," Colleen said. "The increased blood supply reflects increased nerve activity. We think this might work in the circuits that modulate mood."

Linda Ballard is happy with the treatment.

"It just means I get my emotions back, I begin to feel things, good things and bad things, the colour comes back," Linda said.

"It's like you've been watching a black and white movie and you just focus it and the colour comes back and the picture becomes clear."

For someone who described life during the bouts of depression as dull and grey, feeling like this after using TMS is a giant leap for Linda Thompson.

"It's a very convenient treatment to have, your in the hospital for maybe 30 minutes and then you can walk out again, there's no anaesthetic," Linda said.

And that's just what people with moderate to severe depression like about TMS - no pain, lots of gain.

At 71-years-old, Beryl Thompson felt her antidepressants weren't helping the depression that had plagued her for 10 years, so she jumped at the chance of getting involved in the a trial for TMS.

Soon after the treatment Beryl was diagnosed with colon cancer. She believes without the TMS this news would have sent her into the depths of depression.

TMS is still in its infancy, but the early results are very positive. But one of the older forms of treatment, electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) is now also producing outstanding results.

It's enough to send shivers down our spine but the truth is modern ECT is both a safe and sophisticated affair when it's used in severe depression or in psychological illness. It improves well-being, it makes people feel better but more importantly ECT saves lives.

ECT treatments today involve no jarring movements, no shocks that rack the body. As Psychiatrist Phillip Mitchell describes, ECT has come a long way.

"It was a very old fashion type of ECT, it was unmodified, patients didn't have an anaesthetic, ECT has progressed a long way since then," Dr Mitchell said.

"Now we know the electrical dose that will work for the individual patient, the other advance is that it is a much safer procedure, we are monitoring the heart rate, monitoring the oxygen levels in the blood."

Sharon was so depressed she totally withdrew from life. She became catatonic, she'd tried everything from counselling to serious medication but nothing worked.

Finally ECT was suggested, she backed away because of the stigma attached but eventually out of sheer desperation Sharon tried it. Today her life has turned around and she now counsels people suffering depression.

While TMS and ECT aren't cures for depression they're certainly helping Australians.

TMS

The TMS assessment went well; the prof was very easy to talk to, he was familiar with my case – a relief to not have to tell my entire history – and we decided to go ahead with it. First we had to find the right dose; this is done by placing the coil on the head just behind the treatment area, as it is turned up the hand on the opposite side begins to twitch, when the twitching happens you’ve got your dose! I felt like I was moving it my-self, staying relaxed was hard. He then found the area on my head the coil needed to be for treatment and marked it with a lovely red marker and sent me away for 45 minutes until my appointment.

The treatment its self was a little uncomfortable, more so the set up than the procedure. The magnet is heavy and they have to get it in just the right place resting on your head with a stand to keep it in place, my head was on a weird angle (but on a nice chair) and I was wearing ear plugs whilst they were shouting instructions at me. I watched Cowboy Bebop whilst they fussed around me; and then the treatment started... Imagine someone poking you just above and behind the temple quite hard, and then an involuntary muscular movement going down your face and forehead a few times a second, well that’s what it is like but there’s no poke, it’s just the magnet doing its thing!

Anyway I feel fine, still not actually fine, but you know, my head isn’t about to blow up.