The Beginning

I just had my annual dose of radiation - a chest x ray in preparation for ECT. I met with my Dr today and he decided to go ahead with preparations for ECT, unless my mum strongly disagrees in our family meeting on Sunday I'll be starting on Wednesday (if she disagrees, it's still up to me). I still have to have a blood test and ECG before it can begin. For those of you who don't know what ECT is is stands for Electroconvulsive Therapy. The patient is put under general anesthetic and given a muscle relaxant, several electrodes are placed on the scalp and a current is passed through them, causing a seizure lasting approximately 2 minutes. It isn't known exactly why it works, just that it does in up to 80% of cases. I will be having six treatments over two weeks on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. The first one is the worst because they have to shock you a few times to find out what level brings on the seizure. If L's experience is anything to go by I can expect a killer headache and jaw pain on the first day and memory loss throughout the whole treatment period, I might also forget a little while before treatment (eg now) and have trouble making new memories during the treatment period, none of this should be long lasting. Some people experience more severe memory loss, but they are in the minority.

The decision to do ECT was reached because this week I've been feeling very suicidal and have given up any hope of getting better, preferring instead to die, I've actually been praying for God to take me in my sleep, somehow I don't think he'll do that. I've lost my unaccompanied leave because I confessed I was finding it hard to avoid buying razor blades. I've resisted so far because I'm here to get well, not to act out and get my self sectioned again, but still my Dr thought it best to be safe and keep me in.