Fright

I know I said I wasn't posting anymore but I feel like I have no outlet without the blog. My parents now know about it thanks to a friend telling my mum, she had my best interests at heart though. So because my parents know about it you can expect me to be a little less candid, I've never been very open with them and I'm not about to start now.

I'm back in hospital having more ECT, this time I'll be having maintenance which means that once a week to once a fortnight I'll go to the hospital for one session, it will be done as an outpatient so I don't have to stay over once a week or anything.

I'm having a tough time at the moment, both of my housemates decided to move out, my overdose is at least partly responsible, I scared them off. No one wants to come home to a corpse and I think that's what concerns them. So basically I totally fucked up by taking that last overdose. I don't think I'll take another one for the purpose of being unconscious. There are other reasons to do it, but I don't feel that way at the moment. Because of this situation I'm pretty depressed and I have the classic borderline hollowness, it's like being filled with air with nails floating around inside you and occasionally one of those nails pierces an organ or bangs into the abdominal wall causing a sharp pain. There is not one positive emotion in me, I suppose I have to take ownership of the borderline label since I embody it. I can't get in to DBT until January so I'm stuck being a crazy borderline until then.

If you can please visit me, we can go down the street to a nice cafe, it doesn't need to be a boring hospital visit. I get pretty lonely, there's one girl who talks to me in passing and L is there but she wants some space. So visitors would be grand.