Chillin' With Lester

I’m a free woman. No private beds were available and the psych at the public thought I’d be better at home anyway; I agree, it’s easy to get comfortable in hospital (though not that one) and I feel safer now than I did on Tuesday.

A lot of people seemed to take exception to Tuesday’s post, may I remind you that this is where I write with honesty, I may reflect on a post a few days later and see the folly in it, but I don’t remove it because it allows the various states of my mind to be seen by you lot. So reflections on that post: Suicide needs to be discussed more openly and I’m trying to do that. The post was written when I was feeling particularly awful, so it lacked reason, but it was nevertheless honest. My musing that the chances of me living or dying are 50/50 was probably incorrect, that was more of a reflection on how I was feeling at the time. I need to find things to live for rather than reasons not to die, I don’t want to hurt my friends and family, that’s my reason not to die; I don’t find enough pleasure in those relationships to live for them though, I think that’s a BPD thing, I like a few intense relationships rather than a lot of casual ones, I think what I want out of a relationship can’t reasonably be asked of anyone and I can see that as one of the things which drove M (ex) away.

My mum suggested yesterday that perhaps uni is a bad idea at the moment since I’m finding the prospect of making a phone call overwhelming, let alone attending classes, doing coursework and submitting assignments, sadly I think she’s right. I wanted to ease back into uni with just one subject in first semester and then pick up another in second semester, but the one I wanted to pick up had a prerequisite this semester, so I had to do both. I’m definitely not dropping the course, but maybe one subject would be best for now. I really don’t know, the work is easy, I should be able to handle two, but I’m not, plus it’s past census date so I’m paying now anyway.

Please don’t let the comment moderation put you off, I like hearing from you, I just don’t need 20 abusive posts from a stranger (I hope it’s a stranger anyway).