Sabotage

I apologise for the messy writing of late, I haven’t been editing, and only doing quick proof reads. I’ll start putting in a little more effort when my head, stomach and tooth stop hurting.

It’s 11:30pm, (well now it's 12:26) I’m in bed annoyed because I can’t sleep and chewing on Mylanta because my innards hurt. Never overdose on anything, it’s awful. Memories are starting to come back of things I said and did before I was unconscious, how agitated I was, I begged to be unhooked because I needed to fidget. I yelled at the triage nurse from the trolley-bed-thing that I’m allergic to Lamictal, because I thought I overheard the paramedic say that they should give me some. Because my Lamictal allergy was only discovered in December I forgot to mention it in the do you have allergies question, my answer is always “yes, Erythromycin” but my new answer needs to be “yes, Erythromycin and Lamictal”. I’m seeing my GP in 13 hours, I hope the discharge papers have reached her, I have no idea what happened in the 12ish hours I was unconscious, if it was the drugs or if they knocked me out, or both. I had an ultrasound and a catheter, I must have been very unconscious to not feel or remember that. I don’t remember seeing any doctors, just lots of nurses and CAT people, I don’t remember waking up, I thought it would be like coming out of surgery, I’ve always remembered how I woke up and who was beside me. As I was leaving I asked a nurse if any doctors had actually seen me and she said, “yes, heaps of them”. In the past when I’ve left hospitals there has been a chat about what’s next, and what exactly happened and I’ve been given a letter for my GP, and in some cases a letter for me with instructions re meds. I had to ask if I’m supposed to continue my normal drug regime or give my body a rest, the answer was to keep taking them, I can’t believe they were going to send me on my merry way without even telling me that! I have so many other questions, I want to know what happened every second I was out, if there’s any long term damage to worry about, but I was far too hung-over to ask at the time. I’m pretty sure discharge papers are done electronically now. I hope GP has all the answers tomorrow; this not knowing is actually the worst part of the whole ordeal.

I’ve learnt from it and won’t do it again as an act of self harm, if I do it again it will be on a much larger scale for a definite suicide, probably next to some train lines so I can be heavily sedated before it comes. I don’t think I fear death, a big part of the “why” behind this was to figure out if I did. I asked one of the nurses if I could die from this and her reply was “well you did take 4g of Seroquel and your heart’s doing 170, so yeah, maybe!” It didn’t fuss me, I just lay there while they all flittered around. Before I took the pills I prayed because I knew it was a bit of a gamble and I’m hardly Christian of the year material. I didn’t bother asking God for help, I don’t know if He does that directly, and I’d already tried many Christian friends, I didn’t tell any of them there was a problem, which I should have done, it’s hard to remember that people can’t read my thoughts. I don’t believe suicide is a golden ticket to Hell, but rather a sin just like all the others, God hates it as He hates them all. My last act on Earth would be sinful, but I don’t see how that’s any different to “Fred” committing any old sin and then dying of a heart attack before he got chance to ask for forgiveness, I doubt that “Fred” (if Christian) would be destined for eternity without God.

Even though I’ve said I’ll never do that again for self harm, I found myself wanting to tonight, as horrible the ordeal was, it worked, when I woke up I didn’t feel emotionally shit – just physically and I don’t care if I die! Thankfully there’s only my weekly supply and some scripts in the house, if I picked up the scripts I’d have a lot, but I think I’m going to throw them away.

I think my psychologist will call this an act of self sabotage (I’m great at it) uni was going well, I was a little bit happy – we can’t have that! I’m going to have another go at this sleep thing everyone’s raving about.