Tonight I’m having an L free night (she’s out having fun with people I don’t know) and tomorrow will also be L free. I’m still at L’s house even though she’s not; she thought it would be best if I stayed here tonight since I’m at the beginning of a drug reduction. Tomorrow I will go to a house-warming for lunch, followed by church if I have the energy and then I will spend the night at my own home. Monday is the first bible study group for the year, and then Tuesday is my first day of uni. I’m going to start spending the odd day at my own home to get used to looking after myself again. It’s been good here; I’m sure if I’d gone straight home from the hospital I’d be back there already. I’m really quite terrified about my new psychiatrist taking me off everything but the antidepressant.
I’m a little scared about going back to uni, I’ve looked at the online discussions already happening between students and lecturers, I feel so inferior. I know I’m not going to fail any of these classes (unless I give up – but that’s different) but I need to do very well so I can switch to research, and putting that aside, I need to do well for my ego. I know I’m not going to attain perfection, but that’s what I want. I need to read more, I’ve got my set readings, but I need to stop spending so much time on Facebook and staring at walls, and read every great work of literature – I may need to slow time and get some replacement eyeballs to do this, but that’s possible isn’t it?!
Mental State:
Bad. Cutting every day, mostly mild; I want to get my hands on a hypodermic needle so I can get venous blood with just a little stab, rather than having to search for veins inside a cut. Blood is all I want, pain is just annoying, I want to see my whole arm and torso turn red and then I’ll be satisfied (until the next day). Yeah I know that’s disgusting, you can stop reading if you don’t like it. I seem to be in the minority of self-harmers who don’t like pain, I put up with it because it gives me blood. To get my hands on a needle would be fantastic, I’m pretty sure you can get them with a prescription, or just buy them online. I think my GP may prescribe them for me because it would be the lesser of two evils. I’ve read some medical journals giving advice to GP’s about self harm and one was to offer hygienic suggestions if the behaviour is clearly not going to stop – worth a shot I think.
Not a very positive post, but I’m not going to make up happy shit to please you. My more morbid posts seem to get more visits anyway, so I’m just giving you what you want.
I hope you had a successful day getting out and about! I feel you about uni. Gah. xx
ReplyDeleteYou're taking a step forward with Dr M, don't take a step backward by indulging your self-destructive desires. As someone who has had recovery slip through their fingers, don't do the same with your chance, it isn't worth it.
ReplyDelete