One Week

Last night marked one week since I last hurt myself, I was going to do it just before bed but had no energy and no dressings so I just went to sleep; aren’t I a good girl. I’m feeling a lot better re overdose now, my brain is working again and I don’t constantly feel nauseous. As awful as it was, the temptation to do it again is high, because it worked. When I woke up I only felt physically awful, mentally I was fine, and I know now that I don’t fear death. The things holding me back are; two friends who have said they would end the friendship if I did it again, the fact that it would make me fall behind at uni – I’m already behind but the work is very easy and I should still be able to wrangle HD’s (cocky eh) – and that I’d have to use over the counter meds in massive doses and I have no idea what they’d do to me. I don’t fear death, but I do fear being physically or mentally impaired to the point where I am unable to end my life, I need to have that control.

L is still in hospital, I miss her and I hate knowing she’s not well; this illness stinks. I’d like to be better or dead, better takes a very long time and dead makes people sad. I know L wants the same, I don’t want her dead, but I know better takes so long and it is hard to achieve, DBT had better work for me and someone better find something to work for L, because the world needs her in it.

I’m writing a big post based off this Croakey article and all the others it references, plus a few others. It’s been a while since I did a nice researched, informative post; I’m not full of energy and need to work on uni when I am, so it might take a week or so, but there’s something for you to look forward to if you like that kind of thing.