I am feeling quietly confident about uni having met my competition. Yesterday was fiction writing, I won’t do so well in that, but I’m going to breeze through script writing. Much to my delight the unit chair has changed and the subject is now going to have a little more focus on the stage; The previous unit chair only wrote for film and TV, so that’s all she focused on. My drama degree came in handy today – I’ve seen scripts from the other end. My brain is still in mush mode, I just can’t focus on anything for more than a few minutes.
L is a little better but not home yet. I didn’t see her today but will have lots of L time tomorrow. I’m also going back to my house tomorrow; it’s time to start looking after myself again.
I’m rather disappointed in my small group; Monday was our first meeting and I was so clearly a mess and no one even tried to talk to me about it. I don’t know what sort of signals I was putting out, I think I was a bit disassociated at the time, but to be in the presence of 10 or so Christians when in such a mess and for no one to even ask if I was ok is really awful. I think one of the men wanted to say something but he didn’t know what (P.N, that’s you), maybe they were all like that, but I left bleeding, dreaming of suicide and highly drugged, with not even a pat on the back. I know most of the people in the group at least a little, and none of them are heartless, maybe I’m just too difficult, maybe I’m expecting too much. I don’t know, I just know I don’t feel like it was a supportive environment to be in half an hour after my friend had just been whisked away to prevent her suicide. I should have stayed home with her sister, at least I could have cried and cut there - these scratches are awful, I wouldn’t have done that if I had a razor blade handy (and not been in a family home surrounded by people) I’ve since started taking razors and dressings with me everywhere. If you ever need a band aid (or steri-strips) I’m the girl to ask.
I don’t get a lot of comments on this blog, but I’d like to hear from my Christian readers on this one. Am I being too hard on my small group, should I keep this sort of stuff quiet and just talk to my psychologist and the friends who actually want to know, or is it ok to let people see me when I’m hurting? Beyond church employees e.g. pastoral carer what should my expectations be for support; and how can I as a crap Christian and sick person be of any use to the church in return?
K, I want you to realise that what i am about to say i say in love, and because you asked, had you not asked i would not be posting.
ReplyDeleteI'm kinda not surprised no one talked to you. you do have this 'rack off' sign posted on your forehead, and its hard for people to get past that. Its not that you are too difficult, just most people don't want to be rejected when they try and talk to you. I have seen you do it. at Ms party a couple of years ago. And after a while people stop trying cos each time they see that 'rack off' sign, they sigh and then they put you in the too hard basket. I love you and am one of the people who have stuck by you, but most people don't see that it is a front, one of your defence mechanisms. And that's ok when you first get to meet people. but you need to allow people in. My question is this. Did they know about L? you said that you didn't feel like you were in a supportive environment after L went into hospital. did they know? If they didn't know how do you expect them to support you?
Its ok to let people know you are hurting. I know it may make you feel vulnerable, but at least you will be surrounded by people who are praying for you and supporting you in a community setting.
You kinda also have the last sentence a bit topsy turvy. Most churches arent there to see what you can do for them. Most are just there to teach you about God and stuff like that. I'm glad you are going to a small group. Imagine these to be your family. They will annoy you and say things in the heat of the moment, but you will need to let them in a share with them, how you are feeling. so they can pray for you and love you. Its always hard in the beginning to take that first step and share, but if you are going to continue going there its a two way street. You can't ask like a teenager and sit in a corner hoping someone will talk to you about how your feeling (not saying you are doin this) and then when they don't complain that they arent supporting you.
Hi K. Firstly, I like reading your blog. It's good that you can be so open and help us all understand a bit more about the daily struggles some people face.
ReplyDeleteThe church thing, I'm not sure I can help with, but I'll comment anyway. I was struggling with PND for a while. Things were really tough. I told the pastor how much I was struggling when he came over for a visit. Nothing. I told other people in the Church. Nothing. I had support from 1 or 2 people in the Church who were close friends, but that's about it. I was deeply disappointed and now I'm very confused. I was reaching out for help at a time where I wasn't getting any sleep, had a baby screaming in pain all day and night, had drs telling me there's nothing wrong with my kid (turns out there was. Duh!) and had no-one to help me. I felt like shit! It really hits hard when the people you rely on and expect to help don't. But I think you know where I'm coming from in regards to which Church I attend. You were smart enough to leave it years ago. I left, but went back.
Anyway, I really hope things get better for you. I hope you are able to get support from your new bible study group. Maybe the other people in the group just don't know how to ask how you are. I know, sounds dumb, but it happens. Maybe they're scared that they'll say the wrong thing and don't want to upset you. I think it's just ignorance. I didn't understand what the mind could do to you until I went through PND, and even then, I had a very mild case. Just stick with it for a bit I reckon. Maybe they'll come around and realise how much you're hurting. Well, maybe they'll realise that you are hurting, but not understand how much. I really do hope life starts to pick up for you. I think it's great that you're going back to uni and keeping busy. I know it'll be hard for you, especially when your brain has turned to mush, but I think in the long run, it'll probably help more than you realise. I know sometimes life can be really shit and hard to cope with, but just hang in there (sorry, I'm sure you're sick of hearing that). The past 2 yrs have been hell for me, but I got through by thinking that maybe I experienced it like this so i can help out someone else who goes through a similar thing in the future. If you go through all of this just to help one other person with what they're struggling with, it'll be worth it. And K, you're already helping people. I'm sure this blog has made a huge impact on others already. I know it's helped me. So keep up the good work and get better soon. :) Love ya.
Hi K,
ReplyDeleteA member of your small group here who loves Michael Jackson and who has not put you in the "too hard" basket.
I'm sincerely sorry you felt unsupported the other night. Yes, it was painfully obvious that you were having a hard time. To be honest, I spent most of the evening praying for you as I sat beside you. I was not sure how to comment, or if you even WANTED a comment made.
Unfortunately, when people are feeling unwell, sometimes others don't know what the right thing to say is. Should you say something? I've seen people say things in the past to others and it has been the wrong move. Sadly, in many cases perhaps it would have been the right move, but everyone is so afraid of saying the wrong thing they just sit silently by.
I don't want to be someone who does the wrong thing by you. One of the girls who sits next to me at work is suffering badly from depression. I talk about it with her as much as I'm able to when she brings it up, but often she has a sort of "shut down" look come over her (on especially bad days) and then she will not respond to you at all if you ask her if she's alright.
Your blog is certainly helping a lot of people, K, I can tell you that. It has given me a lot of insight into how this experience can make people feel. I again am so sorry you are disappointed in how the small group responded. Clearly just being with you was not the right thing to do. (I honestly wasn't sure if everyone knew the situation and was definitely not sure if it should be mentioned by anyone but you, if you CHOSE to).
Please hear me when I say the following things:
1) We DO want to know. The real stuff, not the facade. Don't feel you can only talk to your doctors or family - I could see that you were hurting but I just was afraid and I didn't know what to do.
2) We do want to do the right thing by you. If you need to talk about your friend and her situation as well, please know that you can. Even if it's just with me. I didn't know about your friend being taken away, but next time I hope you might share the news. I will give you any help that I can.
3) Please don't take our general ignorance and stupidness on this issue as uncaringness. I speak for myself when I say I am inexperienced and new at knowing when the right time to comment has arrived and what it is appropriate to say. I hope to get better at this with your help. You are so open and forthcoming in your blog...but when you put on a smile and say you've taken some medication (explaining the situation, in some people's mind) then people may take your explanation and not look deeper. This blog is helping me see things more clearly.
4) Please, please don't ever feel down about being a "crap" Christian. Clearly you have noticed that the rest of us are pretty crap, too.
I hope to see you again at small group soon...if you are ever in such a way again, I promise to ask you about it directly. Love, K
Thanks for your comments, especially you Kelly, thanks for your prayers. I am aware of the “fuck off” sign on my forehead - it’s very hard to remove, more like a branding than writing. The sign has been there since childhood and is the reason I don’t have millions of friends, I’m scary to approach. I should have said more on Monday than “If I fall asleep it’s because I’ve just taken 6 valium”, and on other occasions I would; but the shock was very fresh, I was in a strange home and there were two people I’d never met, plus three I barely know. I didn’t want to take over the first session of the year with “Hey I’m a needy nutcase, attention please”. I was planning on rising the issue come prayer time, more prayer for L than my-self, but I would have mentioned the situation had upset me. Prayer time didn’t happen in its usual way, so I remained silent.
ReplyDeleteAnnon 2 (I’m pretty sure I know who you are) Thanks for sharing, I had no idea. I’ll be in touch. Annon 1 (again pretty sure I know who you are) It’s a slow process removing a branding, sometimes makeup does the trick, but really, it needs a skin graft.
I wasn't saying the sign was a bad thing. I think sometimes it is a good thing, for self preservation as well as knowing who is full of BS and not. You asked why, thought i could shed some light. its not always a bad thing to share, but given the situation it probably was a good thing not to. you arent a needy nutcase, and negative self talk is not a good thing (yeah i kno i should practise what i preach) and so i guess its just something you can work on. much love my friend. xx
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