I don’t have a massive drug stockpile, it’s hard to build it up when you’re on weekly dispensing, good to have a few old scripts lying around though. All I have is 4g of Seroquel, 65mg of valium and 360mg of Oxazepam – I wouldn’t dream of taking too many Lovan, no one wants serotonin syndrome. I’ve never really seen the point in overdosing as a type of self harm; suicide, sure – you just have to do a good job of it; but why ingest a heap of pills and then call for help? Well, it’s a near death experience, you can’t be sure what will happen, the ambulance might be late, the hospital might screw up or you could just be unlucky and have a lower tolerance than you thought. I don’t think my little stockpile is suicide worthy, I’ll leave that one to the train – or I could build a guillotine, that way I don’t have to traumatise a train driver. In-case you can’t tell this isn’t a good day, and over such minor incidents. I have a few forms to fill in, an upcoming house inspection and a near dead car, the car is topping the list because it makes getting to uni hard – the public transport bit isn’t too bad, it’s all the stuff I have to carry. My laptop was bought as a desktop replacement, not really to carry around everywhere, so it is powerful - for its time really powerful, the battery lasts less than two hours and it weighs 4.5kg – Idiot! I am also missing my ex a lot at the moment, maybe not him exactly, but the idea of him; hugs that last more than 2 seconds, a kiss, a shoulder to sleep on, a hand to hold, a dinner date, someone who knows all of me and still loves me, though I guess I didn’t really have that last part or we’d still be together...
Uni is going well, if I choose to I can spend tonight doing some work and thrill the pants off the class next week, I’m not often confident, but I can own this course – if I do the work. I could also spend tonight in ED drinking activated charcoal and pissing off my parents. I hate that you can’t have no next of kin on the forms, maybe I should give them false details, though I suppose they’d find them eventually...
Don’t be alarmed by this post, I’m too much of a coward to do anything, and even if I take my whole stockpile the worst it’ll do is charcoal and a heavy night’s sleep (I think).
You never know with these things. The worst I thought I'd do was a night of sleep in ED interrupted with annoying half hourly "squeeze my hands" and pen lights shined in my eyes. Instead I got four days in a coma on life support with my Mum being told to plan my funeral and seven weeks in the nut house. And I researched it. It was supposed to be safe. Like you say, things go wrong.
ReplyDeleteA wise person (you in case you don't make the connection) made me realise in a facebook message that my behaviour of late was/is selfish. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but taking your stockpile, even if it only results in drinking a horrible concoction of charcoal sweetened with truckloads of sorbitol, and annoying neuro-obs and ridiculously tight automatic blood pressure cuffs, would be selfish too. Part of this new journey you are beginning with Dr. M is about taking responsibility for your behaviour and how you are feeling and making a commitment to begin to change it. This is your perfect opportunity. You are at a fork in the road. You could take the borderline path that you have always taken and take the stockpile, or attack your poor torso some more, or you could channel yourself into your uni work. Use all that emotion for some good.
Getting off my high horse now. I sincerely hope that you get through the night in one piece. You have my number if you need a non-judgemental, experienced sounding board, any time - I mean it. B
I've learnt my lesson B, I hope to never do that again, I still feel awful. Turns out I'm lucky I didn't die, don't know if GP was just trying to scare me or if that's true. I'm going to try and get an admission somewhere, I still feel very risky. I gave my GP my stockpile and all my scripts though.
ReplyDelete