Why do I go to church? If I’m honest with myself it’s not to worship God, it’s not to learn, it’s not to serve; it’s just to be around people, it’s a lazy way to not be lonely for a few hours and it doesn’t always work! I go to church hoping to do these good things but my brain is too dead to learn, my heart is too cold to worship and I’m too fucked up to serve - I’ve tried the coffee ministry a few times and I kept scowling at people (they liked my coffee though). It’s hard to not give up your faith when you feel it does nothing for you, or even worse depresses you, there’s nothing like congregational worship to enlighten the gap between you and them, by the end I feel like I have no soul. The obvious answer to the feeling empty problem would be that I am empty. I am not strong in my faith; maybe the Holy Spirit has deemed me not a good home and departed, or maybe I’m just not trying enough. I don’t pray enough, they’re mostly conversational bits throughout the day and I rarely read the Bible even though I know there’s a wealth of knowledge in there and a lot of very encouraging and uplifting parts. So, then we come to commitment, I lack it in reading and praying, but I have held on to my faith through 13 years, many of them difficult and I’ve adhered to some of the more difficult guidelines for living, but is it now just habit?
Tonight’s service topic was “Redeeming Singleness” – basically why singleness doesn’t totally suck! I hate being single, but I know I will remain so until my relationship with God is greatly improved, in my last (and only) relationship I made him my god; I never would have admitted it at the time but I can see now that that’s where my heart was and it was one of the big reasons it couldn’t work. Since the breakup I could have had a few relationships or flings, and I am a human, I have a libido! But instead I waited, and continue to wait for, a godly man (I might have one or two in mind...) but I am not the godly woman they deserve. In jest the minister went through a checklist for finding the perfect Christian partner tonight and I fall very short, I can’t go back a few generations and make my entire ancestry outstanding people of the church, I can’t make my parents Christians and my dad not frightening, I can’t make my brother a Christian, or even not the hate filled adolescent that he is. Basically I want a prize Christian man who will help me draw nearer to God and discourage me from making him my god instead, but I am not his prize woman – yet. I need an amazing man who can help me get better, or I need a very long wait and a lot of work to become at least a little bit of a prize, I suspect it will be the latter; or singleness which brings me back to the beginning, loneliness and why go to church at all – well... I need to change.
I’ve decided to allow anonymous comments again, it’s annoying having to sign in just to leave a quick comment. I’m keeping the moderation on and won’t be publishing the highly insulting ones, you can disagree with me and I’ll publish it but you don’t have to attack in the process, I have feelings however damaged they are. I’ve been doing more personal writing lately which is why there have been fewer posts, I don’t know if that will change, but that’s why the absence.
Sorry we weren't there last night - I'm actually interested to hear what was said on singleness, so maybe you can give me the highlights! I know this is a very difficult topic for you, and I don't even know if having a man will hold the answer for you - but what I DO know is that everyone is single right before they meet the right person.
ReplyDeleteI know that seems obvious, but when you're going through it, it's really not. It's hard and it's lonely. But truly - the day before everyone met their partners, they were alone and single too, with the idea that there was nothing but that stretching out before them.
You have a lot to give, K, and there is someone out there for you. If you had the (dreaded!) "gift of singleness", you wouldn't yearn for someone. I don't think God is punishing you or allowing you to hurt for no reason. The problem with Christianity is that it's astoundingly simple but then very, very hard to do well once you go deeper. Everyone knows the simplicity of grace (especially if you have read "What's so Amazing About Grace?", which is to be honest a book I should read probably at least twice a year).
We know about grace, and we can be saved, and we can strive to do better. But then if we're honest, we all feel inadequate. I think the point is, you do feel that you "come up short" because when you compare yourself with God, you DO come up short, and so does everybody else. Plenty of people in that Church have many times when their heart is cold and un-worshipful, times when their minds are distracted and not learning, and times when they even serve for their own reasons too. And some people sing so joyously because they think they're pretty great singers and they like the sound of their own voice. Not all. But some.
The truth is, it's because you feel you aren't "doing so well" that you are more aware of the fact that you need God and his grace. You are more aware of this than some other people who think they're doing everything right. And that makes their position much more desperate than yours. God has a plan for you and he is not going to leave you. Keep hanging on because this will get better. Don't fall for that trap of "mature Christiandom" where you believe you are meant to have reached perfection. Because - spoiler alert - nobody's going to.
See you tonight hopefully. Let me know if you need a lift.
K
Just so you know - God cares about you - not what your family is like and whether they are Christian and any Godly guy should think the same too. From the outside I'm probably one of those people who looks like they've got it all together, but I don't either - my family are pretty messed up and my parents aren't Christian. but I wouldn't consider dating a guy who doesn't accept my family for who they are, and me for who I am.
ReplyDeleteI think it's great that you aspire to be with a guy who is Godly and will help you in your walk with God. but yes - it can suck being single at church!
Sorry, I couldn't edit my name out of it without re-posting.
ReplyDeleteHey K I hope you know none of my words are empty and they come from some really painful lessons over the last year. I felt so much like that sitting in church the last year and a half. It was such an awful feeling. I felt like the F**k up who didn't have the christian heritage, who didn't have the squeeky clean past, who never was as shiney as all the people in the pews. I know you think that its not as bad for me having a husband, but when things are going terribly and everything's falling apart having a husband was so much more lonely at times than any time I've ever felt in my past when I was single. What really helped me when I felt that crap was completely surrendering. I got up every morning whether I felt like it was a waste of time or not and wrote prayers out in my journal, and told God whatever he wanted to do with my life today, whatever it involved, I was in it. I would do it, I would accept it, I would trust him. I read the bible even if I felt like nothing was making sense. It really really helped me see through the slumps. It held me together a lot. I miss you heaps. I hope a coffee date works out soon :-( love, CM (The real C! :-) )
Hi K, a few thoughts from bits of your post:
ReplyDeleteWhat do you expect your faith to "do for you"? Also, how does your faith depress you?
Fortunately, our salvation, or our Christian maturity doesn't depend on what we feel. Otherwise I'd be saved one day, damned the next! We worship God with our words, actions, thoughts etc, not our feelings. We are saved through Jesus, and that is steadfast, and doesn't change with our feelings.
re singleness - regardless of whether we are single by choice or circumstance, we are called to honour God today, wherever we're at. We can still pray that God would bring a husband our way. And we can come to God however we feel, so when we're feeling lousy, we can give that to God - he's our Father who cares for us.