Around 10pm tonight it will be one year since my life fell apart, thanks M. This day marked the beginning of one month in hospital, and the many subsequent admissions. I feel awful today but I haven’t shed a tear – they don’t come easily to me. I had a nice brunch and helpful chat with R this afternoon, despite her encouragement and the fear she admitted she holds of my death, I want nothing more than for this all to end. I’d like to say that more than dying I want to get better, but it’s hard to want something you believe to be impossible; I guess that’s what the psychologist is for. I’m going to a party tonight, I’ve been looking forward to it because most people from church will be there, and I haven’t met that many people outside my small group. I don’t want to go in this mood, but it might cheer me up, and I probably shouldn’t be alone tonight.
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