I’ve been getting quite a bit of support for my decision to drop the drugs and I’m a little surprised that after almost a year of reading my blog people still have the idea that psychiatric drugs are either unnecessary or even damaging. My friends who have their own psychiatric problems were rightly concerned by my decision to stop taking my meds and expressed this to me. I haven’t stopped taking them because I don’t think I need them anymore, I stopped because I thought being un-medicated might make it easier to kill myself; it backfired and has me feeling better (minus the headache).
T, a woman I’ve never met is dead by her own hand, and yet it has had an impact on me, it happened the day before I got my rejection from the new psych and meant I no longer had my fallback plan of death. I don’t believe suicide is selfish, but to do it shortly after your friend has lost another friend to it is worse than selfish, it’s a gesture of contempt. Last week my desire to die was stronger than usual, hope was gone and I was facing a continuing battle with this illness without the help I need. In times like that a calm logic says it’s time to die, it’s not anger, it’s not hurt, it’s the most sensible and obvious decision, not doing it feels like the wrong thing. At that point I was stuck, I couldn’t die the day after T and destroy my friend, but I couldn’t sit still in my anguish, continuing to take the drugs which have kept me alive, but not made me better; so I gave up, hoping that I wouldn’t really be responsible for my actions once off the drugs, and that somehow that would make my death less my fault. I just feel trapped now I don’t think recovery is ever going to happen, but my escape route is blocked by my love for my friend and the failure of my plan for increased insanity. My friend knows these feelings all too well and would understand my twisted logic if I died, but she’d hate me for it and I can’t have that.
As a general rule I don't think suicide is selfish. But to write things like this and expect your friends and family to read it and just sit around waiting for your funeral is the most selfish thing you could do.
ReplyDeleteDid you actually read it? I think it said pretty clearly that I'm not going to die.
ReplyDeleteAlso, my family don't know this blog exists.
ReplyDelete'I don’t believe suicide is selfish, but to do it shortly after your friend has lost another friend to it is worse than selfish'
ReplyDeletewow you just kinda admitted that you believe it is selfish.... so which opinion do you have huh? you can't have it both ways. You either think its selfish or not. you can't swap and change. pick a side.
You clearly have poor reading comprehension skills; you should try to understand what you’ve read (in full) before asking the writer to assess their own thoughts. I’m not giving you an answer, because it’s in the post – find it!
ReplyDeleteDo you really feel better? Cause in your last post you say that your mood is getting worse and you're feeling violent... Personally I wouldn't call that better.
ReplyDeleteI think you have discovered a huge lesson for yourself in T's death - suicide has HUGE impacts. I've probably told you, but when my friend O killed himself in year 11 I cried for days straight. I just didn't stop. And I hadn't spoken to him for months. You didn't even know T and it has impacted you, and I must say it has impacted me too. I'm not too sure where I'm going with this, my brain isn't fully functioning.
I guess my point is that death isn't the answer. I know all too well how the demons hide all the light and beauty in the world, but you DO have good things in your life and you will achieve great things in your life. Holy crap, I wish I could pull a HD out with an hour's work.
I'm gonna inbox you some advice about support, this isn't the place.
Oh and to you ignorant idiots stirring up trouble again, get lost. B
Hi K its your old friend A here. We caught up for an overstated coffee and discount books. I didn't want to mention this while I was with you, but after all you've been through and your belief that you wont get better. Where does your faith come into it. Have you still got it and do you feel 'cheated' that you're going though so much with little to no compassion from beings above?
ReplyDeleteHi A.
ReplyDeleteIn short I don't feel cheated, but your question deserves a proper answer; I need some time to think it through, watch out for a related post.
The second coffee was significantly better than the first!