Rob Me

Shit! I just found 67 valium; I can’t throw them out, does anyone want to come and do it for me? It’s not a lethal dose, but not a small one either. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Eight Sentences

• Rico bit some chunks off my living room window frame – I was only out four hours!
• I have a new psychologist, and she’s within 10 minutes of my house, first appointment is 9/6.
• My GP increased Lovan this morning.
• I was going to break my arm last night and cut off a toe this morning – I got over it, probably should have mentioned my desire for 9 toes to GP though. Yes I am crazy, you all know that.
• I can’t sleep – feel awful.
• Should walk Rico, it’s rather wet outside, but maybe if I don’t he’ll eat the washing machine, fridge, couch etc in protest, little bastard!
• Call me and come over if you want to, company would be nice, I’ll try not to be horrible.

Gangsta Broom

I had between 5 – 10 really weird dreams last night. In one of them I was driving to my parents’ late at night and the freeway had an exit I didn’t recognise, I passed it because you don’t normally hop off somewhere unknown, but that was the last exit. The freeway ended about 100m after that, it didn’t turn into another rd as they normally do, instead it was a rocky and muddy cliff which had been the end of many a car. I crashed into one of the others which had met their demise there, then my car changed into what would have been a beautiful sports car in its day, but it was now old and decrepit – I stayed in the car whilst it transformed. I then tried to drive back up the cliff but only one wheel at a time was making contact with the ground, so I had to push it up the cliff – it was surprisingly light. Then I continued driving to my parents’ I had no idea where I was, my brother appeared in the passenger seat and navigated me through the industrial wasteland which is on the way. We never got home.

In another dream I was at L’s house and her dad got home from work in an open top black gangster looking Mercedes – it kind of looked like this but with no roof.

Her dad got to bring a ridiculous car home from work each day just for the fun of it. I wanted to take it for a drive; that was the end of the dream.  There were a few of those annoying realistic dreams which take me a while to work out are dreams – I had to check one of them!

My body is having a hard time with all the drug changes, I can’t stop moving. I only have one oxazepam left, my other sedatives are sleepers – hardly ideal for day time calm and there’s zero chance of my GP giving me more benzodiazepines, I think I’ve got no choice by to pilfer daddy’s.

Saturday is one year since M left me, thankfully I’m going to a party that night and I can probably find someone to keep me company during the day – R, I’m looking at you. It will hurt, but it means it’s time to move on. Snog fest starts Saturday!

The Non-Dragon Story

Some clarification for my dear readers; I didn’t want to go into the details on here until I’d spoken to a couple of friends in person. On Friday I took too much oxazepam, and made three cuts on my wrist, one hitting a vein, I passed out in the hospital waiting room and woke up eight hours later in ED. On Monday I cut my wrist again, opening the same vein, it bled a lot more and scared the crap out of me (I think that’s a good thing) but I worry that I’ll do it again because it didn’t hurt at all and it bled so fast. My GP asked me to start taking Lovan again; I’m currently on the lowest dose – that won’t last. I have to throw away the rest of my sedatives, I almost took the rest tonight but resisted because I’ll lose my friends, I hate being a woman, stupid hormones are responsible for tonight’s mood.

A note for random internet folk who comment on the blog, don’t leave your initial because I’ll think you are trying to make yourself known to me, but not everyone else, then when you leave a nasty comment I’ll think my friends with that initial are responsible – it gets messy.

Interesting Read

Croakey Mental health and the budget: some positive steps, but plenty of sorry gaps too

It's back

I’m currently babysitting S, an almost three year-old who is very busy making play-dough animals. I should be at Bible study, but I’d rather hang with S; and after my behaviour last week they’re probably glad I’m not there!

I wrote a post earlier today but was wise enough not to share it, I think it would have resulted in the loss of 90% of my friendships. I’ve been a big ball of fury this past week; I suppose that will soon come to an end, GP basically forced me to start taking Lovan again, no surprises there given Friday night’s saga and this morning’s “accident”. I wish I had a different psychiatrist, I really need an admission but I’m not going public again, I’d rather risk my impulsivity. It’s 15 days until my next psych appointment, so I’ve got to hold it together until I’ve seen him and he’s had time to handball me – and the new Dr accepted me – it’s probably going to be a month or so before all that happens. Rico is good for me though, gives me some responsibility and constant company, he didn’t get a walk today, it hardly stopped raining, but he’s having an adventure tomorrow. S has hardly made a peep, I think I’ll see if she wants to do something else.

Coffee, Dog and House Work

I slept all day yesterday, woke at 6pm, not knowing if it was am, pm or even pm the following day – fun! Then I slept all night and half the day. In the second half of today I had lunch with parents followed by another frolic in the park with Rico and parents. Now mummy is cleaning my house and daddy is fixing my break lights. I’ve lost my $150 scarf, I’m hoping it’s at the hospital and they haven’t piffed it, I love that scarf, they took my pill box too, I lost the last one there, they’re not getting another!

I have a broken 'n', it's slowing down my typing.

Memory Loss

Another night in ED; I don't remember any of it...

A Job

I’ve been looking at jobs this week, a few have caught my eye but I am definitely not up to working full time and any position I took would have to be under someone understanding enough not to fire me for regular sick days, this is why I’m on the DSP - such jobs are hard to come by. I almost applied for an arts coordinator role at a semi-local council, it was only  three days a week, was a largely creative role with some basic admin thrown in, but they ideally wanted someone with disabled youth experience. I’m not the most patient person you’ll ever come across, this (along with the fact that I don’t want to) is why I’m not going to be a teacher, a lot of people from my undergrad go on to teaching, at least that way you can get an okay income from doing something at least slightly related to your field of interest – I’d rather be fully immersed in my interest and forget the politics of education and kids who don’t want to be there. I’d lecture, take workshops etc at uni, but that’s different because (hopefully) they’re there because they’ve passed an audition so have some talent and a desire to learn. It would be nice if I could motivate myself enough to do four subjects at a time, power through my masters and then start my life as a writer/director and lecturer (if I have to lecture for the money which I probably will unless pop culture suddenly changes to align with my interests).

So if you come across any part time jobs which would suit a drama graduate part way through her MA (writing), do let me know. Understanding employer a must!  

This is the first day since quitting the meds I’ve seriously thought about going back on them. I’m feeling more violent – I haven’t acted on it, but it’s simmering away and I'm just generally down. I’m down to my last 13 Oxazepam after taking three tonight, sedation feels good, oxaz is all I’ve got to fall back on, might have to start stealing daddy’s valium...

Day Seven

Daddy put in a dog door today, this means that tonight I won’t have to keep getting up to let Mr Rico out. I was already having trouble sleeping last night and when I finally drifted off he decided it was time to go out, eventually I got back to sleep only to be woken again, and then again by my house mate leaving for work – I didn’t get back to sleep that time. It is currently 5:04pm, I think I’ll be in bed within two hours and I’m not getting up for anyone, even a beautiful cocker spaniel. Today we went out for coffee with R and S (S is two and a bit – well nearly three actually) After coffee we went to a park with autumn leaves everywhere and the four of us ran, had leaf showers and general fun. Everyone loves Rico, strangers pat him and coo over him, thankfully I’m not in an “I hate everyone” stage – maybe so many friendly strangers will help me get over that.

GP wasn’t annoyed, a little concerned, but happy to let me continue without meds; I told her the whole truth, but since my plan backfired that’s okay. She was more concerned that I hadn’t contacted the new psychologist yet – I have to get on that because GP is having a week off soon and I’m not going to have any support while she’s gone, which will coincide with Lovan being completely out of my system. I was wrong about it only sticking around for a few days – that’s the half life, but there are traces floating around for two weeks. The hospital I’m doing DBT at called today to say that I can probably see one of their female psychiatrists, but rather than using a new referral from my GP they want my current psychiatrist to handball me, that means I have to see him at least one more time, be assertive and hope he doesn’t give me to someone else who doesn’t admit.

Day Six

I am the alpha dog!

I haven’t enrolled in dog training yet, but I’m implementing a few strategies using the Alpha dog method. Rico has a bit of food aggression and I’d like to get rid of it rather than avoiding him when he’s eating or munching on a bone. Starting this morning I’ve been making sure he sees me eat before him and then sitting with him, asking him to sit and then putting small handfuls of dry food in his bowl, patting him whilst he eats, when he finishes each small handful he is asked to sit again and gets another if he obeys; he got used to it very quickly and is already showing improvement. He doesn’t get to sleep on my bed anymore because the alpha dog gets the best sleeping spot and doesn’t share, I still let him in my room but he has his own bed. He also has to walk behind or beside me on the lead and sit before passing through a door – and I get to go first. I don’t like not letting him have a roam about on the lead (I’ve got a 5m retractable one) but that’s only temporary until he knows I’m the boss. I liked having him on my bed, but he is much bigger than Lester and I think I’d like the freedom to roll over if I so desire.

I wrote one scene last night and another tonight, they took less than an hour each and I can’t tell if they’re any good. I can pick the quality of other peoples work, but I think whatever mark I get for my work will always come as a surprise. I’ll submit both of them tomorrow and hope they scrape a distinction – I need at least distinction average for my first six subjects.

GP in the morning, I don’t think she’ll be happy with my Lovan abandonment but she’ll be glad I’m off Seroquel. A friend pointed out to me today that I risk losing her support by stopping the meds, I hadn’t thought of that, but I’m willing to start taking them again if she really wants me to and I don’t have a history of going off meds.

Day Five A

I’ve been getting quite a bit of support for my decision to drop the drugs and I’m a little surprised that after almost a year of reading my blog people still have the idea that psychiatric drugs are either unnecessary or even damaging. My friends who have their own psychiatric problems were rightly concerned by my decision to stop taking my meds and expressed this to me. I haven’t stopped taking them because I don’t think I need them anymore, I stopped because I thought being un-medicated might make it easier to kill myself; it backfired and has me feeling better (minus the headache).

T, a woman I’ve never met is dead by her own hand, and yet it has had an impact on me, it happened the day before I got my rejection from the new psych and meant I no longer had my fallback plan of death. I don’t believe suicide is selfish, but to do it shortly after your friend has lost another friend to it is worse than selfish, it’s a gesture of contempt. Last week my desire to die was stronger than usual, hope was gone and I was facing a continuing battle with this illness without the help I need. In times like that a calm logic says it’s time to die, it’s not anger, it’s not hurt, it’s the most sensible and obvious decision, not doing it feels like the wrong thing. At that point I was stuck, I couldn’t die the day after T and destroy my friend, but I couldn’t sit still in my anguish, continuing to take the drugs which have kept me alive, but not made me better; so I gave up, hoping that I wouldn’t really be responsible for my actions once off the drugs, and that somehow that would make my death less my fault. I just feel trapped now I don’t think recovery is ever going to happen, but my escape route is blocked by my love for my friend and the failure of my plan for increased insanity. My friend knows these feelings all too well and would understand my twisted logic if I died, but she’d hate me for it and I can’t have that.

Day Five

Sore head, mood getting worse, feeling violent.

Rico doesn’t quite get the idea of sleeping by my feet, he snuggled up next to me with his head on the pillow this morning, very cute, but a little odd. 

Day Four A

I might have been wrong about the no side effect bit... I just got back from small group, where I was horrible to anyone who opened their mouth; I usually have differing opinions, but tonight I was out for blood and looking for things to argue with. I also had a strong urge to bite chunks off my body a few hours ago – I didn’t, but I really wanted to. Below are the official side effects I think I relate to, it’s about half of the full list – I haven’t included the other half, so yeah, I think I was a little bit wrong but I still think it’s going well. Aggression, anxiety, balance issues , blurred vision, depersonalization, dizziness, electric shock sensations, fatigue, flu-like symptoms, hostility, highly emotional, irritability, jumpy nerves, lack of coordination, lethargy, migraine headaches / increased headaches, nervousness, severe internal restlessness (akathasia, tremors, troubling thoughts.

Day Four

I’m still quite chirpy, but am feeling a little under the weather, dizziness is starting to settle in and my head doesn’t quite feel like it’s on my shoulders. I’m sleeping well, although I had to get up twice to let Rico out for a wee; how to go about getting a dog door in a rental!? I spent far too much money on him today, but that will be it for a few months. By tomorrow the last of the Lovan will have worked its way out of my system so I might be posting about the elephant stomping on my brain and the stormy ocean which has emerged under my house.

Day Three

I don’t have bipolar, but I may be manic; I like it. I am exhausted after not sleeping very much last night, but I am simultaneously bursting with energy. I’ve been smiling for three days and so far the only withdrawal symptom I have is a headache – which is probably due to lack of sleep, so maybe I don’t have any withdrawals; well apart from the slight mania –

I can’t stop moving. I GOT A DOG!!!!!! His name was Richo but I hate it so I changed it to Rico, I couldn’t change it too much or he wouldn’t recognise it. He is a three year-old black cocker spaniel, his owner has to move and couldn’t take him and so he’s all mine – he’s currently licking my fingers whilst I type.

Rico and his old owner - I'll take photos soon

Church was good tonight, infant baptism – done well I thought, usually they make me feel uneasy, sermon, communion and bagpipes for one song followed by the sating of my lasagne craving at a local restaurant with good company.

Day Two

Last night was the best nights’ sleep I’ve had in weeks, sadly when my alarm went off I just rolled over and went back to sleep which meant I got a call 20 minutes after I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee and rocked up 45 minutes late. At least I had a good sleep, but now I’m a bad friend.

One Lovan tablet this morning and I’ll drop to zero Seroquel tonight because the reduction hasn’t had any affect so far. I think I’ll make this mornings’ Lovan my last – tomorrow I will be free of psychiatric drugs! So far I feel fine, actually quite good. I’m still sitting with self harm urges but I don’t think they’re going to go away any time soon, I’ll just try not to act on all of them.

Well I’m off to get my eyebrows waxed, I don’t like looking this manly.

Day One

Written yesterday, posted today - blogger died.

12.5mg of Seroquel last night, down from 25mg, I actually slept; I got 7 hours over night and a two hour nap yesterday, I feel wide awake today for the first time in weeks. 40mg Lovan this morning, so far I feel fine, but Lovan has a 2-3 day half life, it’ll be floating around my body for a little while yet. Tomorrow I will drop down to 20mg and stay on that for a couple of days before going to nothing. I think I’ll have the same dose of Seroquel tonight and then half it again tomorrow; by Wednesday I hope to only be on Circadin and Yaz. This could easily be a disaster, or it could be brilliant, I wouldn’t be surprised if the only thing to change is the re appearance of my food phobias and I think I can put up with them.

Clean

I am defeated.

I took another step down on my Seroquel tonight, and starting tomorrow I’m going to drop one Lovan tablet a day until I’m down to zero. I forget what life is like medication-free, so I’ll give it a shot for a while. It seems I’m not going to be getting much help from the psychiatrists of Australia so I’m going it alone from here. My GP is trying to help, but she can’t force anyone to take me on.

Here’s to hoping my house is robbed tonight and I’m shot dead in my sleep.

Not For You

I don’t have a new psychiatrist; shit! I cancelled my appointment with crazy psych today so I could comfort a friend – I've got nothing until 7^th June now. I came very close to a train line drive last night, managed to hold back and I’m glad I did, I wouldn't have been the only suicide last night to hurt my friend.

I still can’t sleep, my head hurts, I don’t have a psychologist, I don’t like my psychiatrist and DBT doesn’t start until October or January. I have a long wait and I can’t escape before then because it will destroy my friend. I wonder how long you can stay in an induced coma for, and where one can get hold of the necessary equipment to achieve this.