Toast

4:40am. I hurt from coughing. My body is exhausted but my mind won’t let it sleep, the sedatives don’t work and I can’t take more Seroquel (a definite sleep success) because it will ruin all the effort to get off it. 4:41. It has been a semi productive night, I read several Bible passages, I’m working my way through John – though I did start in the middle. 4:42. It’s been a long time since I’ve made any effort with the Bible, or even prayer; I’ve read it twice in a few days now. 4:43. Since I’ve been so out of the habit of reading it I just let it fall open to somewhere in John 4:44 (I think it’s my favourite gospel) and took it from there 4:45. I’m not a slow typist, I’m just tired and thinking slowly. 4:46. Small group was fantastic last night – it was just a dinner, but we all got chatting and it was just 4:47 lovely to have a very casual time to laugh, eat and exist together, no leaders present, I suspect that would have (4:48 and I didn’t just wake) changed the atmosphere. 4:49 I’m tired. 4:50, I’ve been writing ten minutes and have only a short paragraph which isn’t even complete. The other thing I did to make my sleepless night productive was 4:51 to fill out a more detailed character description for my original character – Francis. I made Nicola last week and she is complete and capable of living a 4:52 life out in the real world, Francis was lacking, I didn’t know her well enough. Now that they’re both complete I shouldn’t have trouble making them talk, just trouble 4:53 making myself open the file and start typing. It’s bizarre, I love creative writing, I’m good at it, but I can’t start. I don’t enjoy blogging 4:54 as much as I enjoy anything creative, but I find it very easy to do even in the worst of moods – or now in exhaustion, pain, boredom and resignation. 4:55. 4:56. 4:57 – Had to google a few things.

My stomach has 4:58 just alerted me to the fact that it is empty, I dare not eat now and provide myself energy, I want to sleep, maybe it will be easier if not 4:59 in pain, but maybe food will wake me more. Conundrum. I forgot to mention, I don’t have whooping cough, just a virus which has stuck around 5:00 for five weeks and seems to be getting worse; surely there is a point when my body has to start being nice to me 5:01. 5:02. My mind isn’t coping well 5:03 with the added burden of physical illness, but I’ve still not succumbed to the blade, as tempting as it is 5:04 it really achieves nothing. Mum drove me to my appointments today so I didn’t have to make everyone on the tram sick, the DBT assessment 5:05 went well and provided I’m still interested in two months time when I go back for my second chat it’ll be go. The next term starts in September and the following in January 5:06, I may not get in the September one, but that’s the one we’re hoping for. The epic assessment was followed by coffee with mother whilst I almost 5:07 fell asleep and then a very short session with my psychiatrist; I can see his brilliance, but I’m not convinced he’s for me, maybe I’m scared that 5:08 he might actually help. There’s a weird fear attached to recovery from mental illness, I want it greatly, but it is unfamiliar territory and if achieved 5:09 it will be different from anything I’ve ever known, even in childhood. 5:10.

I would appreciate it if my friends could make an effort to contact me this week and coerce me out of the house. I feel a hermetic period approaching 5:11 and it’s hard to bring oneself out of that.

There is a 5:12 possibility I’m a little more sleepy now, so I will end here and make attempt four at sleep. Good morning. 5:18 post proof read and publishing.