You all know by now that I’m pinning my hopes on DBT; since January I’ve been told that I’m likely to start in May – wrong! The very earliest is September, but that doesn’t look too promising because that’s the next one and I’m not even on the waiting list yet. I wonder sometimes if my whole life is just one big punishment for “the sins of my fathers”, there’s not much devotedness in my bloodline and plenty of outright rebellion. Things never go smoothly for me, this isn’t just woe is me thinking, but well observed fact; good things don’t happen, but on the occasions they do they don’t last. I knew M and I wouldn’t get married because that was something that was happening to everyone around me, and I don’t get the same things as them; you may call it self-fulfilling prophecy, I call it my curse. I try not to dwell on it because that just makes it more likely to continue, it just confuses me so much. I am a good friend, very loyal and honest (maybe a little too honest), I’m a good girlfriend, loving, caring, fun and sensible, I’d like to say Godly, but not so much at the moment; but the things that make me good are overshadowed by my expectation to have the same in return, and the need to be loved enough to make up for a mostly loveless life. When I am feeling suicidal it is not because of how I feel about that very moment, but rather what I feel in that moment about the future. Some days I can hold a little hope and imagine a life that isn’t completely worthless, other days all I can see is a lifetime of loneliness and mediocrity. I want to be loved, or I want to excel in my field, both would be grand; at the moment I’m just a thing.
Marriage doesn't guarantee happiness. Nor does it eliminate risk of loss, i.e. a husband could get hit by a truck on the first day of his honeymoon, and his wife would be devastated
ReplyDeleteI’m aware of that, but I wasn’t actually saying that I must have a husband or I’m better off dead. It’s more about good things in general, I would like a good husband capable of expressing the amount of love he feels for me, but I may not get that, I may not get one at all. I may get to excel in my career or have a friend who loves me as much as I love them (though I’m not sure that’s possible). What I don’t want is what I currently have – a tepid life.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDelete“Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count on no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth.”
Jean-Paul Sartre
Don't worry too much about the DBT start date, there's no point stressing yourself unduly about things you can't change. I was told after I finished the core mindfulness group that I'd have to wait a whole year for the actual DBT, but they put on extra groups to cope with demand. Just get yourself on the waiting list as soon as you can.
ReplyDelete