Fodder

Hopefully I’m leaving on Friday or Saturday. Lovan has been introduced to my drug cocktail, it is one of the older drugs, but still of the current era of antidepressants. I don’t know if it has started working yet, but it has definitely helped with the Pristiq withdrawal, probably because it deals with some of the same chemicals. All I know is that physically I feel a lot better. Mood is also better which is at least in part thanks to not feeling so bad physically. I miss how good Pristiq was with my anxiety, I’m back to thinking my food and beverages have been poisoned if I turn my back on them for any amount of time.

I made it to church tonight, it was good to be there with the people, I need to make sure I don’t drift away from it / them or I’m going to be totally lost. I found it hard tonight, I looked in the mirror afterwards to find lots of pinch marks on my collar bone (one of the things I do when I’m anxious). Tonight they had a guest speaker from some Christian agency for disabled people. The talk didn’t sit well with me and I now kind of feel like I and all other people who aren’t quite right are ripe to be used as Christian reward fodder. “Hey God, I invited a crazy person to dinner, one extra Heavenly reward please!” The speaker dude by no means said that, it’s just a thought that worked its way into my head while he was speaking and it stuck. There are a few good deeds I’ve done and never mentioned so I could save them for Heavenly rewards. Is that wrong? It can’t be because there are even instructions about it in the bible, right from Jesus’ mouth in-fact. Matthew 6:1-4 "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.  2"So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honoured by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 3But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” I’m not going to argue with Jesus, but feelings are not fact and I feel like reward fodder.