Five of Three

I write to you on day five of admission number three. A new drug – Lamictal - has been added to my cocktail, the plan is that once it is up to treatment dose the Seroquel will be reduced or eliminated because it is making me put on weight, and although it does sedate me it doesn’t seem to be doing anything for my mood. I can’t say much about Lamictal’s effects yet because I’m only half way to treatment dose, it needs to be introduced slowly to reduce the chance of catastrophic side effects (yippee). There are not as many people around my age (who aren’t here for drug and alcohol - they’re kind of scary) this time, so I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t really feel like I should be here because I’m not too bad at the moment, but it is best for the drug change to be supervised, especially once I start coming off the Seroquel. And maybe it's best to keep me away from high structures.

I went to an open house on Saturday, it was beautiful, but I think I need to stick to looking at three bedroom places; a four person household would be too chaotic for my liking. It’s a hard decision to make because the four bedroom houses typically have proper gardens – something I want – and possible room for my (yet to be acquired) Great Dane. I’m starting to feel a little torn between settling in the Blackburn area – near church and friends, or heading back out to the hills where it is beautiful and the surroundings alone lift my mood, I could probably get a rental with a much larger garden there too, but I’d almost certainly bump into M at some point. I wish I could hurry up and get over M, it still hurts like it happened yesterday, just minus the shock. I’ve been reading a book recommended to me by my psychiatrist, I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me and it is becoming more apparent that a relationship with me is a curse to be avoided, also that I shouldn’t reproduce. Life minus spouse and spawn is not what I envisaged.

To end on a positive note, I think my attention span is improving, I hadn’t been able to follow a newspaper article, let alone a novel... Before the breakup with M I was reading The Iliad and I hadn’t touched it since, until this week. I’m following it well and I remember what had happened in the previous (hundreds of) pages, I really didn’t want to go back to the start. I’m glad I’ve already read Agamemnon, The Iliad would be harder to follow without the knowledge I have from Agamemnon.

That's all for now, there is little happening, so little to write about.