You know how yesterday I said there would probably be more admissions in the future – well I was right. There was a little incident last night involving two separate stops on the Bolte Bridge, a police car and two ambulances. It ended with me spending the night in the Royal Melbourne, seeing my psychiatrist this morning (which was scheduled anyway) and being told I’m going back to the psych hospital as soon as there’s a bed (probably next week). I don’t think I was actually going to do anything last night, I just hoped that by peering at death I might be frightened into realising that I wanted to live, or sure that I didn’t – just something that’s not this fog I’m in now. I was driving towards the exit for the bridge and my car almost took its self there, it was very impulsive (the first time).
For your information the bridge isn’t actually that high, I’m not convinced you’d die on impact with the water and drowning is not how I want to go! The design is also kind of inviting to jumpers, if you got over the (low) handrail you could just slide off like a playground slide, a little bad design I think – or one last pleasure for the people who now can’t jump off the Westgate thanks to the fences.
Post bridge episode: I’m home and have to try and behave for a while, there are many impulses which need to be ignored. I feel a little silly because I called the cat team on myself (I was stuck and confused, I didn’t know what to do next); I feel guilty for worrying my parents, and angry that it didn’t achieve anything. The upcoming hospital admission won’t be as long as the last one, this will be a focused drug re-jig, I think he already has some ideas in mind and he suggested that it should only be a two week stay – it’s better than 7!
I wasn’t going to post this, it’s very personal and I can’t make people un-read it if I change my mind; but this blog is where I’m honest. So here I am honestly saying that life is hard at the moment, I wish I could see it getting better, but I can’t. I really think this is it for me, emptiness, loneliness and the inability to jump – meaning I have to live with it for the rest of my natural life...
I wish you well, and I hope you get a great treatment and social support around you. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteHello. How are you, in this day and age? I stumbled upon this blog post because like you were in October, 2010 I am lost to a point where I question whether my life is worth living. I circle the idea of going down to either bridge and taking the leap.
ReplyDeleteHi.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it took me a few days to publish your comment, I don't often get them so don't check as often as I should. I can't stop you from stopping on the bridge, but I would recommend not doing so. It's cruel to those who care about you, it cost me a friendship and added to the heartaches I've caused my parents. I don't remember what emotions I dealt with up there as I was quite detached, but I know I didn't jump, nor did I jump last time I was up a tall building. Suicide seems like a great thing so often but when confronted by it I'm reminded of the finality, of eternity awaiting me and of the risk of failure and a life with injuries as well as mental anguish. You've probably heard this before and it makes me roll my eyes, but there's truth to it. "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." It may not feel temporary but things do change or fluctuate, even if it takes years it's still shorter than eternity.