Three Months On

It is three months today – well tonight around 8pm – since I lost my love, my M. Since coming to hospital this time around I haven’t shed a tear, whereas even up to the day before admission I was crying heavily every day. I don’t know if I’ve suddenly got over the whole ordeal, just a little bit, or if I’ve buried the hurt further than I had been able to. I am leaning toward the latter due to the suddenness of the change. Although this may not be a good thing I am enjoying not seeing that ghastly creature with puffy eyes staring back at me from the mirror.

One good thing has come out of the breakup and that is the discovery of my new church, I wouldn’t have found it without the suggestion from pastoral carer here, and I wouldn’t have come here without the breakup. In the next few months I hope to find a nice place to rent near church, somewhere I can share with two other people and where I can have a dog and my precious cat. I don’t have a dog yet so I also hope to get a Great Dane puppy in the next few months, the house will have to come first. That is my ideal plan, I also have a more sinister plan which tempts me greatly, but which I am terrified of. At this point in my life I wish I knew nothing of God, had never heard of Jesus and thought there was no eternity; under these circumstances I would happily take my own life today, but I am blessed to know the Lord. The blessing is also a burden, for I know that eternity can either be very good or very bad. I don’t believe that suicide sends one right to hell, but I don’t want my last act on earth to be sinful and I haven’t done much in my life to please God, I’ve accepted salvation and rested on my behind ever since, I think that would place me on the periphery of Heaven.

I don’t know if I have the strength to battle on through this illness and I don’t know if I have the courage to end my life, knowing that it won’t actually be the end. I am truly stuck.

Sorry for the depressing post, I’ll try to write something chirpier next time. K.