I write this post from Coffs Harbour on the second-last day of a rather ordinary family holiday. The only truly enjoyable thing has been going up to a town called Bellingen (think Sassafras in Victoria but a bit bigger and quieter) where I enjoyed the best rocky road to pass my lips and a surprisingly good coffee - served to me of all places in a vintage clothing and furniture store; the lounge suite was sold from under us and promptly replaced by another one. The scenery here is lovely, and our resort is right on the beach, but I’m really not a beach lover, I just like to walk in the shallow water and listen to the waves.
Unfortunately I feel myself becoming more unwell, the shock of that last psych appointment hasn’t worn off, and has been inflated by my GP’s assurance that BDP never goes away you just learn to manage it. I don’t know how you are supposed to manage constantly feeling like an empty shell, surging waves of anger, self hatred and the constant desire to be dead. It has been hard, but good being constantly surrounded by people this week, I’m quite sure that left to my own devices I’d have added a few more scars to my collection. I’m trying to behave myself until uni starts in March, maybe I’ll love it and have a small reason to live. I don’t want to destroy myself between now and then so that I need another semester to recover. I should have started this course mid last-year; I’m already six months behind the grand plan
This has been one of the hardest posts to write, every sentence slithering its way onto the screen only to be scowled at, deleted, re-written and then deleted again. My head is so full, I feel I could do with Dumbledore’s pensieve (I’m currently reading the Harry Potter series for the first time, I didn’t see the films either).
Yes, BPD is a bitch. Give me a megaphone and I'll shout it from the roof. But I have been assured by my psychiatrist (the one that works at spectrum) that once you have the appropriate skills it is very, very manageable. Yes it takes time for the skills to become automatic and all that jazz, but don't give up hope just yet. But yes, the whole using-of-the-skills thing is for life, but most people who get appropriate treatment, and keep using it get to the point where they are entirely functional and don't actually meet the BPD criteria anymore.
ReplyDeleteAs for uni, don't start on the "shoulds" - they'll never end if you let them start. Just focus on the fact that you're doing it, even if it's 6 months after what you wanted it to be.
Your cafe sounds nice. Can you pack it in your suitcase and park it near delmont?
B