Art Envy

I am currently suffering from art envy, it has been growing slowly but received a boost on Monday during a visit with my friend L, who is suffering almost the exact same illness as me. Despite her illness L continues to perform, create and live. I love her, I envy her, I want to possess the drive and raw talent she has (and the contacts). It has been over a year since I did anything even remotely to do with theatre; I haven’t even been writing, I have grand ideas for plays but I haven’t put them on paper, and I yearn to be back on the stage. I’m not a brilliant actor, but I love it and I don’t completely suck; I am a much better director though. There are countless ideas dancing around in my head, screaming, whispering all longing to get onto the stage. I don’t have actors, a space, the energy or the nerve to just get out there and make art. For three years I have been sitting on a fringe show, not being bold enough to get my act together, afraid of failure –the worst fear an artist can possess, multiple failures are a certainty in this field, something I need to accept and live through.


In March I commence my masters in literature and writing; I am aiming to get into the research strain, which will enable me to do a creative project and will be an acceptable pre-requisite to later do a PhD. I fear this plan is a mistake, and instead of taking the clear cut path through higher education I should be getting my ideas on the stage now, and I can do that because typically my ideas for the stage are very visual and contain little, if any dialogue. Plays like these won’t require the ability to write elegantly; but a time will come when I want dialogue and I will lack the ability to make it beautiful. I could forget about writing entirely and direct the plays of other writers, but I don’t think I’d be satisfied because it’s not entirely mine; I can put a lot of myself into it but I can’t completely possess it, it’s asking enough to let the actors do their thing rather than directing with an iron rod (that’s bad). I think this means the course is a good idea, though I may need to get off my bottom in the meantime and get my fringe show off the ground. Fear rears its ugly head again.